Falling for You (Lesbian Love Story)

Chapter Twenty-One: Forgetting Lost Memories

Carson:

 

My eyes blinked open slowly as I observed the surroundings I was in. Crimson poppy flowers cushioned me as I pushed myself off of the ground. The crisp air and the warm sun made me realize I was in the place I have dreamed of being at again for years.

Austria.

This beautiful sanctuary was the last time I saw my aunt alive.She was always like the mother I never had the privilege of having. She raised me when my father was too caught up in his work and despair to even want acknowledge my existence. She took my on many summer trips mainly all over Europe from the time I could be in school. We went to Greece, Italy, Germany, the United Kingdom, and to all of the other countries in Europe. But Austria was our absolute favorite. Between the lush landscape and the ‘Sound of Music’ tour, we sang and twirled our hearts out all while attempting to learn Dutch and blend in with the locals. But all that changed when she couldn’t get out of bed one morning.

I was twelve years old at the time and we had just gotten back from Austria so I assumed she just had jet lag. But hours and hours passed and Aunt Regina still had never left her bed. I called on my dad and help called the paramedics and we rushed over to the hospital. It was there that we discovered that she had a brain tumor and she only had one year left to live. This was truly when the sky fell in...

 

I was in a white gown that still had a couple of pieces of grass left on it. I walked through the fields feeling somewhat empty and cold. The wind whipped and whistled and I could hear things, bits and pieces of broken sentences. I couldn't really discern what was going on, all I could remember was my father and the dinner...and that's where I keep drawing a blank. It's like I'm going through the same day over and over again.

 

Limbo,  that's what it's called.  Is this what death feels like? The emptiness, the coldness?  All I can really think about is Lux and how mad I was at her and about the shitty things I said to her. Regret is the only emotion worth feeling right now, and I painfully regret what happened. I was in love with her and she broke my heart. No, regret wasn't the only emotion, fear, was choking me alive.

 

Lux:

 

It has been two weeks since I've seen her and nothing has been the same. The school has placed a table at the front of school where the have a active vigil filled with the usual cards and teddy bears, the community's version of a mass prayer. I hate even looking at it sometimes because it makes me feel like she's already dead. I roam the halls in silence making probably the best grades I've had for the entire semester. My parents have learned to just ignore me and let me "emote in all ways that are deemed healthy", their words not mine. My mother is showing now,  and is feeling happier than I've ever seen her.

I came out to her and my father, and the responded as I suspected, with all the love and care someone could ask for. But,  I can feel a sense of pity when they look at me. As if I'm some poor helpless puppies on one of those ASPCA commercials, sad and broken down from so unknown force. I'm just so tired of it. Tired of living in my own head and thinking about what ifs, so Genevieve's diary has been my safe haven. It has been obsessively happy as she the soldier Elizabeth grow closer and closer as the days go on. I'm actually in my room now read to indulge in my daily fix.

 

04/15/1861

 

This last month has been interesting... Elizabeth has been growing healthier by the minute and more relaxed around me.  She tells me of her past and her family, of her love of nature and fishing. She says if only she could just smell another wild blackberry bush, she would be satisfied for life. I washed, fed, and dressed her with all the effort I can give due to my state. I grow more round trying to cloak my stomach to the best of my ability. My past symptoms have died down and I can calmly care for her. But I am afraid,  I cannot trust my words in this text. But, that hazel bite pokes my heart softly as the nights grow shorter.

Then, something unexpected occurred. I was preparing Elizabeth breakfast when a flutter spread in my stomach. It gave me such a fright that I dropped a plate.  It was then when it dawned on me that I was actually carrying a person, Daniel's person, my person...

What if the child looked like him? What if I could never move past what he did to me, what he did to Betsy. It was rare these that he would make it home, but when he did it was quiet and he would barely acknowledge me or Elizabeth or 'Edward' as I call her when he is around. But I don't mind as much as I did before Elizabeth was in my life. But I know he would ruin all of that if he knew of this child, or Elizabeth even. And I cannot lose something again... ever

05/26/1861

There is so much to speak of in this entry. Elizabeth and I...well let me just go back. Two weeks ago I was in my room changing when I heard the door crack open and I quickly bundled up my dress not wanting to seem indecent. Elizabeth stood there in Daniel's pajamas with a smirk on her face. She glided toward me with a mysterious look on her face. She crawled slowly on the bed fondling the covering as she went.  Her lithe fingers danced on my shoulders as she leaned in closer her lips brushing my ear, sending frost bites down my spine.  She whispered her thanks in my ear her teeth lightly grazing my inner ear. She then began to tell me how much I meant to her,  from the bottom of her heart. By then she had started caressing my breasts and licking my neck. I don't think I've ever moaned so much in my life, or that it was even possible.  We made love fiercely that night,  and she even discovered my little secret. Her only response being that she has always wanted a child. Since that night we've lived together as one woman would live with her husband.  But much more intimate than Daniel and I would ever be. She makes me feel whole,  as if I can finally feel safe, wanted. Though I still morn Betsy, she is able to get me through it. I don't know what the next step is, but I must keep moving to survive.

-Genevieve

Maybe I should be like Genevieve,  I just need to move on from Carson. I lied and cheated her, and now she could be dead over it. But I can't change that,  I can't change my mind and go back and stop myself from pranking her. I can't go back and forget how much she meant to me and how close we got.  But I can't wallow in my sorrow, there has to be a better way and I'm ready to find out what that is.

Carson:

Days passed and I swirled in an endless sky, floating barely above reach. Before I was empty and hollow like a wooden doll. But something flickered now,  something wild and unbelievable.  And if burned like hell, maybe that's where I was going, where I belong.

But life could never be that easy,  one way in and one way out.  No, there are channels and highways and little pockets to hide in. So I can't escape,  and probably won't for a while because the feeling was real.  Tangible. As I heaved my lungs contacted and I took my first step back into the land of the living....

A/N:

OK so I decided to put this at the end so you can enjoy the long awaited chapter. There is no real excuse besides me living my life and getting my priorities straight.  So thanks guys for supporting me through my dark ages. So this is dedicated to all of you who stuck by FFY which is officially at that turning point. As an author I'm torn between the cliche of a happy ending and the sadness you guys will experience of its not.  But if it's unhappy there maybe a sequel, so my lovelies you decide and let me know in comments. Happy ending or sequel?

Love to you all,

Angel