Unseen

-6-

"I wish mum could see me like you, Luna,"I comment once I'm in my room, petting my black cat.

I don't know how old Luna is; I just know Mum got her to cheer me up back in the day when I was brutally bullied every day. She heard that cats absorb negative energy and are of great help for depressed people. It's not recommended to have puppies around depressed people because they will also be affected and become sad. Cats can handle it better and help the owners, so Mum thought having Luna would help. I think it didn't.

I don't remember how or when I died. It all seems blurry. I think I remember a rope, but I don't know if I actually killed myself, wanted to kill myself, or something else. I do remember how people constantly told me to kill myself and I listened to them, but I don't know if I had the courage to actually do it. I've never been the brave type.

Many things are blurry in my memory, but I do remember how I felt. Happy with my family and miserable at school. I remember the desperation, the heartbreak and sorrow. I remember the frustration because I couldn't understand why people hated me so much, why they treated me in that way.

I've been doing the same thing for so long that I don't know how long I've done it; there's no cue in my body that tells me whether I killed myself or not. It would be helpful if it were like in films, where the ghosts remain as they did when they died. For instance, if I had shot myself I would have a whole in my forehead and loads of blood. Or if I drowned in a well then I would be soaking wet. But no, I look completely normal. I don't have a mark around my neck that could tell me I hung myself and my clothes are clean.

"If Mum could see me she'd be able to tell me what happened to me. Or you should talk like in Sailor Moon, Luna. That'd help, too,"I continue talking.

What little I know is that all animals can see me but for some reason cats seem more willing to approach me than dogs or other animals. They can also touch me and don't complain about it. Luna seems to actually enjoy it and always purrs. I touch people and they seem to react, but I wonder what they feel.

That's another thing I'll ask James tomorrow.

I'm so excited for tomorrow, I don't think I can sleep. Not that I sleep. I don't feel tired or sleepy so I just lie in bed at night, with Luna and everything just blurs until it's morning and I leave the house.

I pretend to have a normal life. I pretend to be alive and do the things I always did when I was alive, although I can't even change my outfit. I've tried, but the moment I turn around after seeing my reflection, the clothes I put on fall to the ground and I'm back in the same dress and denim jacket. Summer, autumn, winter and spring, same clothes every season. But I still pretend every morning like I have a choice and I decide to wear the same outfit instead of feeling forced to do so.

Going to classes is...I don't know. I just go. It's like my body is dragged in that direction and I don't even fight it. What else can I do? Stay alone at home?

So that's what I do the next morning. I pretend I don't have anything better to wear so I go with the same dress and denim jacket. I pretend I don't have time to have breakfast and leave the house in a hurry after wishing Mum a good day at work. Once outside I take my time, walking slowly to college, getting distracted in the way per usual. I've never been known for having a large attention span.

Once in college I go immediately to our studio, hoping to find James alone but he's not around and other kids have arrived already. He only walks in two seconds before Nigel for our Printmaking class.

I realise something when I move to talk to him: he won't answer and he'll ignore me even if he can see me; not just because that seems to be his favourite hobby, but also because we are in the class with everyone around and if he is seen talking to the thin air, then he'll be labeled as the mad new kid. He already has enough rumours without having to give them more ammunition to load the gun.