Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 39: heartbreaks and promises

PART 2 OF THE DOUBLE UPDATE!

I don't know how I'm going to survive this... the question if I will, is still in the air.

My heart has never felt so broken, my throat has never ached so much from a knot constantly there, my cheeks have never been this tired from upholding a smile.

As soon as the lies spilled out of my mouth, I was ready to leave and cry until my throat ran dry. I felt so guilty, hiding everything away, pushing things back. It hurt so much to do so.

Ethan knew as soon as I said those things, that inside I wasn't okay, his hand crept up my leg, holding onto my thigh, and never left its place there as we finished dinner together.

No one could tell; I masked my true feelings like I have been doing since I first arrived here in early September – I had become a master at it; wiping my tears in one room, stepping out and shinning in the next.

Only now, my heart is aching, my tears are at bay, but I can hardly uphold the smile I have on my face like I used to be able to.

"Hey, you okay?" Ethan whispers, my hands stilling momentarily before I'm washing the plate again.

"Yeah, I'm good, why?" I force a smile.

"Francesca, don't lie, not to me." His voice softens, his body coming in closer to me.

"I'm fine." I say, turning my attention to the oh-so entertaining sink where I'm washing up.

"Let's take a walk, just you and me?" He suggests, and I'm frowning at the dirty dishes. "They can wait, you need some air. Come on."

"What about everyone?" I ask, sighing as I look up, only to see that everyone's laid about, doing nothing except Hanna who is back to sleep. Ethan turns to me, his eyebrows raised. "Okay, let's go."

"Guys, we're going out for a bit, won't be too long!" Ethan raises his voice, letting them all know.

"You better not, lovebirds, I want to play a game of charades." Lauren replies, and I smile at her attempt to get us all together. She seems to be the only one in the mood for anything which isn't surprising considering she came home yesterday morning.

I dry my hands off on the dishtowel before walking towards Ethan, and he passes me my coat which is really his from the hook on the back of the door, and we put them on before we leave. His hand is nicely slot in mine as we brace the stairs slowly, me catching the air that I've so desperately needed.

"Where are we going?" I whisper.

"Just around campus, like old times?" He suggests with a smile, the wave of familiarity hitting me. Every Monday, after class, we would simply walk around campus with a coffee, then stopping at a bench near a massive tree.

To do this, walk around campus like old times as he said, was simply peaceful. There's no hiding with him anymore, I'm simply free and going back from this into a cage after two weeks is cruel, it's torturing me.

I don't appreciate how beautiful this campus is, I really don't, not until I'm purposely looking like I am right now, walking to that familiar bench.

"Francesca?" He grabs my attention, and I look up at him, my brief smile dropping as I take in his facial expression – troubled and confused.

"What's wrong?" I whisper, stopping in my tracks, cupping his jaw.

"No, please." He says, my heart dropping as his guard raises. "I'm okay, I just want to talk with you."

"Ethan, what-" I'm the one to look confused and trouble because that's exactly how I'm feeling.

"Francesca, I'm so proud of you; you have to know that. I'm so proud of you, for everything you've gone through, but..." He sighs, looking around as he begins to walk again, and I just wish he would stop walking away from me. "Baby, you need help... and I can't be the one to do it."