Aspiring Nobody

Chapter 53 Life - altering

STYLES' POV

"Why are you in Michael's car?" Erin's tone is now sharp and the unmistakable look of happiness I saw cross her face when she first saw me, has gone. Yet her eyes betray her, because one look into them, and I can still feel the connection between us.

"Yes, it was Michael's car, but now it belongs to my father. I borrowed it to come here. Not that Michael needs it anymore."

Erin's brows pull together in concern. "Has he left the country? Because if he has, I need to notify the police since I have a restraining order on him."

I shake my head. "Not sure where he is. I just know he's gone. Police seem to think he took off before they could charge him for embezzling. Knowing Michael, thought, he no doubt threatened the wrong person and found himself in more trouble than he could handle."

She knots her fingers in front of her. "I can't believe you're here?"

As desperate as I am to hold her, I reframe from doing so. "Erin, I would have come weeks ago, only your mother told me you needed time to get yourself together. Which is what I've tried to give you? But I couldn't stay away any longer: I miss you; I need to be near you." If I sound desperate, it's because I am. "I love you!"

She frowns at the words. "You don't love me."

"Believe me, when I say I love you, Erin, it means I fucking love you!"

"Stop! I'm not interested in hearing this, any of it... at least with Michael I knew he was a threat. But with you-you just crept into my life and hurt me in ways I wasn't expecting. And now, here you are, weeks later, trying to turn my life upside down when I'm only just getting it back together."

My face contorts. "No! That's not true."

"Yes, it is! Right from the start, you've been hurting me. But you can't hurt me anymore than you already have. And knowing that you deliberately set out to mess with me, has forced me to see you as the narcissistic person Joey said you are. And I feel sorry for you. I do. Because unless you get help, you'll never be happy. And I want to be happy, Ashley. I may not find that kind of happiness right away, but I know it's possible. Because I felt it just for a moment, and I know one day I'll feel that way again — just not with you."

Oh, fuck. I want this girl. I want her to be mine, and what I'm feeling for her goes beyond anything I have ever felt, or ever thought I could feel for someone. "No!" I grab her shoulders out of desperation. "Listen to me! I love you! I do! Believe me!" My eyes well with tears because I love her. For the first time in my life, I know what it is I want, and it's Erin. "We'll sort this out together. I'll give up my job in New York and come back. We'll get a new place and start over. I'll make you happier than you've ever been—I swear to fucking God! I mean every word I say!" Her eyes are floating in a wet bed of tears. And the defeated look on her face tells me that is not about to happen.

"Erin, if you love me—"

"If I love you," she yells, "you broke my heart because I loved you too much! And now I don't trust you. I don't even believe you when you say you love me!"

"But I do."

"I don't care!" she screams. "This is my life, not yours, and I choose not to be with you!"

Then her mum appears behind her. "Sweetie," she rests her hands-on Erin's shoulders. "Calm down, please. You shouldn't be upsetting yourself. You know what the doctor said. Now go inside and I'll walk Ashley to his car."

As Erin steps back, she burst into tears, which has me wiping the tears from my own eyes.

Erin's mother closes the door behind her, but the sound of Erin sobbing has me standing firm. "I'm not leaving until I get through to your daughter, because I know she still loves me."

"Please leave."

"I can't. So hit me, hurt me however you want, but I still won't move," I say, "because I'm not prepared to leave without her."

Her eyes swell, and even though she's no bigger than Erin, she stands her ground. "Leave!" She points towards my car.

"Look, the last thing I want is to disrespect you as Erin's mum, but even if I leave, I won't give up until I get her back."

She lets out a soft sigh. "This is the last thing I want to tell you, but I will if it means helping my daughter."

My eyes narrow in on hers. "Tell me what? What do you mean?"

"Not here. I'll tell you at your car."

She brushes past me, grabbing hold of the metal rail as she takes the stairs. "Erin told me what happened back in Sydney. What you did—"

"Please," I say, "I know what I did was wrong, trust me, I relive it every day. But I've changed. I am not the same man I was when I first met your daughter. I swear it... I love her."

"Do you," she spins back to face me with a look of mistrust on her sour face. "And how much do you love her?"

"Enough to spend each and every day with her for the rest of our lives, if she'll have me."

She shakes her head. "Didn't you hear anything she just told you? She no longer wants to be with you. She knows you're no good for her. You only need to consider what you've put her through to realize that! You're not the right person for her, and I think deep down you know it to be true."

"I told you, I've changed... all I want is a chance to prove it to her."

"What happens if you haven't? What then. Erin has another mental breakdown. Is that what you want? Another chance at Erin's expense."

That takes me by surprise. "What! What do you mean, breakdown?"

She folds her arms across her chest and looks back at the house. "Erin had a breakdown not long after arriving here. She was no longer thinking or functioning as she once did. I think she knew she needed help, which is why she came back. I watched her fall apart, thinking it would pass and she would get better, but she didn't. And I had no idea she has reached crisis point until I came home and..." She waves her hand at me and draws back on the sobs threating to erupt from her.

"It was bad. She was bad. But I'm not about to discuss what happened with you, because it's private and Erin doesn't want anyone to know. But she's doing better now, since getting proper help. And now she needs to avoid the stressors that put her in that situation. You may think she is well again, but she's still vulnerable, and her mental health is not yet strong enough to deal with too much. If she does, well, next time could be the last time." Tears run down her cheeks. "But now, she wants to return to Sydney and get on with things. It's the first time she's shown any interest in her old life in weeks. But I'm not saying anymore, because if you love her as much as you say you do, then you already know what's about to happen."

With those words in my head, I spin around and storm for the veranda, leaping up the steps. I come to a sudden stop, my heart thumping when I see Erin. She's standing at the open door, nibbling on her nail and staring at me.

"She told you, didn't she?"

I nod, taking the last steps to her. I place my hand around her neck and pull her to me, enfolding her in my arms. She doesn't hold me, but I hold her, more than aware that I may never hold her again. How do I say goodbye to the only person I've ever been in love with? The person I need and want above everyone else? I pull back, cup her head in my hands, and stare down into her red eyes, and whisper, "I had no idea what genuine love was until you! And I'll never be the same because of it! And if giving you up is what you need and want, then I'll do it. Because all I want is for you to be healthy and happy again, Erin. Even if that means without me," I say, almost choking on the words.

I press my lips to her forehead one last time, wishing it were her lips, before I walk away. How do I deal with knowing that the person I love the most will not be in my life because of my actions? And now, because of it, I walk away more than aware that our parting will be my undoing. But maybe this is what I deserve. After all, this is the result of something I caused. But whatever, because I will gladly give up my happiness to let her find hers again, without a doubt.