Unseen

-13-

I look away, outside the window as what's there is the most fascinating thing in the world. There's fear in the pit of my guts, paralysing fear and I even have to hide my hands under the table because these are trembling and I don't want James to see that.

It's not that the possibility of being like this forever didn't cross my mind before, it's more that now it's a confirmation that the possibility exists, even if it's by choice. Somehow it has become real and that scares me. It's already difficult enough to exist like this, then what do I do when Mum passes away? What do I do when the world keeps changing and I'm still stuck? It's like seeing the world and everything that's happening but not being able to actually touch it. It's as if I were locked in a glass cage. But can I even stay in that case forever? What do I do when the world that was mine completely disappears? When there's nothing else left that once was mine?

"You must have something left to do," James says, his voice soft and careful. I chuckle but not because I'm amused, it's more of a cynical laughter.

"What? Are you willing to help me find my unfinished business now?" I turn to look at him and my voice is cold and lifeless... like a corpse. "I don't remember how I died or why or when. I can barely remember when I was alive and I don't even know where to go. I am stuck. I repeat. That's all I do. What unfinished business could I have? Finishing college? I can't do that, no matter how many times I repeat this diploma. Form a family? Fall in love? How? With another ghost?" I laugh again, that cynical and hateful laughter. "What can I do to help me cross over? I have no clue, I don't even know where to begin."

"There must be a reason why you're stuck," he continues and I shake my head.

"I'm not only stuck, I'm completely alone. I don't have answers, I just have questions, even about myself." I look down for a few seconds, focusing on the pattern of my dress and heaving an exhausted sigh. "I don't even even feel compelled to do anything. Do I even have an unfinished business?"

James doesn't reply because if I don't know it, how could he? I don't feel dragged to anything. I didn't leave anything behind that worries me or anything.

"Is it normal that ghosts don't have a clue what is holding them back?" I ask because he doesn't seem unwilling to answer this time so I might as well make use of this chance.

"I've never met one that didn't know until..."

"Until you met me," I complete for him and when I look up to meet his eyes I can see pity in his. "It seems I'm not your average ghost, then."

I stand up, suddenly feeling very suffocated inside this library. I just want to go out, take a breathe even if this won't change a thing. I want to let at least the wind touch me. So I turn on my heels to leave but before I actually take a step away I remember something I need to know before leaving James.

"May I ask another question? The last one, I promise," I say, not turning to face him or anything.

"Go ahead," he replies.

I wrap my arms around my waist and take a deep breath before I fire away, "What does it feel to touch a ghost? Is that unpleasant?"

He doesn't reply for many seconds so I think he won't. I turn to look over my shoulder and find him watching me carefully, his eyebrows furrowed and the dreadlocks framing his boyish face. I feel a tug in my chest when I meet his eyes, something inside of me that makes me feel even more sorrowful than I already do.

"Very," he replies, a mere whisper but I hear him in this quiet room and that simple word hurts. "It's not painful, but it feels like cold hands are running down your skin. You feel cold to the bone and so sad and lonely. It's like that when they touch you they pass on all the sorrow they carry and I have never met a happy ghost." A little smile plays on his lips when he pauses. "You're the most cheerful ghost I've met."