Harper & Lee Plus Three

The Diagnosis

 I took another swig of my Starbucks iced coffee. It was the day before Halloween and the day of Zophia's doctor appointment with Doctor Choi. Since Lee had to work this afternoon, I was the one getting up each time to take care of the five babies. I got maybe thirty minutes of sleep and felt like death.

"Zozo, are you ready to go to the doctors so we can find out why you don't feel good?" I asked her.

"Uh-huh," she said, playing with her Barbie in the back seat.

I took some shaky breaths as I sipped my coffee. I knew the cameras were mounted on the dashboard and they were filming, but I had nothing to say. I just couldn't speak. My chest felt tight. How could something be wrong with my baby?

"Hey, I love you, babe," Lee whispered to me. He reached over and took my hand in his. "Always."

"Love you too," I said.

"We'll get through this. Whatever it is," he said.

I didn't say anything back, but turned up the volume on the radio instead. I wanted Zophia to feel calm and happy, even though it seemed impossible. I played that Disney CD as loud as possible. The team would be able to edit out the music.

Lee pulled into the pediatrician's office. Jamie and the rest of the crew were waiting. We parked the car and got Zozo out of her car seat. I gave her a kiss when I picked her up. I held her on my hip as we walked in. Once she was checked in, I set her down to play with all the toy tables. They had an array of wooden structures with beads all over them. The kids could move them up over humps and through hoops. Zozo called them "bead coasters."

"Zophia?" said a nurse a few minutes later.

"Okay Zozo. Let's go," I said to her.

"No," she whined.

"Zophia, now," Lee said.

That was all it took. She went away from the table and walked to the back with us. The nurse took her height and weight. Height was the same as when we were here with another fever a month ago. Weight was down two pounds. I had a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. They brought us into the examination room where, as usual, we waited, and waited, and waited.

"Does it always take this long?" Lee asked.

"Yup," I said. "Maybe if you actually brought the kids to the doctor more often, you'd get it."

"We're not doing this. Not now," Lee said.

I scrolled aimlessly through my phone, then read Zozo an ebook because she was bored. Doctor Choi came in after forty-five minutes of waiting. There was another nurse with her.

"Hello, how are we doing today, Zophia?" she asked Zozo.

"Good," said Zozo.

"She's definitely eating less, and she's been getting tired a lot. It's hard for her to keep up with the other two," I said.

"I'd like to have her go with Katie," Doctor Choi said, gesturing to the nurse in the doorway. She turned back to Zozo. "I need to talk to Mommy and Daddy for a bit. It'll be very boring, so can you go with Katie and play for a bit while we talk?" Zozo nodded. "Great. Thank you. But don't forget your lollipop! Do you want a red one again?"

"Yeah!" said Zozo.

Doctor Choi reached into a drawer and handed Zozo a red lollipop, which she happily took. I got her down off the examination table and handed her off to Katie, who took her down the hall. Doctor Choi sat down across from us.

"Well, how bad is it?" Lee asked.

"It's very serious," said Doctor Choi. "I'm going to refer you to a pediatric oncologist."

"What the hell is that?" I asked.

"A cancer doctor," Lee said to me, gripping my hand.

"A...a what?" I said. "You think she has cancer?"

"Leukemia. The lab results showed a large amount of white blood cells, which is a telltale sign of Leukemia. The oncologist will be able to determine what type and treatment."

I put my hands on my head. I felt like my brain was going to explode. Leukemia? My little Zozo has Leukemia?

"When do we see the oncologist?" Lee asked, his voice shaking.

"I sent your referral over and called him before you came in. He has an appointment open at two this afternoon," said Doctor Choi.

"Of course we'll go," Lee said.

I couldn't speak. I couldn't do anything. I was completely numb. I really wanted to send the crew away, but I couldn't. My body wouldn't move.

Lee was crying. My heart was splitting. I'd never seen him cry before. Ever.

"I'm so sorry. No parent should have to go through this. I made you a list of free hotlines and online support groups." Doctor Choi handed the list to me. "Please call me anytime you need, alright? I'll give you a few minutes before I bring Zophia back in."

"T-thank y-you," I managed to say.

She left the room and I heard sniffling behind me. It was Jamie, wiping away tears. Dave, our sound guy, along with Alex and Cameron, our two camera guys, were also crying. We had our disagreements sometimes, but the MTV crew was like our extended family. The kids loved them. They were with our kids more over the past year than they were with their own families.

"Turn them off, guys. We're done," Jamie said, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. "We're done filming for the day. We'll pick up tomorrow."

"Thanks," I said, now wiping away my own tears.

Jamie leaned down to hug me. "You're strong. You'll get through this."

"I...I can't," I said.

"You will," she said.

Her and the guys left the room. Lee and I took a few more minutes to dry up our tears and compose ourselves. It was near impossible, but we did it. We held hands as we walked out of the room and to the checkout counter, where we got the address for the oncologist's office.

We went out into the waiting room, where Zozo was so distracted playing with her bead coasters that she didn't even notice us. I tapped her. She turned around and gave me a hug. I picked her up and thanked Nurse Katie, then left.

"Zozo, we have to go to a new doctor later, okay?" I told her.

"No!" she whined.

"I know, baby. I know. I don't want to go either," I said, stroking her head. "But we have to."