His Words (bxb)

chapter seventeen

Sunday, September 27, 2020

✧elijah✧

I look over Noah's shoulder at the nurse from earlier standing in the doorway, now accompanied by Mom and Dr. Evans. I mouth the words 'What happened?' to the nurse, but she just shrugs her shoulders. I look back down at the boy in my arms as he sobs into my chest. I tighten my hold around him and press him further into my body as I draw circles on his back to calm him down. Noah only weeps louder and I feel his arms tighten painfully around my torso, his nails now digging into my back. I wince, but do not try to get away.

"Shhhhhh, it's okay, Noah. It's over now," I whisper in his ear in an attempt to calm him down. Again, this only makes him cry louder. I look back up at everyone standing at the doorway, but they're nowhere to be seen and the door is closed. I look back down at Noah to hear him whispering something over and over again.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"

"Hey, look at me, Noah." When he makes no move to do so, I gently place my fingers under his chin and tilt his head up to look at me. "There's nothing to be sorry for. You have suffered for years and been through hell this weekend. I should be the one apologizing to you, Noah. I was too emotional and wasn't there for you when you really needed me. So, I'm the one who's sorry."

Noah stares into my eyes and I stare back into his. I missed these gentle, blue eyes that looked up at me with so much emotion in the past. Sometimes, they were twinkling with happiness, other times, they were overflowing with tears. Right now, they looked absolutely peaceful, as if there was nowhere else in the world he would rather be, so I pull him further into my lap and hug him tighter. He happily obliges and cuddles further into my arms.

We sit there for a few moments in absolute silence, except for the occasional sniffle that would echo loudly in the room. I feel Noah's chest against mine as he inhales, then exhales deeply. I pull him away slightly to set him back down on his bed and he makes no move to resist. Again, we remain in total silence, just enjoying the other's company, for another couple minutes.

I missed when we would be together like this. We didn't always have to talk or do something; most times we just sat in absolute silence in each other's embrace and that was enough for both of us. It was more than enough for both of us; it was the epitome of serenity.

Noah's voice, still raspy from crying, interrupts my thoughts. "Elijah... we really need to talk." I turn my body so I'm giving him my full attention and notice the nervous look in his eyes as he does that thing with his fingers. I take his hand from under the cover to stop him from hurting himself and wrap it in mine, our fingers intertwined, as I nod and urge him to go on.

"I know you told me not to apologize, but the first thing I want to say is that I'm sorry." I open my mouth to protest, but he interrupts me before I even start speaking. "I know... I know you don't think you deserve an apology, but you do. So here goes..." He takes a deep breath before continuing.

"I apologize for coming onto you like that on Friday night. I am constantly insecure of our relationship and where we stand and I let my insecurities get the best of me that night and I acted completely out of hand. Thank you for stopping me from doing anything stupid... well, anything too stupid." He quickly looks down at his lap, before looking back up into my eyes.

"I'm not about to apologize for attempting suicide, but I apologize for not texting you, or at least leaving a note. I can't imagine how much anguish and torment you would be going through right now if I had... if I had succeeded."

"Do you want to talk more about what happened that night, or do you want to wait a little longer?" He doesn't answer and looks away from me. "That's totally fine, Noah," I assure him while squeezing his hand. "This is all still very new and if you need more time to process it yourself before sharing then I totally respect that. I'm always here if you need to let anything out, though, even if it's just bits and pieces of what happened that night." He nods slowly.