Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 34: the aftermath

Trigger warnings: suicidal thoughts, self-harm and drug references. If you will be triggered by any of those, even if you're not totally sure, please do not risk it for my shitty writing. I love you all, stay safe!

Francesca's POV:

I needed a distraction.

Something to stop my mind from racing. Anything, just for it all to stop.

The panic got the best of me, it overruled my actions.

I didn't care for the consequences. I didn't care about anything in the moment; when I went into my bedside table drawer and got those drugs I've tried so hard to stay away from. I was too selfish to think of anyone but myself – on trying to get these thoughts to stop; to get his voice out of my head. The voice that I spent hours on end drowning out with music.

The incident, that stupid night was all my fault – he had no shame in blaming me for it either.

I've not pushed away what happened truly, I know what happened, I get reminded of it every single night. Every time I'm alone, I am reminded of it.

But I've not let myself grieve; I didn't get the chance to. I was so numb; in denial because I never even got to say goodbye. Until now, I've not thought about her, not truly anyway, I've talked and acted like she's still at home, happily. I took all that away, I left my dad without a fiancée, my sister without a mother.

And it was all my fault why she's not here today. That's what ran through my mind; taunts, faded memories and I needed them to stop. And I did it with the only way I know how, with the drugs.

It was a full hour until I caved to them, until I finally hit breaking point. I drove around the silent roads, the snow and night sky captivating me. It was dangerous to be on the road, I know that, but the music was somewhat helping for a while. But, it wasn't enough.

I was no longer in control – my mind just spiraled so far that I don't fully know how I even got back into the dorm. I was confused, broken and in total panic. Originally, I was going to shower, try and wash the memories away which is why I was near naked when Ethan found me.

But, in the next moment, I had my back up against the bath, the razor blade in hand, and as awful as it is, I harmed myself to get the control back, to bring me back to reality.

It didn't work; I was numb to it. Totally and utterly numb. I just wanted it to end, the pain, everything. Regret filled me – I thought it would help, it would distract and help me without having rely on narcotics, but I was so wrong; it wasn't working. That's when I took the pills – I don't know how many, but again, regret filled me when I realized exactly what I had done, and so I rang Ethan.

I needed a distraction from further panic. I needed him.

And so, he did, he came, he's here, he's helping me. I don't deserve it, but yet he's still here.

"Ethan, I'm so sorry." I whisper, my voice raw and painful from the acid that had come up with the sick.

"Stop apologizing to me, we're going to get you into some clothes and in bed. I'm going to get you some water, we're going to have food, and you're going to be fine. You hear me?" He's being too kind; I don't deserve this. Not after everything I've done.

With the drugs that I stupidly did take, they have briefly affected me and with the empty feeling in my stomach from throwing said drugs up, the sound of food makes me yearn. I want a pizza.

"Can we order pizza?" I ask, his mouth turning into a slight smile.

"Yeah, of course." He responds, as he tapes up the last part of my thighs. "Do these feel okay, not too tight?"