Blistering Sun II : Shame & Deception

Leave Me Alone

***
Leah

The village is abuzz with gossip after Alice danced through this morning with the good news that Bella had let her shield down long enough to find out what the problem is. Which is great. The fact that Edward refuses to tell anyone bar his wife and father is what is pissing people off.
That doesn't bother me though, much to everyone's surprise. Carlisle knows. Whatever it is, I feel like Jake is safe now. Carlisle will make sure he gets the help he needs.
Anyway, we don't need to know what happened to know it hurt him. We just have to be good friends to him now and be there for him.
I told the others as much and after a bit of grumbling they agreed. That doesn't stop them for gossiping like fisherman's wives about what it actually was that happened. We had all sat in Embry's garden and talked as the kids played.
The whole time I had been sat there I could sense Taha Aki just in the trees.
He's been there since he followed me home last night.
I have no idea how he is keeping his existence a secret from the others. For me his scent is amazingly strong but when I mentioned a funny smell to Quil he had shrugged and said he didn't smell anything.
My stomach has been churning since I woke this morning and all of yesterday came flooding back.
For one second I had allowed myself to believe that someone actually wanted me; that they, maybe, even loved me.
I'm such a fool.
He thinks I look like his ex. That's all. I was nothing more that a five century late rebound.
I am angry at him but at the same time I feel for him, loving her so much that even an eon later he is looking for her.
But then, she is his imprint.
His dead imprint. Half a millenia dead.
Maybe.....

I excuse myself from the inane chatterings before heading into the darkening forest, directly where I know he is waiting.
He bounds forward, muzzle open with his tongue hanging out as he pants happily. His long furry tail pounds from side to side in his joy.
"No" I frown. We need to talk before I choose and if he gets his hopes up that just wouldn't be fair. "Follow me," I tell him.
I turn my back to him and strip, leaving my clothes in a pile on a rock before phasing and racing off towards a section of the river the others never go.
He follows, as I knew he would, and I shift back to my normal shape once we get to the bubbling brook. He quickly follows suit.
He shuffles nervously as he watches me with those soul filled eyes.
"I have questions" I tell him and he nods.
"Why do you think I'm her.?"
He narrows his eyes in deep concentration and I realise I spoke in English again. I repeat the question as best I can.
He is silent for a moment before he opens his mouth and completely blows me away.
"Leah is mine. Together, here" his English is thick and terribly broken but he is speaking it. "Leah; Leika, two share spirit. " he concludes.
"You learned English?" I ask incredulously
He nods. " Speak, Leika now"
"How?."
"Long time sound. No voice in wolf"
I stare at him trying to make sense of it. "You mean you can't talk as a wolf? But what about when you phased?"
He frowns. "Forgotten spirit. Old. Very old."
"Yes. You're very old," I agree then pause. I know the legend of Taha Aki like the back of my hand and the man stood before me is not what I would have expected. ".. but you're not. You are young. How are you young?" Taha Aki was an old man when the third wife died. His wolf was white with age.
He looks confused.
I try again I point at him "no old"
He shakes his head. "Long time old. Long, long time" he explains
"No, I mean you don't look old" I touch his face and trail my fingertips down his brawny jaw. "Look young"
"Yes?" He lifts his hand to his face in surprise.
"Look" I turn his face to the water flowing past. There is a smooth natural pool where the water is still and our reflections stares back up at us.
His mouth drops open and I watch him run his fingers over his face as if he can not believe the reflection is his.
"Young?" He murmurs in Quillete.
He lifts his face and gives me the widest smile. "Young, same Leika"
"Leah" I correct him with a little frown.
"Leah" he mimics with a nod. "Leah is belonging Taha Aki?" He swallows with obvious nerves
"If you want me, and I mean want me. Not the memory of ....her. me. Leah."
He bites his lip but nods.
"Really?" I whisper, barely believing it. " you want me? As I am."
"Yes. Leah"
I find my own face spreading into a smile and before I can help myself I throw myself into his arms, kissing him with all my strength.
He returns it in kind and lifts me so that I am astride his lap there on the cool rock.
Oh gosh.
"Wait" I gasp.
He stops instantly
"Can we just.....cuddle?" I blush
"Taha Aki stop" he agrees and repositions me so that I am still in his arms but his member is now hard against my leg rather than trying to find entry.
I nuzzle my head into his neck and sigh with contentment . I want to pinch myself. I feel like I have fallen into a dream. I am... happy. So happy. I can't imagine feeling any happier than this moment.
"I love you" he breathes proving me wrong. I float away on cloud nine as he coos and pampers me with kisses.

