Trepidation [Book 1]

Chapter 02: music is body consuming

Stepping out of the shower, I grab the towel and wrap it around my body before flicking the bathroom light on, illuminating the room.

Looking in the mirror, I lift the towel further up my chest as I stare at my reflection, seeing shadows of the things I want to forget. I bring my hand up to my puffy cheeks, closing my bloodshot eyes, and letting out a sigh.

"I'm okay," I tell myself, "I'll be okay."

I bend down and wet my face in the sink, trying to hide the evidence of my breakdown moments prior before I unlock the door and tiptoe across the hall to Matt and I's room.

We're going to a party tonight; first night back and I'm already going out, so here I am getting ready. As soon as Hanna brought up the idea, I had in mind what I was going to wear; a baby blue dress that ends mid-thigh and hugs my curves in a way that makes me feel confident for once.

I have a lot of reasons to be insecure; my body isn't the beauty standard. Thick thighs, small tits, and big hips. But in this dress, I like how I look. I feel confident, a rare occasion.

Instead of heels, I push my foot into my Converse, choosing comfort over anything else. I slip on my black denim jacket that is like my safety blanket before grabbing my car keys from the bowl on the side.

"You're driving?" Lauren asks, shock evident in her tone. Usually, we just walk everywhere because alcohol and drugs are always involved when it comes to parties around me.

"Yeah, I'll pick it up when I'm on my morning run, tomorrow."

Matt raises his brows, "I don't believe you'll be awake before noon, missy. But you go with it."

Matt is right; sleep is my best friend. Well, it was. Now, not so much.

Driving is so calming to me. If I'm stressed, I drive. If I'm anxious, I drive. If I want to cry, I drive... and cry. I love being behind the wheel because even if your whole world is crashing down, you're still in control of one thing.

"You need a new car," Lauren kicks her legs up on Hanna's lap, who is laid out in the back seat. "And why is Matt in the front?"

"Okay, if you disrespect my car, you can get out and walk. And Matt is too tall to be in the back," I sigh.

"True," he mumbles.

The strong smell of marijuana hits my nostrils first, and then the smoke clouds around us. I slowly turn in my seat, to find Hanna with a joint between her lips. "At least open a window please."

Hanna balances the joint between her lips and rolls down the window. "Do you want a hit; you seem stressed and look like you need it?"

"Leave me the end for when we get there."

She's right, I need to chill out. Since arriving here, I haven't really relaxed or sat down. I've simply been occupying myself.

∞

The place where the party is being held isn't too far away, in fact we could have easily walked, but I'm a lazy bitch and I didn't particularly want to. I was too tired from today.

I pull up, parking on the curb. Amusement fills me when I notice the lawn is littered with red cups and beer bottles. The boys are going to have a lot of work tomorrow.

"Okay, pass me," I snap my fingers. Hanna chuckles, leaning and passing me the joint that still has a few good hits left.

Lauren pokes her head from the middle console, and I stifle a laugh. "So, why are you stressed?" she asks.