Teach Me How To Love

Part 23 ~ Numb

"Carolina . . . I could never cheat on Destiny . . I worked too hard to get where we are today. . we may not have reached the mountain peak of our relationship yet, but cheating on her is not the way I wanna do it . . . I much rather leave it the way it is"

"I understand you Michael . . I know you like that girl but think about yourself for a change . . look at yourself . . you're frustrated . . she doesn't let you come near her . . what kind of relationship is that?"

"I don't know . . . but you're right . . I'm not really happy with the way things are but that's just how it is . . you know? . . sometimes things don't go your way and you have to accept that . . ."

"Sweetie . . . . you deserve better than someone who rejects you in bed, just saying . . there a tons of women out there who would let you go down on them on the first night . . . or maybe not the first night but you get what I'm saying . . . . I have no idea what's going on with her . . . maybe she's cheating on you . . . ever thought about that?"

"Destiny cheating on me?"

"Yea . . . is she out a lot? . . you know, going out without you? . . . ."

"No. . . I don't think she's cheating on me . . . Destiny loves me . . ."

"I'm- I'm sorry . . . . I didn't mean to make you feel even worse . . forget what I said . . things will get better and I'm sure she will come around . . . just hang in there, alright?"

"Yea . . I will . . .thanks for listening. . ."

"You're welcome . . . I think we need to get going now . . class is starting again"

"Yea :) . . . let's get back to work"
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~ Destiny's point of view ~

It's 8:30pm . . . I'm home alone watching TV . . Michael is still not back from work. What's taking him so long? . . he usually comes home around 5 . . . I hope he's alright. He's not returning my phonecalls and he's not replying to my text messages either . . . is he mad at me? . . he probably is. . . . I don't mean to reject him when it comes to sex . . . . but it's just that I have this awful fear of losing him. My past relationships ended shortly after I first had sex with them. . . . . .I don't want the same thing to happen with Michael. I want to be sure that he's in love with me before let him have all of me . . . . even though he tells me he loves me, there's still something that's holding me back . . . . .

Michael is wonderful and I love him to the moon and back . . . I really do . . . having sex with him sounds so beautiful to me and it's all I want but . . . . I'm scared . . . . I'm a mess . . . I'm an emotional mess, afraid of getting hurt. Why am I always so afraid of everything? . . Why can't I just let him make love to me? . . . why can't I just let myself go and let him have me? . . what's keeping me from having sex with him? . . . I wish I knew.

I pull the curtains aside and look out to the driveway . . his car is still gone . . . where the heck is he? I'm about to start worrying for real. . . . I don't know why Denise's face is popping into my mind again . . . oh please . . . don't let her be the reason why Michael isn't home yet . . . . she's the last thing I need in my life right now . . . the very last.

It's 10:30pm . . . Michael is STILL not home. I'm alone here in the bedroom, looking at a magazine. I'm sick of trying to call him . . why isn't he returning my phonecalls? I have an early shift tomorrow, I would like to fall asleep next to him and WITH him . . . I haven't seen him since this morning before he left for work . . . . I take a quick shower and decide to go to bed without Michael after all. He will come home eventually. I look around in his bedroom and feel my heart melting. I'm so lucky . . . I have such a wonderful life with this guy . . . . Michael is everything I ever dreamed of . . . but WHY is this so hard for me to believe? . . why do I feel like something's not right about this? . . . something about all this seems so unreal . . . still. Even after 4 months . . . . . I still have a little fear in my heart . . . afraid of getting hurt. I wish I could fully open up to him and love him the way he deserves to . . . . .