Fading

~F o r t y - s i x~

Amara POV

I didn't know what to say. What did he want me to say? Of course I knew what my anxiety did to me, but that doesn't mean I have an off switch.

"It's not like it can be fixed immediately just by talking to you. What do you want me to say?" I asked bluntly, still slightly irritated. I don't need to be fixed.

He gave me a weak smile. "I'm not trying to fix you, sweetheart, nothing about you needs to be fixed in any way. But I understand what you're saying, and no, they won't just go away, that's something that will take time" He paused, taking a deep breath. "You've been in an emotionally abusive household for a long time, these thoughts that are running through your head are from years of hearing it first." He paused, glancing at me again. Honestly what does he want from me?

"Oftentimes, when kids hear those types of things from their parents, their first teachers, those thoughts stick, and they stick for a long time. The intrusive thoughts that pop up when you're scared are defensive reactions that you've learned in order to protect yourself from your parents. I'm not saying it's something that can be fixed, or reversed, but it can be something that gets replaced with new thoughts" he continued.

"We don't want to hurt you more Amara. What happened with me will never happen again, as I promised you when we talked earlier. You can talk to me or you can talk to Hayden, but I really think it would be best for you to start talking to one of us about what goes through your head each day. We don't want you scared or anxious, and I know you don't want to be either" He finished.

I hated being lectured because it always felt as if I had no voice but for the first time in a long time, Hudson isn't making me feel like that. Oddly enough, it feels like I could ask him for help if I desperately needed some.

"I don't know how to start..." I trailed off, waiting for him to take the lead. Somehow a lot of what he says puts things into perspective.

"That's okay, how about we talk about what happened when you saw Hayden in his scrubs?" he said, making me tense up immediately. I didn't want to talk about that. They can't know. They will hate you.

"I...I told you before, I just don't like doctors" I said defensively. Why did he have to start with such a hard topic?

"We understand that, but maybe if we knew the reason why, we might be able to help you. It seems to me like there is a deeper reason as to why you don't like our profession. However, if it is something you don't want to talk about now, then we can skip it" he said, making me want to cry for no reason. No one ever gave me the choice. Why is it getting hard to breathe?

Hudson gently held my shoulders and moved me to a park bench where I could sit down. "Breathe in slowly Amara, then let it out slowly, you're safe, it's going to be okay. We don't have to talk today if that's what you would prefer."

"I can't tell you" I settled with after I had taken a few breaths.

"Okay. You can't tell me because you don't want to, or were you told not to?" He asked, weaving right in between my excuse, drilling into my head and hitting my memories.

"Both" I muttered quickly, keeping my eyes anywhere but his.

"Who told you that you can't tell anyone?" He was asking the right questions and it scattered my thoughts all over the place. Why can't he just accept I can't tell him?

I felt the warm tears slide down my cheeks as my thoughts fell apart and tore into pieces. I wanted my dad, I wanted his comfort. I don't want to be scared anymore.

"Oh sweetheart, it's okay, I promise you that you are perfectly safe with me, I won't let anyone hurt you" I just wanted someone's comfort. I wanted Hudson's promises. I wanted his words that made perfect sense to me. I needed Hudson, whether I liked it or not.

"I'm scared" I whispered, letting out a sob that was building in the back of my throat.

"Amara can I hug you?" he asked gently, making me nod immediately.

He pulled me into his chest and held me tight, wiping my tears every once in a while.

"You're okay sweet girl, no one will be able to hurt you anymore. Not while you are with us. You don't have to be scared as long as we are alive, okay? I know you don't want to tell me about it, and that's okay, but we can help you not be so scared anymore" he reassured, making me sob harder into his chest. His stupid perfect words and his stupid perfect promises.

I wanted to tell him. And that thought scared me most.

How was I supposed to tell him? How was I supposed to bring up the part of my life that I had drowned in the back of my mind so it wouldn't ever come out again? I left it there for a reason.

I tried to gain control of my breathing so that I could talk to Hudson.

"That's it sweetheart, just slow that breathing of yours. You'll be okay"

Once my crying was reduced to hiccups, I sat up, pulling away from his chest but still keeping close enough so that he could comfort me.

"I...I want to tell all of you" I stated, watching as his eyes softened. I want to be okay again.

"That's great sweetheart, I'm so proud of you for being willing to tell us, but you don't need to do this. If the memories are too much, you don't have to tell us anything. But we will listen to anything you do tell us, as long as it would help you by getting it off of your chest. Please don't do this if you think it's for our benefit" he reassured, making me want to cry all over again. God I was never this emotional.

"I need to" I stated, wiping the last of my tears away and pushing back the lump in the back of my throat.

"Okay sweetheart. Let's go home then. Just remember we love you okay?" He said with a gentle smile.

Love.

They loved me.

And I loved them.

A smile placed itself on my face as we walked back to the car to go home. I wasn't scared, they'll love me no matter what.

My heart was heavy as I wrote this chapter. The next chapter will be some pretty heavy stuff so just prepare yourselves for her story.

Love you all!!