Burning desire

Steven|16

"Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck; some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off"
- some nights
(Fun)

After our long conversation, Mack ended up falling asleep on the car, which gave me a lot of spare time to think about what just happened until we got to NYC. She forgave me, even though I didn't deserve it, but wants nothing to do with me anymore.

Well, we've got to change that, because I want everything to do with her. And I damn well Will do anything I can to prove her we can still work.

When I drop Mackenzie off her building, the sun is already rising and I drive straight to my hotel because I need sleep after spending the whole night awake, but as usual, sleep doesn't come easy and I gather my guitar before starting to write,

"So you're not my girlfriend
Don't pretend that makes us nothing
Tell me you don't miss this feeling
I'm starting to see who you are"

I'm obviously going to write about Mackenzie, about us. God how could I have fucked up so bad? What was in my head? How couldn't I have seen that by doing what I did I just hurt her more?

"'Cause there's a time, there's a place
And I'm always gonna hear your name
There's a right, there's a wrong
And now I see that all along
I messed up, you'll be fine
I'm going to sleep alone tonight
Never gonna be the same, 'cause you're half the world away"

The first months of tour were the hardest, everything that happened with us was still too fresh in my head. She was still too fresh in my head. I would see her face in the people down on the crowd and after the concerts were over, I'd just drink my thoughts away, cry a little and write more songs. Eventually the groupies showed up and I found in them another escape. It was all messed up.

Fame is messed up, and I never came back to being who I was. Sure, the boys were there, my best friends. But it gets into a point where you're being so controlled by the people in power that eventually you don't recognize your own friends or yourself for that matter.

The last three months of tour were the worst. We stopped being brothers and became work friends, only seeing each other when necessary and that was fucked up.

Reconnecting to Lisa and Mack however, lit something up inside us, it's like they pushed a button bringing us back to ourselves, back to reality and I'm more than thankful for that, I feel closer to my bandmates than I've felt in a long time.

I still wonder if I did the right thing though. I mean, my dream came true, but is it worth it? All the pain and hurt that comes with it?

Seeing Mack in all her glory made me realize that she was the reason I felt so depressed, because she was the woman with who I wanted to share this dream. And I was so selfish and egocentric that I pushed her away in order to fulfill this alone. Stupid bastard.

But now I have a chance to fix this and I can't let that slip from me. Gosh, all this thinking makes me nervous. I take hold of my cigarette package I light one up. Also should probably stop smoking, but that's thinking for another time. I settle for taking off my clothes and laying in bed, eventually I drift to sleep.

                                    ***
"What do you want now? I'm leaving my last class and can't wait to find my bed, you know that thing you deprived me of last night", Mackenzie's voice fill my ears from the cellphone. I swallow down before answering, ignoring her comment about wanting to sleep,  "I need your help", she takes in the tone of nervousness in my voice, and replies worried, "what the fuck did you do?" It's stupid actually, and only an idiot with two braincells like me would do that.