Fading

~F o r t y - e i g h t~

Hayden POV

"You can't touch me right now" she warned, her little body tensing as if I were a threat to her. She put her hands out in front of her to stop me from coming closer, but it only broke my heart further.

I wanted to be able to comfort her but it seems like physical touch wasn't what she needed right now. I got down on my knees in front of her, making her eyes focus on me as they widened.

It's okay sweetheart, it's just me, don't be afraid.

"That's okay, but I need you to focus on me right now. I need you to come back to us so we can talk to you" I soothed, desperately wanting to hug her shaking form.

When she had begun talking, it was almost like her emotions had turned off and her body had become cold. It was honestly scary how easily she shut herself down, and it worried me that she would continue to block a wall between her and us. She shouldn't have to do that at all.

Her eyes got glossy, telling me that she really wanted to break down but was holding back. For once I was at a loss for what to do. I had never, in all my years of dealing with kids, heard such a violently traumatic history of abuse. I wasn't a therapist, so I suppose I never heard the worst of what things kids went through on their own, but this broke my heart. I wanted to make it better, tell her that it would be okay, but I couldn't. I couldn't tell her that she would have to go to counseling for years, I couldn't tell her that she may have a severe form of PTSD, I couldn't tell her that she may never get her childhood back, and I couldn't tell her that those memories will always exist somewhere in her mind. I can't fix it this time, and it hurts. It hurts so bad.

Sensing my lack of words, Hudson stepped in, thankfully voicing the words I couldn't say.

"Sweetheart, none of what you just told us changes how we feel about you. None of your past determines how much we love you, and none of it determines how we will treat you. I don't want you to think that you will be loved differently because of your past. This may take some time to work through, but we would never give up on you" he comforted.

I could tell at that moment that his words broke through her trance and changed her mindset almost immediately. Her hand shakily raised to her face as a broken cry left her mouth. The tears that had welled up in her eyes were starting to fall, and her body shook as she began to sob, all of the feelings that had been pent up now fighting desperately to get out.

"I love you" she sobbed out almost desperately, as if she needed the reassurance we would say it back. It was the first time she said she loved us.

"Sweetheart we love you too. So very much. You mean the world to us, and none of this will change that. Can I....can I hug you?" I reassured, trying to reach past the walls that have been locked up in her mind.

Nothing is scarier than admitting your feelings, and I just wanted her to be able to feel safe and loved after what she just told us.

She briefly nodded before another sharp cry left her lips, tearing our hearts apart.

"It hurts" she sobbed, grasping her chest.

"I know angel, I know. You're doing so good, but I need you to take some deep breaths for me" I reassured as I held her tightly against me. Her anxiety was getting the best of her and I could sense a panic attack coming on.

It hurt so much to watch her go through this pain.

"Honey follow my breathing, we need to calm that little heart of yours. You're safe with us and we love you so much" I continued, taking big exaggerated breaths that she could follow. I moved my hand down to her wrist to feel her pulse as she tried to follow my instructions.

"That's it, big deep breaths sweetheart. Try to focus on us okay? You are sitting in the living room with all of us, and your dad is right there with you. You are safe and we are so proud of you for sharing your past with us" Hudson interjected, trying a grounding technique.

My breathing and Hudson's words combined got her to slow her breathing and heart rate enough to be back to a reasonable level.

"You did so good sweetheart, we are so very proud of you" I soothed as she pulled away from my chest enough to look at me.

"I want it to stop" she whispered, her voice cracking.

"You want what to stop?"

"The memories" she answered, curling back up into my chest for comfort.

"Oh sweetheart, I know....I wish I could take everything that is hurting you away. But we will get through this okay? It won't hurt so much anymore" I said, desperately trying to reassure her that she will be happy, and we will get here there.

"The next steps are up to you honey. Do you want to talk about this more or do you want to leave it for tonight?" Hudson asked, giving her a choice as to what would make her feel safest.

"Can we leave it?" she asked, muffled by my shirt.

"Of course" he said gently, giving me a look in the process. It was a look that said we need to talk later.

I completely agreed with him, but I didn't want to hear him diagnose her with PTSD and have her go to therapy a couple times a week. That was an issue for another time and I know Amara agreed by the way she was already asleep on my chest. I wasn't surprised, as panic attacks are so mentally and physically draining, but I was surprised how easily she fell asleep with me.

After I took her up to bed and tucked her in, I said goodnight to the guys so I could crash myself. I had an early morning tomorrow for work and I already knew I wasn't going to be sleeping well after the news I just heard.

My only hope is that we are able to get her the help she needs and deserves.

Comments? Questions?

Love you all!