Like Mother Like Daughter

Chapter 5

"Was it hard for you? You know...giving me up?" I asked. Amelia sat down on the steps next to me and handed me a glass of lemonade.

"Of course, I loved you, you were me," she replied.

"Do you regret it?" I asked.

"Yes, than no, than so much more. It was terrible...what I did to you," she replied.

"What was it like? Losing me?" I asked.

"It felt like a broken promise; like the king fisher's wound, never heals," she replied.

"Wow, you are definitely my mom," I said.

"I've missed so much in my life, your life. I had the chance to change my life around and I let it be ripped from me. But I promised myself, and you, that I would be a better person and turn my life around. And I kept that promise for the last seventeen years," she replied. I stayed silent.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"Confused, stressed, happy, sad...mixed emotions pretty much," I replied.

"I don't blame you. Are you mad?" she asked.

"I've been pissed off for a day and a half at my parents for lying to me, now I'm just...neutral," I replied.

"I don't blame you, I went into a deep depression for a couple months after you were gone," she said. I stayed silent again.

"When you were born, they cleaned you and they lay you on my pillow next to me. You were wrapped in pink blankets and had a little hat on your tiny head. You opened your little eyes and you looked at me for the first time. You smiled your very first smile. You looked so much like me, you were me. You the most extraordinary thing I've ever seen in my life. And I let them take you...no matter how hard I tried to keep you. I was even considering moving out of the country with you," she replied. I let out a small chuckle.

"I went to the court for parenting rights. They gave me a home-stay and said it was not the appropriate place for a child to be living," she explained.

"You may need to go a bit more into detail," I said.

"I was a complete mess before your father came to me with the surrogate offer. I drank, smoked, I slept with a different guy every weekend; I was close to having a tattoo. When I got pregnant with you I knew my behavior was wrong for a developing child. So I stopped the attitude...stopped drinking and smoking, and I found as those nine months progressed, not only were you growing to be strong and healthy, I was growing and being strong. I was so proud of myself at the end. But they still deemed me irresponsible and unqualified for childcare. It broke my heart. After the trial I sat down on these steps and balled my eyes out. I was mad at myself at what I did to you, and I was sad that I didn't try harder. I tried to get the visitation rights from your parents but your dad wasn't comfortable with it...your mom despised me. I kept my promise for the last seventeen years; I got my life together, held a job as a teacher, I became more motherly and gracious. Looking at you now, you're everything I ever wanted to be. You're an incredible, talented young woman who's almost finished high school. You're beautiful Courtney...you're me," she said. I sniffled.