dead to me| 2- s. r

TWENTY-SIX

After leaving Spencer's hospital room, you made your way back to the elevator and to the waiting room where everyone else was gathered, approaching everyone with your hands in your pockets.

"I'm gonna head home, but keep me posted on everything, alright?"

"Don't you want to see him?"

You shake your head slowly, "I'll come and see him another time. I think I just need to be alone for a while," you answer. You walk back over to the elevator, spotting Wyatt as you go, waving back slowly as you approach the elevator, waiting patiently for it to get to your floor. Thankfully, you'd already gotten your purse that someone had brought you, with your phone and wallet so you can get home.

Instead of paying for a cab, you opt to walk home to give yourself some fresh air and time to think. You feel guilty about your abrupt departure from Spencer's room, wishing that you stayed to explain your reasoning for it all much better than simply running away. But truth be told, you're not even sure that you have a good reason for leaving other than the fact that you're just simply scared. You've trusted Spencer multiple times previously, only to be let down each time, and you're scared that this time is no different.

You want to believe that he's changed, that maybe it wasn't time for you both four years ago, that maybe now would be different because you spent four years apart. After all, they say that distance makes the heart go fonder, so maybe there's hope that it applies to you and Spencer. You haven't realized how much you've missed him, and now that you've started, you're not sure if you'll ever be able to get it to stop.

However, if Spencer puts you through yet another heartbreak, you aren't sure you'll be able to handle it again. Most people would have told him to fuck off after the second chance, and you gave him four chances, only for him to burn every bridge with you.

On one hand, he seems to have shown great change and maturity, truly having realized his faults. But then again, you've believed that previously and it always bit you in the ass, so maybe your judgement was simply clouded because Spencer has ruined you, and you'll never want anyone else, even if he continually hurts you. There is always going to be a force that will draw you to him, that will never allow you to truly move on.

At some point during your journey, you've started to tear up, your vision of people passing you on the sidewalk becoming clouded as you sniffle, wiping your nose with the back of your hand and hugging your arms to yourself as you continue walking. Thankfully it's not too cold outside, otherwise, you would have been freezing your ass off with the clothes you're wearing.

You can hear your phone ringing in your pocket and choose to ignore it, focusing solely on everything around you, inhaling deep breaths of fresh air and trying to clear your head. The last twenty-four hours somehow feel like a complete and total blur, but you also remember them clear as day, and you don't think you'll ever forget. On top of your guilt regarding Spencer, you've also started to feel the guilt bubbling about Nathanial.

He was a cold-blooded murderer, and you killed him, so surely that makes you no better than him for stooping down to his level. For the last four years, you've tried to wrap your head around what you could have possibly done to send Nathanial into a spiral that led to the murder of multiple women, yourself and Spencer almost added to his list.

He might have been a murderer, but he was also your best friend at one point, your rock and confidant. He's done horrible things and you will never forgive yourself, but you can't help but wonder if that part of him you miss so dearly was still inside him, or if it was gone, now replaced with the complete darkness within himself. 

You've had to shoot unsubs with work before, but never in this context. You had Nathanial injured on the ground, he was no longer a threat to you nor Spencer, and you had enough time to get out safely and still arrest him. But you didn't, because you killed him in cold blood. Deep down, you know he deserved it, and there is a certain weight lifted from your shoulders knowing that you can finally be free of him, but the guilt of still killing a man, even though he wasn't innocent, has started to take its toll on you.