BTS Eighth Member | The Life: Year 2013

Chapter 17- Blame and Heartache

September 20th, 2013:

I had just left the building and immediately took a deep breath of fresh air. We were constantly in the basement studios or the vans, we barely had any chances to just go outside and breathe.

Instead of having a planned route for my short walk, I just followed where my legs took me. The building the agency is situated in is in Gangnam and so it was surrounded by tons of small alley ways and limitless possibilities of places to go. As I walked around, I simply looked at the buildings, the cars, and the people walking past me. I sat down on a bench on one of the busier streets and started to just people watch. Couples being all cute, businesspeople rushing back to work or on the phone talking seriously, or students playing with their friends as they went from school to their academies. It was nice finally slowing down. Not having to think of "what's next" or the laundry list of dos and don'ts.

Naturally however, my mind couldn't help but wander back to what had just happened in the studio. I was pretty sure none of it was my fault, but at I was at the point I felt like I wasn't sure of anything anymore. I thought Jungkook and I's argument hadn't been that heated. Looking back, I felt it was still relatively playful, a normal argument between friends. And the abs debacle was most definitely not my fault, but like always, I would probably be blamed for it. I leaned my head back and let out a rather big sigh. Why were the expectations put on me so much higher than those put on the boys. At the same time, the pressure I put on myself was just as high, so could I really blame the company if I was as hard on myself as they were? I honestly didn't know anything anymore. I had become like a robot the past few weeks, trying to please everyone, follow instructions, do as told, and not have any intense feelings on things. Sejin said it would make my life easier, but instead it just made me tired.

I suddenly felt my phone vibrate. I look and see a text from Jungkook:

You ok? Are you on your way back?

I check the time and see that 12 minutes have passed since I left the building. I stand up and start heading back to the agency. As I'm walking back, I pass by a small group trying to get people to sign something a block away from Big Hit. They have a little table set up with a sign behind it in front of a building. I slow my pace slightly to read it, "Keep Our Society Righteous. Say No to Mixed Groups". I pause for a split second, in disbelief they were actually this bothered by mixed groups to take time out of their lives to organise and participate in something like this. I had been standing in their vicinity for only a second before a woman with one of the clipboards with signatures noticed me.

"Hey! Hey! Aren't you Y/N! Aren't you that girl in Bangtan Sonyeondan?!" she yells, pointing her finger vigorously at me.

Her yells got the attention of her compatriots.

"She is!" shouts another one.

"How can you have the audacity to walk around here! You should be ashamed of yourself for participating in that group. What are you really doing with the other members!" screeches the man who had been behind the table, but was now waving a disapproving finger in my face.

People on the street had started to take notice and were stopping to watch or film. But no one was coming to my defense.

"I... I," I was overwhelmed and scared. I should probably just turn around and run, but what if they followed me? Should I answer, yes? But then they would berate me more. Should I answer, no? But then that's as if I'm admitting to being ashamed of being in the group.