Blistering Sun II : Shame & Deception

Therapy

Jacob

I glare around the old potting shed Carlisle has turned into an office for our 'sessions'. I know no one can hear me here but I don't want to talk to anyone about....that.

I risk a glance at the vampire. Carlisle is smiling patiently at me.

I frown and look at the little toy on his desk. I can see my reflection in the steel balls.
I look away.
I don't like seeing myself, knowing I'm me.

I look back up.
Carlisle is still waiting patiently.
I hate the silence.
"What do you want me to say?" I can feel the bitter edge to my voice. I don't want to be here. Why am I here?

"Just say what you are thinking" he smiles calmly.

"I'm thinking this is bull shit! I don't need a fucking shrink. I'm not crazy." I feel the anger rising in me. I don't want to be here.

"No one is saying you are crazy, Jacob. But everyone is worried about you."

"Everyone?" I whisper scared. Bella promised she wouldn't tell anyone.

"You tried to commit suicide Jacob. Everyone knows that something is wrong."

"Bella promised!" I growl, I feel myself start to shake. But its fear not anger that's coursing through me. "Everyone knows what he did to me!"

"No, you misunderstand me, Jacob. Only you, I, Bella and Edward know of that. What I meant was that everyone else is able to see that something is wrong and they are concerned about you."

"I'm fine" I can hear the numbness in my voice. Its the closest to normal I can manage. I know I'm fooling no-one.

"You are not fine Jacob. If you were fine you would not be having the flashbacks, you would not be trying to end your life."

"What have I got left to live for?" I mumble.

"You have everything to live for! You have your pack, your friends, your imprint"

I flinch at the mention of Ness. "She's gone"

"But she will be back", he reminds me

"I'm not good enough for her". My voice is barely a whisper.

"You are Jacob. You just need to work through this. You need to tell someone what happened. It doesn't have to be me. I know doctors who.."

"No!" I don't want to talk to some stranger about this. "I can't be very honest to a human doctor can I?"

He nods and waits again.

I take a deep breath. I need to do this. I need to be okay again. "He...he did...things."

I look up. Carlisle is still sitting listening patiently

"You won't tell anyone what I say?" I double check. "Not even Bella?"

He gives me an encouraging smile. "This is a safe haven, Jacob. Nothing you say will leave this room".

"But... Edward?". He can pick every word I say out if Carlisle's mind.

"Bella is shielding me too now. She has sworn not to lift it. You are safe to tell me everything" he reassures.

Not everything. There are some thing I can never, ever tell him.
I frown at the table.
When I look up Carlisle is still watching me

"He hurt me" I whisper, unsure just how to start.

"Yes" he nods.

We sit in silence. I don't want to talk about it. If I talk about it then it really happened.
I wish there was some way I could just make it all go away, never have happened at all.