His Words (bxb)

chapter thirty-one

Friday, November 13, 2020

✧noah✧

It's been over two weeks since I reconciled with my biological mother. A lot has happened since then. 

I was informed that John plead guilty in court last Thursday and that he was sentenced to thirty-one years in federal prison. Knowing that man, he won't last a week without his beer. Ava and Charlotte wanted to take me out to 'celebrate', but I didn't think any part of that suggestion was a good idea and politely declined.

Speaking of parents, Mom and I have met another four times since our first encounter, each one going a little smoother than the last. I tried to deny it, but the truth of the matter is that I really did miss her and want her to be a part of my life. Besides, I now look forward to the days on which we hang out. We spend hours and hours talking, shopping, laughing and gossiping about random people we walk past. It feels so normal. 

I can tell she really is trying to make it up to me, too. We went on a stroll through the park last week and were just chatting away when she noticed I was wearing the necklace she bought for me when I was just a child. The next time we met up, she came with a small box in her hand - a simple, gold necklace with the Star of David. I haven't taken it off since her delicate hands put it on for me. When she noticed I was uncomfortable with food, she stopped suggesting we go to restaurants and cafes together. When she realised I wasn't fond of being touched, she stopped trying to greet me with a hug. I can really tell she's trying. 

As the days went by, I was more and more curious as to whether my mother can take me in again to live with her; she obviously had the financial resources for it. During one of our meetings, I asked her where she was living at the moment and she responded with, "Oh, just at a hotel not too far out of town." When I asked her if she was looking into settling down and living in Hilltown permanently again, she responded with a mere shrug. The topic hasn't come up since then.

I was finally able to remember to text Mason for the first time since I got his phone number. I told him I was hospitalised for two weeks and got busy with the swim meet after that and he completely understood. We agreed to hang out at the arcade last Friday after school and that was probably the most fun I've had with a friend ever - not that I have had a lot of those over the past couple of years. We spent the night playing just about every game, drinking slushies that stained our tongues blue and talking about our partners.

It felt great having someone to talk to that isn't a therapist, parent or boyfriend for once. Mason had such a wild and lively soul - you can't help but laugh when he does. He really knows how to make you feel alive and get the adrenaline pumping through your veins. Since that night, we have been the best of buds. He helps me pick my outfits when I am going out with Elijah and I help him pick out the perfect date destinations - that's the type of friendship we have.

Elijah and I also went on a couple dates since then. Two Saturdays ago, we went blueberry picking at one of the farms just out of town and went back home to make blueberry muffins together - if you could even call the product of two disorganised teenagers working in a kitchen together muffins. It was truly chaotic and the dessert ended up being a little salty and completely overcooked, but it was never about the muffins. It was about the warm sun on our skin as we picked the berries from their bushes, the soft kisses whenever we were within a five metre distance of each other (which was always) and the loud bouts of laughter we shared when Elijah ate half the berries we picked before we even got them home. And after the muffins were made and we had our fill of pretending they tasted good, we ran upstairs and ended the night on a high note. 

Elijah has been coming up more and more at my sessions with Dr. Willow, too. Our first session after the swim meet was spent discussing how BPD affects my life in various ways - extreme mood swings, the extreme fear of abandonment, feelings of emptiness and paranoia, disassociation and warped self-image. We talked about how these symptoms can manifest in my day-to-day life and I found myself relating to a lot of the hypothetical scenarios that Dr. Willow was describing to me.