Unseen

-7-

I'm angry. So angry I can't even be sad anymore. It's so unfair I can't cry and let out what I'm feeling, that I'm trapped in this frozen state and I can't even shed a tear when someone hurts me. The sorrow I live with is suffocating and I do what I can to ignore it and carry on, but I wish I could at least cry once and relieve a bit of the agony that lives within me.

James thinks he's so special and that he can just treat me like he wants because he's alive. I already went through hell when I was alive and I won't do the same now that I'm dead. If there's one positive thing to being dead it is that no one can bully me, no one can hurt me and humiliate me like before. James can't come now and remind me how miserable and insignificant I am and how no one ever accepted me aside from my family.

"Like I want to talk to you, you gigantic moron!"I cry out at the top of my lungs even if he cannot hear me because he's back in college whilst I'm just somewhere in town. "I just don't have another option,"I add in a whisper, feeling low again.

I pull my legs upwards and I hug them, resting my chin on my knees.

Is it too much to ask that for once, one person, thinks I'm not a burden and would want to talk to me? Why is it that everyone rejects me? I've never had a friend and only my mum and dad ever loved me, but no other human seemed to even tolerate me. I just want someone who could smile at me and think I'm funny or nice. I don't need to be someone's best friend, just someone's acquaintance is enough.

Find another ghost, James said but where? Is there a community for beings like me? People that are stuck in the world of the living and can't move on, if the whole concept of moving on exists. Can I find a support group and meet every week to talk about our problems? That would be nice.

"Hello, my name is Paige Samuels and I've been stuck since I don't know when but I assume it's a lot. I can't really remember," I say out loud, imagining our meeting of Ghosts Anonymous. "This week I was insulted and rejected brutally by a living one. He's a total twat and has no compassion and he's super asocial. A real jerk. But he hurt me and my feelings and for a while it feels like I'm alive again, being bullied and hated by everyone for no reason. At least he told me he hates me because I annoy him. I know I do but still, he didn't need to be that cruel, did he?" I continue, hugging my legs even tighter. It doesn't hurt. Nothing physically hurts now. "I just wanted someone to hear me for once. Someone who could have an answer or anything." My voice breaks and I have to hide my face in my knees for some seconds. I want to cry so badly, I feel like crying but nothing happens. I'm stuck here. "I wanted someone to look me in the eyes without mock or disgust. But I guess that was too much to ask, after all. Even when I'm dead people still hate me."

I start shaking. Once the frustration and anger fade the agony of what happened and what that means kicks in and starts chocking me. It feels like hands wrapped around my neck, squeezing and I can't breathe. I don't need to breathe but that doesn't mean I don't feel trapped and scared and horribly hurt.

"Am I really that horrible? That hateful? Maybe it is my fault that people treated me like that. Maybe there is something wrong with me that repulses people. I thought it was them being mean but if even when I'm dead people hate me, then I must be the one at fault," I whisper, thinking out loud and still wishing I could cry.

I take a deep breath and look up the sky, a sad smile on my lips as I try to calm down.

"I'd like to fill in a complaint. This whole not-being-able to cry business is a real scam. I want my money back. Not that I paid or anything, but I feel seriously ripped off right now," I rant, talking to the grey clouds above me as if these could have the answer or would send me a form to fill in with my complaint. "I'd also like to leave a complaint for James Black. I hope that when he dies he also gets stuck and learns what it feels to be all alone and to have people ignoring you even when you need them. That'll teach him." I feel immediately guilty after saying that. "Okay no, that's too cruel. I don't wish anyone to feel what I feel. Not even to James."