Burning desire

Steven|04

"Actually, that's your specialty. Looks like I learned enough from you after all," Mack says, still not looking at me. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I can't help the proud feeling that washes over me because she is still the one person who can see me coming in a room without even a look back. It fuels enough of my ego to continue this conversation.

"Yeah, still not over me, I can see." When the words leave my mouth I instantly regret them. But this is who I turned out to be, an asshole who hurts people so he can't get hurt, when in reality I suffer everyday for losing her.

"Still an ass, I can see." She finally turns around, and it's like the air has been knocked out of me, because, God, she is here, after all this time. It's really her. And even though I already noticed her changes from stage, it's different seeing her here, in flesh, looking at me with those stubborn eyes and long light brown hair I loved to hold with my hands. She flashes a sequin smile at my way, that makes my heart stop. I can't be here right now, I need to leave. Calling her backstage was a mistake. But now it's done, and I have a feeling this thing is just beginning.

"I've always been an ass and always will be, so what are you doing here? Missed me?" I say with an effort to sound like I'm hating seeing her in front of me, flashing a grin. An annoyed look flashes through her features and I can see she is enjoying our banter.

"You wish I did, right? A silver lining from your past life who would still make you feel like you're worth anything, cause from what I can see it's just drugs and alcohol and models and attacking paparazzi, right?" She acts so nonchalant that it makes me uncomfortable. Mackenzie hit a hard spot here. And, unfortunately, seeing this new me under her perspective has made uneasy. She was always the one I would come to for approval, she has always been my Achilles heel.

I look back into her eyes, acting like that didn't hurt and just snap at her, "yeah, you are right, I am a rock star after all. Gonna take advantage of my perks. Sorry to break it to you, baby girl, but I don't need you as my vice anymore. Got plenty of girls crawling at my feet."

I see a flash of hurt pass through her eyes before she covers it with indifference. Great, now she won't bring her hopes up about us. I can't afford to have her near me. Not now. Not after all I've done.

"You really think I'm a fool, don't you?" I didn't. "I will be damned if I ever come back to you, Steven. Go live your rockstar dream. Why do I care? Honestly, this is exhausting. Tell the girls I'm waiting in the parking lot." She turns around not even waiting for as much as an answer. I watch her curvy body swinging through the corridor and in that moment my eye catches the barely visible tattoo on her lower back. Surprise glimpses through me. She still has the tattoo.

A gentle, barely perceptible ivy branch, with a date on top of it. I pass my hands through my forearm without even noticing, where my own ivy branch is tattooed, her lucky number inside it and the small date in the same place of hers. Yes, she's still an ivy that covers me. I am screwed.

"Yo bro, ready to go? We are late for the after party." I feel Misha's tattooed arms grab my back and try to hide how I really feel. Flashing a grin and putting up my nonchalant mask, I look back at him.

"I am waiting for 10 minutes already. Ready to get buzzed tonight. Will there be hot chicks?" See? asshole rock god looks amazing on me. I am an aggressive drunk man-whore to the world and they love it. Easier like that.

Misha smiles at me, excitement flashing in his eyes, "bro, it's NYC, we are having the time of our lives tonight. It's the last night of tour anyway. Let's get in trouble."

Misha, always the inconsequent, but a great friend with a big heart. I clasp the pack of cigarettes on the front pocket of my jeans, lighting one and putting on the side of my mouth while I stroll after the rest of my bandmates who, I am sure, are really occupied by Mack's friends.

"No way, you didn't!" I hear the sound of laughter before I get inside the room. Luke and Jordan are having the time of their lives together and I see my drummer giving one of his sticks to her. I swear to god I think this girl will faint. Across the room, I catch Lisa's long blonde hair while she shakes her head at Dane. They had a thing those two, but I really don't know where they stand now. It stings, even now, thinking about how we all used to be inseparable and nowadays I barely know details about their lives.

For the look on the girl's face they are disagreeing about something. She catches my eyes over the guitarist's shoulder and flashes me a murderous glance that brings chills to my spine. Same old Lisa protecting her best friend.

She punched me once. I don't think I want a round two, so I lift my hands in surrender. "Hey, I come in peace, old friend. Won't you give me a hug? It's been a year." She scowls at me but hugs me nonetheless, "you deserve a punch and you know it. Don't come close to Mack, don't talk to her and don't as much as look at her, got it? She deserves better than you." I swallow, my throat now dry.

Yeah, I know she does, but this is how we are. Destructive to each other but impossible to stay away. "Whatever Mack does is her concern only, Lisa. Cut the crap. We are late for the party, come on. Time for you to leave, blondie."

She gives me the middle finger, and goes after Jordan, "come on, time to leave, groupie, you heard the asshole here."

"Why hadn't you guys ever told me you were old friends with the band? Traitors you and Mack." The brunette woman looks at her with annoyance, to what Lisa answers, "we'll talk at home, come on Jordan. Mack's waiting."

Ah, forgot to tell her.  "Hey, blondie, cheesie asked me to tell you guys she's waiting in the car," I say in a convinced way, seeing her eyes hold mine, anger burns through them because I already broke her rule. I silently laugh at that.

"Come on, Jordan. Dane, talk to you later." My guitarist silently nods before turning around to pack his stuff. And when I think this nightmare of night is finally over, Luke yells in his thick British accent, "Hey, why don't you girls come to the after party? You are old friends and need to initiate me and Jordan into the group." No, our drummer didn't now about all the drama that went down a few years back.

"YES, let's go! I am up for it, come on, we only live once." That's Jordan's response. Dane silently chuckles, Lisa's eyes go wide and I feel trapped in the ground, my heart racing fast. We are all fucked up now.