Fading

~F o r t y - s e v e n~

Major trigger warning for this chapter. Please know what you can and cannot handle. Please reach out if you need help.

Amara POV

I lied. I was scared. Nervous. Terrified. Anxious. Any of them would work right now.

The memories were swallowing my life as if it were some toy a child had accidentally thrown into the ocean. They constantly washed over me like waves trying to silence the cries of the rushing water. I didn't want to present my entire life story to them but I knew if they were to trust me and I were to put my life into their hands, they needed to know. I couldn't back down now.

I had pushed those memories so far down into my mind even I didn't know if I could pull them back up to talk about them. I had nothing but trauma weighing me down each day and absolutely nothing to do about any of it. But the boys were offering me another way out. One I didn't want to take because it hurt so much. It scared me to bring it up, and honestly, my brain struggled to form the words of how to communicate it properly.

But here I was, sitting in front of all of them about to tell them the memories that plagued my mind everyday. And I was doing it willingly. Who would've thought?

"I don't really know where to start" I admitted, preparing myself to completely detach from my emotions in order to tell this story.

"Start at what is easiest, and then you can go from there. No one wants you to feel forced" Dad soothed, giving me a weak smile. I wanted to be in his arms, but I knew that I would avoid telling them then. So I sat in a chair by myself, facing all three of them. I'll have to ask where Greyson was all day long afterwards.

"I...I need you guys to do something for me" I said hesitantly, earning eager nods in return.

"You can't say anything until I'm done. I want...no, I need to get through this, and if I stop, I won't finish" I said, shaking my head.

"Deal. Take your time and we can talk once you're done" Hudson agreed. Always the rational one.

I took a breath, trying to detach my life from reality so I could tell my story without emotion.

"So I guess I'll start from the beginning. I was an accident, my parents hadn't wanted a second daughter, they were hoping for a boy. Kimi was an exception, she was adopted to exist in my place since I wasn't the type of girl my parents had wanted" Breathe. In and out.

"I don't remember much of my childhood, which is probably for the best. The memories I have begin when I lived with my uncle. He was a trauma surgeon, worked at the local hospital. Everyone adored him, it was like he was the local hero to them. They didn't know him like I did." I took another big breath, zoning out so I could tell them what I needed to say. You can do this.

"I was shipped off to him so that I was out of my parents way but also so he could keep me in line. I had no way to contact my parents at the time but when I got older I realized it would have been pointless anyways." Keep breathing.

"The scrubs, gloves, and his tools. He never separated from them, it was the only way I ever saw him. He was never not in scrubs. I had a small room to sleep in, which consisted of a hospital bed and a nightstand that he most likely stole from the hospital he worked at. It was like living in a mental hospital. It's not like it mattered, no one knew I lived with him. I remember being so happy I wasn't with my parents anymore, I was too hopeful about the new living arrangements. I didn't have time to consider my uncle hated me too." Ignore them. Focus on your breathing.

"The first time I disobeyed him he gave me a combination of a new drug they had been testing. I don't know what it was for, but I do know that the side effects were why the drug didn't pass testing. I had nearly died that day, the vomiting was so bad. If I wasn't hooked up to all sorts of other drugs that kept me alive, I would have. I was in a drug induced daze for about a week before I was fine again. I only have flashbacks of that week, some where I was paralyzed, others where I was fully conscious and pulling at my restraints" In and out. Ignore everything else.

"He had never hit me. He was too much of a coward to hit a little girl. Instead he taunted me with needles, paralyzed me with drugs, and practiced surgeries on me without anesthesia." I said with spite. Don't think. Just keep talking. Don't stop, breathe.

"When I was finally returned to my parents two years later, I was such an anxiety riddled mess that no one was able to come near me without causing panic attacks or flashbacks. It took me another two years before I could let people touch me. My parents didn't give a shit. They were happy I was finally quiet." Breathe out. Breathe in.

"I was fourteen when I finally was able to go back to school like a regular child. They enrolled me in sports to keep me out of the house and to make me look like a normal human being. It ended up being an escape of sorts. Everything died down a bit as I got older, something about it being easier for me to tell someone or for someone to notice. They played off my panic attacks as regular teenage anxiety and told everyone I was getting help. Life had been somewhat normal until you all came along" I finished, breathing steadily so I could stay conscious. My eyes were still on my socked feet.

I hated thinking about my past, but talking about it was way worse. I had still been withdrawn from my own mind when I finished my story, and I didn't bother to look to see their reactions. I didn't know if I could handle it.

"Amara sweetheart?" Someone called out hesitantly. I didn't look up. I couldn't.

"Can you come back to us sweetheart? We need to see your eyes" Someone else said. A different voice this time.

I didn't realize the position I had unconsciously put myself in. My knees were to my chest and my arms were safely tucked in-between my body and my knees. A source of familiarity and safety I guess.

I looked to my dad first. Tears were streaming down his face and sympathy was the only emotion I could detect. Hudson was next. He looked sad, but his fists were clenched hard. I could tell he was trying to hide it for my sake. Greyson was last. His eyes were rimmed with tears and he looked like he wanted to punch something hard.

My dad stood first.

My eyes widened, and panic hit. "You can't touch me right now."

This has been a long time coming, and it took a lot of drafts to get it to this. I hope it was worth it.

Love you all!