𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐤𝐢𝐝

THIRTY

cassandra
wednesday 3/3/2021

"Cassandra what the hell is happening to you!" My mother yells at me. My head is pounding, I feel tears prickle down my cheeks while I feel my palms get wet from the tears. "Do you need to go back to the hospital—"

"No! Not there mom, not again!" I take my head out of my hands to argue back. "Please mom," I sob harder. "not there." I whisper while shaking my head.

Every since my break up with Ale, I relapsed but harder this time. Harder than before, I've been failing my classes now, softball season just ended and hopefully they don't know I've been relapsing because if they do, I will lose my scholarships that I have to decide by next week.

"I don't know how to help you anymore Cassandra. Therapy is not helping, the hospitals treat you all like shit, I just don't know how to help you." My mom sits down on the bed besides. "We have been arguing again."

"I know, I'm sorry." I wipe my tears and look everywhere but my mother. I look at the corner of my eye to see her shaking her head 'no'.

"You can't just turn to drugs when something goes bad—"

"It makes me feel good mom. It feels good to feel
all the pain go away just for a moment mom." I say truthfully. "I only turn to drugs now because I'm use to have that had my coping system." I look at her.

After a second, I look away. I couldn't look at her in the eyes and see the pain in her eyes. It's painful for me to see.

"I used to be like this too, thought drugs were the answer too, but you have to stop, you have a whole future with softball—"

"Is that the only thing you care about? Softball? After college ball I'm done mom, so softball won't be around after 4 years. So softball has no future for me." I bark back but I didn't mean to. I'm just annoying, angry, alone, but I also just want to be alone. "Can I be by myself please?"

My mother just nods her head and get's up to leave my room closing the door her way out.

I lay back down and just look out the window. Thought if I added some natural light I would be better but that's false.

I miss him, he made me feel better about myself, made me feel like I'm really am worthy, made me feel like I'm normal and didn't have a past, made me feel special in many different ways, made me feel safe, but then he kissed her.

God and he knows how much I dislike her and still went for it. He knows how much I compare myself to her but he still did it. Is it true that he loves me? I'm starting to find that hard to believe because he kissed her without a second thought, did it so fast and so quickly.

Was he just playing me?

Does he really, truly love me?

Did he only want to be with me because he wanted to know about my past and not me?

Did he just wanted to play me?

He only tried to be my friend in the beginning because he was alone since he was new in the school or did he really wanted to be my friend?

I introduced him to my main friend group and I usually don't do that....

He really did use me didn't he?

God I feel so stupid. I started to cry again, but I honestly don't remember stopping.

Alejandro hasn't stop blowing up my phone so I shut it down. Everyone was trying to text me but I haven't to answer to any of them, social media is been crazier but I just need the world to stop spinning. Just for a second.

I get up and went to my desk to get my vape. Well one of the many I still have. I look at the different colors. I pick the one I like the most, strawberry banana. Sounds weird but taste wonderfully. Same thing with mint and raspberries. Also one of my favorites.

Vaping makes me feel good also. It's not healthy but it makes me feel wonderfully.

Oh god am I high?

I chuckle. Seems like I am. I let my lips wrap around the hole of the vape and took a big inhale. I inhale the smoke letting it hit my throat and exhale it. God I miss that feeling.

I kept doing it a few more times then stopped to drink water. I lay down and kept hitting my vape and just started to think.

I really do have a future with softball don't I?

I really need to find a way to cope, but after this stick and poke.

I grab my needle and a lighter. I let the fire escape and hover my needle over the fire. After, i put it in some rubbing alcohol and some medicine cream. I grab my (non) toxic ink and let my needle get dipped into the ink.

I raise the side of my shirt to show my ribs. I get up carefully and went to my mirror. Without a second thought, I started to draw myself like a canvas. It started small but then it got bigger and bigger till the point it's not just covering that small, till the point I ran out of ink.

"Looks cool" I say to myself. I'm actually proud of myself with this, my first true big art you can say.