***

Jacob

What am I going to do? Edward knows. He knows!
My guts are churning and twisting; my heart is pounding too fast and hard; my skin is burning, and every time I remember the look on Edwards face I feel physically sick.
I groan and hide my head back under the pillow.
I had a restless night, hiding in the covers and praying Ness's parents don't come back. I can't face them again. I can't face anyone ever again.
Why didn't I kill myself when I had the chance? I am never going to be able to look Edward in the eye again.
Oh god! He saw it. Actually saw what Caius did.
"Oooooo" I moan in shame, wishing the world would just swallow me up.
There's a gentle rap at the door and my insides turn into a block of ice. I ignore it, hoping whoever it is will just go away.
Of course they don't.
"Jake?" Bella calls as she creaks open the door.
The ice bursts into flames and I am filled with such heated anger it feels like lava in my heart. I jump out of my cocoon of duvets and pillows and nearly roar at her.
"I thought you was my friend! I thought I could trust you! How could you.....! " I swallow the thickness that has unexpectedly appeared in my throat. "How could you hurt me like that?" All my rage sinks back down, becoming the shame it truly is. "I want to die" I admit in a whisper as I feel my shoulders slump.
Next thing I know, her cold marble arms are around me. I'm sure she means to bring me comfort, but that coldness, that unique chill, only bring his flashing red eyes zooming back.
I push her away with all my might. I cling to whatever is nearest to me as memories overpower the present and my legs give way to fear.
When my mind stops spinning I see it is the desk which is holding me up. Bella has stepped back but has her hand raised slightly like she is desperate to help.
"Jake, look at yourself. Please understand why I had to. You need help. Carlisle said that it is important to talk about it, that trauma like that can have a profound effect on the psyche."
I can't believe what I'm hearing. "You told Carlisle ?!" I almost scream.
"He's a doctor, Jake. You can't shock him"
Shock him? Shock him?
In that moment I understand why she told Carlisle.
She wants me to talk to the Doc about it.
"No way" I shake my head . "You've lost your mind. I'm not going to talk about it!"
"Jacob, please" She steps forward.
"No. No!" I step back from her.
She pauses, "You must"
"You don't understand. I can't. I...." I swallow what little pride I have left. " I can't think about it. To talk about it I have to remember . I'm just not strong enough. Dying would be easier."
The silence is thick between us. I know I am hurting her saying these things but it's true. I am weak. I don't have the will left to try and fix myself. I'm too broken. Fixed beyond repair. What's the point in even trying?
"Carlisle said that he will meet you in the old potting shed. Away from everyone else. Two o'clock." She tells me.
I sit on the edge of the bed and sigh. She just doesn't understand. I can't do it.
She nods slightly and sighs. "I'll go now. Please think about it."
I shrug in response. I'm not going. I don't need a shrink. I'm not crazy. I just am weak. Even Carlisle can't fix that.
Bella hesitates at the door.
"If you won't do it for me, if you won't do it for yourself, do it for Renesmee. Be strong for Renesmee"
She leaves with that and I sit there, opens mouthed at her words.
I might not be strong enough, I might not be worth it but I can never give up.
For Renesmee I will go.
I will try.