Teach me to trust

10. Try

One of my biggest issues is my lack of trust, I think.

My past relationships haven't really given me a good outlook and I find that no matter what, I can't get that growing doubt out of my head. I'm trying to work on it, I really am.

Which is why, after a night of mulling it over in my head, I'm sat here reading Nate's texts again.

'Fuck hold on I'm coming now'

'Come back and let me explain over breakfast'

'I'm sorry, Emily. Give me a chance to explain it all to you, please'

I close my eyes and put my head back against the pillow. What do I say now? Have I left it too late to reply and he's no longer interested? For fuck's sake.

I open my eyes, glancing at my phone again and see three dots appear at the bottom of the screen, my heart practically stops, and I frantically swipe my finger across the screen to close the chat before he sends anything.

Too close for comfort, my breathing is erratic, and I have to take a minute to get myself together.

I hear a notification come through on the end of my bed, where I threw my phone in a panic. Picking my phone up I see it's from him,

'Good morning. I wanted to ask if you're free today. I'd really like to see you and I need to talk to you about what happened yesterday'

Ok so he's still interested. Good start.

I check the time at the top of my phone, 9:30am. He sent the message one minute ago, so I have to wait at least 5 minutes before I reply.

I just don't know if I'm ready to have this conversation. My mind is screaming at me not to trust him, to forget about him and move on. I don't know how I feel, other than nausea.

I start typing out a message then stop and delete it all. What am I supposed to say? I'm a nervous mess from just this, what if we get in this deeper and I get my heart broken.

I don't think I'd recover from another heart break.

I close the conversation and lock my phone, putting it down on the bed next to me.

Then I pick it back up and find Keira's number, I need to talk to someone and she's the only friend I have here. The only one who really understands the way my brain woks and why.

"Hey bitch, why have you decided to grace me with this call" she picks up with, and I find myself lost for words.

"Em? You there?" she asks again, and I find my voice.

"Hey K, I uh. I need your advice" and she goes quiet for a brief second.

"Give me 5, I'll come get you and we'll get some nice coffee and talk. Ok?" and she hangs up before I have the chance to respond to her rhetorical question.

I know she literally means 5 minutes so I drag myself out of bed, quickly glancing at my phone again and heading into the bathroom to get ready, casual comfies should do.

I just finish pulling on my leggings when I hear Keira knocking at the front door and I know she must be concerned if she's taking the time to behave like a normal person, rather than finding an open window like she normally does.

"Come in!" I shout from upstairs, pulling on a comfy jumper and finding some socks in my drawer, slipping them on and starting downstairs.

"Hey so I thought we could just find a café nearby? Somewhere that does decent coffee that isn't going to cost an arm and a leg" and I can see she's googling 'coffee shops near me'

"Sounds good" I say, pulling on my black boots and opening the front door, Keira slipping through past me, clicking on the place she wants to go.

"Oh here it is" Keira points out a little cafe tucked away in a row of shops, and she wanders in, holding the door open for me behind her.

It's a nice little place, dark decor with little tables scattered all over the place. All the staff wear matching black aprons with a sheep's head sewn into the front, the cafe's name stitched in fine print over the top. 

Keira and I find a table placed in a far corner of the cafe, quiet and away from the 4 other couples  dotted around the place. 

I can tell Keira is itching to ask me what I wanted to talk about, but I appreciate that she's letting me bring it up in my own time. After we order I'll talk to her, ask her what she thinks I should do now that I know he's reached out. 

A waiter comes over, an auburn bun tied at the back of his head and the starts of an auburn beard around his chin.

"Hello ladies, what can I get for you today?" he asks, smiling politely at the both of us as we tell him our order. He nods and tells us it won't be long before he walks over to the coffee machines. 

"So basically" I pull my phone out and open the chat with Nate, sliding my phone over to Keira.

She looks over at me in curiosity, before pulling my phone closer to her, careful to only touch the screen with her pointer finger so she doesn't risk accidentally sending him anything. She begins nodding her head as she quickly reads his messages, sending my phone back to me and asking,

"Ok, so how do you feel?" and I practically burst telling her all the thoughts running through my head. 

"I just don't know what to do. What if this, whatever it is, isn't worth the risk of me putting myself out there?" I shake my head, and Keira reaches over to put her hand on my arm, looking at me with understanding,

"But what if it is worth the risk?" she asks, and I quiet down. 

"Em, you cannot close yourself from these opportunities forever. You're so young. 23 is no age to give up on finding someone who can make you happy. What your ex did, I understand why you're so apprehensive but if you stay scared forever, you will end up on your own and feeling worse" she shakes her head, looking at me.

"You need to give someone a chance, sometime. Why not him? Look at these messages" she holds my phone up to show me,

"You think this is a man that's upset you didn't fuck him? He would have blocked you. He obviously cares about making things right" and I look at her, listening intently.

"Let him try and make things right" she says, and I nod at her. 

I will.