Aspiring Nobody

Chapter 52 Absorb the pain

ERIN'S POV

Six weeks later, after facing the hardest days of my life, I am mentally better and ready to go back to university. It's taken longer than I thought it would. But one thing I've discovered about mental health, you can't put a time frame on fixing it, which by the way, I am still putting back together. And that's ok. Because with the right support in place and knowing my limits, I have reached a point I wasn't sure I would get to, and that's just being me again. I'm ready to break free from the terrible memories and go back to my life in Sydney.

This time, I go prepared. I've already applied on line for ten jobs in the city; and heard from five, all of which I have interviews lined up for. As for my living situation, Simone and I are talking about renting our own apartment. It's just a thought at this stage, but one we're both keen on.

Going back to university, although daunting, is something I am ready to do. Now that I have had some time to get myself better, I can see that it's not so much the environment, but the poor choices I made back in Sydney that have led me to where I am today. Bad choices I can't change but can only learn from. The only thing I want now is to move forward with my life. This time I will not compromise myself or my values for money. I will live a life I can be proud of and proud to tell other people about. No more secrets or lies. I'm done with that. Now I need to figure out what makes me happy. What sort of life that will be? And I can't rely on anyone else to make that happen for me. This is my life. It's something I need to do for myself.

As I stare at the grey church, a calmness settles within me. I am not a religious person, but this is where my father's funeral service took place, and this is where his mother had worshiped. It seems right. Upon entering, three women catch my eye: one is wiping the pews, another cleaning a window, and another in the far corner mopping. Then my eyes drift to the front row, where I had sat years ago watching my father's funeral service. What a miserable day it had been. Buy I remind myself that I am not here to stir up painful memories.

As I take one last look around the church, I spin on my heels and head for the donation box. With a deep breath, I reach into my handbag and pull out the envelope containing the two thousand dollars from Michael. It seems pointless saying I regret doing the lap dance now, but I do. Which is why I could not spend a dollar of his money? It seemed wrong to do so. As if admitting that what I did was ok, and it wasn't, not for me. To me, this envelope represents a nightmare. One I am desperate to put behind me. The sooner I am free of it, the sooner I can put it behind me.

I stare at the envelope in my hand. This is where most of my troubles started, and I'm hoping this is where it will end. Pity I could not foresee all this before I agreed to do the lap dance. I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I had. Nevertheless, I've found some peace with my actions over the last few weeks. Well, as much peace as I can at this stage. Enough to accept my mistakes and move forward. I can't change what I've done. I would if I could trust me. But since that's not a possibility, I must accept that as caught off guard as I was by everything, I was not prepared to handle so many problems at once. And, as a result, my mental health took the brunt of it all.

I slip the folded envelope into the donation box. Now it's time to release myself from this money and what it represents. I cannot undo my mistakes; but I am glad to know that this money will finally do some good. Now it's time to seize the amazing opportunities back in Sydney, and go after the life I want, have been dreaming of for years.

Within minutes, I arrive at the lawn cemetery with a bouquet of fake sunflowers and a small mix of fresh flowers. I purchased the fresh flowers because I won't be back for a while and the fake flowers because they will last for months.