glow of the mark (six of crows soulmate au)

chapter fifteen (kaz)

tw: panic attacks and violence 

"Kaz." Despite the voice being as soft as the passing wind, it pulled him from his devastating nightmare.

He sat up in bed, breathing heavily. She was standing beside his bed, "Are you alright? I heard your panicked breathing through the walls. You were also talking a bit in your sleep."

The walls of the ship were paper-thin, and Inej commonly stayed up into the early hours of the morning, usually reading or writing letters of some sort.

"I'm fine." He lied, wiping the tears off of his face that had likely fallen whilst he was asleep.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" She asked, keeping her voice to a whisper as to not wake the others.

"No, Inej, I am fine." He repeated. 

"Alright, I'll leave you be..." Inej left the room uncertainly, glancing back at him as she closed the door behind her.

The truth?

Kaz Brekker was not okay.

In his nightmares, he had relived the day he and his brother were aboard the ship, in a sea of lifeless bodies. It was the root of his weaknesses. 

Jordie had died of a deadly plague, and Kaz had caught it too, but he survived. The two were presumed dead and thrown on a ship to a nearby uninhabited island, where bodies were being dumped and burned. Kaz was able to escape back to Amsterdam using his brother's corpse as a float. It had scarred him. Because of the experience, he wore his gloves nearly all the time to avoid skin-on-skin contact. He only took them off to sleep, change them, or tend to a wound. The only person he would remove them in front of was Inej, but, even she, the thief of secrets, the Wraith, didn't know why he wore them.

~~~

The next morning, Kaz felt more out of it than usual, but he made it invisible to his crew. When he had finished his "breakfast," as he liked to call it (just a black coffee), he joined the Crows in the common room, who were all dressed, winter coats bundled tight around them. The ship was not the warmest... to say the least.

"Let's go, it's time," Kaz said, ducking underneath the doorway as he entered.

They all stood without question, the energy in the room had dropped when Kaz had spoken. None of them were looking forward to this, even Kaz, he was only doing it for the money.

Kaz sent Matthias and Jesper down to retrieve the prisoner, who had been starved for the past few days, per the client's request. When they met up with the rest of the Crows on the ship's deck, Kaz pulled his gloves on tighter, thoughts racing through his mind.

Kozlov was definitely weak, Jesper and Matthias were practically fully carrying him. The man pleaded with Kaz as loudly as he could, which was hard to hear over the crashing waves. "Please, let me go. I won't say anything. I have kids!"

"Kozlov, we both know that you are barely there for your kids. When you are, you're drunk. So, you shouldn't be able to even call them your kids." Kaz said, leaning on his cane slightly.

He hesitated, "How do you know this?"

"I know a person," Kaz replied, pulling a dagger out, one that he had found in the weapon room, which he had to sharpen for quite a bit. He moved closer to Kozlov and plunged a knife into his side, making Kaz nauseous. "Throw him over." He motioned to the side of the boat, his hands shaking slightly.

Kaz soundlessly walked back down the stairs to his room, the Crows were used to Kaz leaving whenever he felt like it. He sat at the small desk that was in his room, sketching on a piece of paper, which he tended to do whenever he was struggling.

Minutes later, he heard a splash, meaning that they'd thrown him off. He then heard a light knock at his door.

He turned toward it, "Come in."

Inej entered, "Kaz, are you okay? You've been off all morning. If you don't mind telling me, what happened in your dream last night?"

"Inej, I'm fine. I think I'm just coming down with something.

Inej raised an eyebrow, "Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands," Kaz saw a glow through his sleeve out the corner of his eye, Inej's eyes darted to his arm before back to his face, "the Bastard of the Barrel, is admitting to being sick?"

Kaz replied with a stiff chuckle, "Really, I'm alright."

"Kaz, you don't need to tell me, though I want you to know that holding this stuff in isn't going to help you. In fact, you'll feel worse."

He took a deep breath, turning back towards his desk, pulling a new piece of paper out, "Can I sketch you?"

She furrowed her eyebrows and sat on the floor, "Yes, but-"

"When I was younger, I had an older brother," He put the paper on top of a notebook and placed it on his lap, turning his chair so he could easily glance up at Inej to sketch her. "His name was Jordie. I came here with him when I was nine when our father passed. We ended up being conned out of our money and became homeless. Eventually, there was an outbreak here, we both caught it and were unable to receive treatment. Jordie died, and I was very sick as well. We were thought to be dead and thrown on a ship to be transported to an uninhabited island and have our bodies burned, along with others dead from the disease. I escaped and used Jordie's corpse to swim back and help me stay afloat. His skin was freezing cold and felt bloated and taut, which is why touching skin disgusts me."

Inej's eyes were wide, "Kaz, I am so sorry."

Kaz kept sketching, he felt so relieved getting that off his chest. "Thank you." 

"For what?" Inej was surprised, Kaz never so much as uttered those words.

"For listening. For pulling me from my struggles when needed." Kaz couldn't believe he was telling her this.

"Oh, of course." Inej smiled slightly, Kaz loved the sight.

Kaz silently continued his sketch, carefully adding all of Inej's features. When he finished it, he handed it to Inej, who took it carefully, as if it were an ancient relic.

"This is amazing, thank you, Kaz." Inej studied the drawing.

He sat next to her on the floor and found his lips near her neck when he dipped his head. 

She nodded and he moved his head closer, their breathing both hitching. He paused, his lips a few inches from her skin.

"Go on." She said.

His lips brushed against her neck before he quickly pulled away, his breathing suddenly labored. 

"Kaz-"

"Inej, leave."

Inej hesitated, but knew she had to leave.

When she left the room (she took the sketch with her), Kaz moved so he was leaning against the wall, his breathing shaking the entirety of his body.