The Denial Of Death

What Is Real?

10th April 2020

Suhani kept looking at the ceiling fan. Her eyes were moist but face was expressionless. She closed her eyes and her whole life flashed in front of her.
Her childhood, her parents, friends, how she met Sumedh, how she fell in love, their beautiful relationship, perfect marriage and the highlight of her life, Samar.

For him she was ready to leave everything else behind. She didn't care about anything. She had made her decision but somewhere she wanted to meet Sumedh before going away for ever.

Suhani couldn't go out. So as last option she decided to write a letter to him.

Dearest darling Sumedh,

I know you're not supporting this decision but I am still going ahead with it. I need to be with my baby. If he's not in peace like you are saying then he needs me more than anyone else. I am his mother.

We've had an amazing life. You were the perfect husband. A kind of life partner every girl would wish for herself. You loved me selflessly, wholeheartedly and passionately. Since the day I met you I have always lived on cloud nine.

You were always by my side no matter what. I have not been myself lately but you were still there. I tortured you, hurt you, said extremely mean things to you and I am sorry for that. I regret every moment that we spent not talking to each other. I should've been more supportive. I should've acknowledged that you also lost a child.

But I love you. I've always loved you. God knows that I was extremely dedicated to our marriage and to you. May be I wasn't the perfect wife but I tried my best. My love was different than yours or less may be.. But I gave my 100%.

I was disturbed by all the events. I was angry that my baby was taken away from me. I was frustrated because I couldn't do anything to save him. I've always said that I'll protect my baby and I won't let anything happen to him but I failed. I failed and made myself miserable. I was angry on myself for not being able to save my darling boy

I wanna stop this. This constant feeling of being a failed mother... I don't wanna feel it anymore. I would be with my baby and that's what's going to get me out of this guilt. Please be happy. Don't blame yourself. Nothing was your mistake. Be happy for me because I'll be happy with our child. Be happy for Samar because he'll be with his mother.

I'll always love you.

Forever yours,
Suhani.

Suhani wiped away tears from her cheeks. She placed the letter on bed and again looked at ceiling fan. She took out a  dupatta from her cupboard. She took a stool and stood on it.

*****

Sumedh was quietly reading the diary and with every page even his life was turning. There were merely 20 pages where something was written and he completed reading it. He was numb. He wasn't reacting. He wasn't saying anything. His gaze was stuck on floor.

He was now aware about what was happening but still it was not easy to digest.

'May be it's a lie. How can it be?' He thought.

Sumedh looked everywhere. He knew the truth. He could see everything differently. He could finally differentiate between reality and illusion.

Sumedh kept the diary down on floor and grabbed his head. He screamed loudly and started crying. He stood up and came out.

Sumedh didn't see those people. He knocked on the room's door where Suhani was trying to take her life.

"Suhani?" He said whilst crying "Come out please. I need to tell you something"