Unseen

-36-

          His smile is radiant and oh so happy. James forgets about Clyde and focuses all his attention on me, cupping my face in his hand. I lean closer in the warmth of his touch. As he can feel my emotions I'm pretty sure he was aware of my feelings even before I acknowledged them, but it still makes him happy that I say it out loud. I don't know exactly what is that makes it important, to utter those three words. They don't really change anything, not technically speaking, but at the same time they change a lot.

"And I love you, too," he replies, kissing my forehead.

"What if..." I start, feeling hesitant but going for it anyway. "What if I stay with you? If I don't cross over?"

That's something that's been in my mind for a while, the chance to stay with him. I know my mother is waiting for me, hopefully, but I'm happy here with James. I feel loved and accepted, I don't have to deal with bullies and I do feel like I am alive, despite the irony that I am a ghost. I feel terrible for saying this, but I'm happier now than when I had my parents, when I was alive. I know they loved me, but maybe I was faulty or too immature, maybe too weak, or maybe the bullying and constant harassment was too much for one person alone. Even if my parents always showed me how much I meant to them, they couldn't measure up to the bullies. Right now, James is the only one that loves me, and he only has to fight the loneliness that comes with being a ghost. It's not that hard, he just needs to stay with me to push all that away and fix everything that's wrong. Just a smile of his and I feel good, warm emotions coming to me, wrapping me like his arms do. James only needs to touch me to push the hatred and resentment to the back of my heart. It is possible to let go of the grudge I hold, but only when I have him to focus on, when there's love to give and receive. If I don't have him, then that thirst for revenge and justice is all I have, hence all I hold on to.

If I can't move on, if I have to be in this world, then I want to be with James. But I can't be certain that he'll want to stay with me forever. I only have him, he's my only option, but for him it's very different. He has a world of opportunities and options, he can choose. I only have two paths I can possibly follow, one leads to him, the other to my mother. Right now, I'm thinking of choosing him, even if that breaks my heart. But if I chose my mother then it means leaving James behind and that hurts more, so much more.

That is why making choices is so hard. Because it hurts, because no matter what, you're losing something. At the end it's not about what you win at the end, it's about what you give up on. You chose letting go of that one that hurts less, and stay with the one that hurts the most to let go. And at the end, if you can live without that one, then you did well at letting it go.

Right now I think that I can live without my mother. After all, that's a natural thing, to leave the nest and make your own. But I don't think I can live without James, even if I'm not really living.

I don't think I can exist without James. Leaving him behind, breaking his heart and leaving him all alone hurts more than not ever seeing my mother again.

"What?" He asks, confused that I'm bringing that up now.

"That. Me, staying here with you. Would that be that bad?"

James doesn't react at first, I think he's too surprised and is still thinking about it, trying to process my words and find the best way to answer without making a mistake. It's a delicate subject, so he's only being careful. Or that I hope.

"Are you giving up crossing over?" James inquires next, his brow slightly furrowed in concentration. "Is that what you're suggesting?"

"No," I shake my head. "Yes." I frown, confused. "Maybe? I mean... would it be that bad if I don't try to find my lesson and I just... continue like this?" James doesn't say anything, he just stares at me. I don't think I'm making enough sense for him to follow me. "I mean..." I take a deep breath, trying to sort my thoughts out and put them out there for him. "Every time I think of just... leaving you, it breaks me. You know when you feel like you're drowning and you're desperate for air? Your lungs burn and you can't even see? Well, kind of like that. But instead of water or lack of oxygen, it's just all that... hatred in me. Without you, it consumes me. Maybe it's me being selfish, but I want to stay with you. I want to feel happy, even if it's when I'm just a ghost. I couldn't have something like this when I was alive, this peace and love... and now I don't want to give it up."