At The Edge Of The Ocean

20. What Are You Doing?

"Time of death - 15.44."

Another patient, another failure. Meredith exited the operating room throwing her surgical gloves to the bin with annoyance; a mixture of anger, impatience and guilt boiling inside her. She snorted at the memory of her excitement before the first trial procedure. The majesty of saving lives... it was now sinking fast, pulled down by the weight of her patient's blood on her fingers. She could clearly feel it, even after discarding the protective layer of latex from her hands.

Meredith soaped her skin vigorously, praying for the physical activity to push every torturing thought from her brain. It seemed that recently, nothing in her life could go right; there was nothing that went the way she wanted. The control over her own existence was slipping through her fingers.

And the overwhelming guilt... it had become her second name. Guilt towards the families of her patients for taking away the precious time they could yet spend together. Guilt towards her daughter she was letting down so miserably. Guilt towards Derek... She never intended her life to turn into a massive melodrama in which she was both a tragic heroine and deceitful villain. There she was, though.

Meeting Bailey in the park the other day shook her more than she admitted to herself. For sure, Miranda was trustworthy but the way the events turned was all wrong. No one was supposed to know before Derek. He had a screaming right to be the first to learn the truth.

Meredith strode the corridors thinking what her daughter could be possibly doing at the time. Breaking the routine they recently established, she left Bessie at home with a babysitter. The flu epidemic was in the full swing and her little angel had probably managed to catch the virus in the nursery. She was unusually cranky in the morning. Meredith hoped that the vaccination that Bessie had had the previous month would take effect and make the illness less severe.

Meredith was so involved in her worries that she didn't notice Susan on her way and therefore didn't have time to turn tail.

"Meredith!" exclaimed Susan. "Just the person I was looking for!"

"Oh?" Meredith didn't even try to hide the lack of enthusiasm in her voice. She was devoid of energy to put an act.

"Molly's getting discharged!" explained Susan joyously. "We're taking her home this afternoon."

"That's great," replied Meredith politely. "Now, if you excuse me-" She wanted to step around her stepmother but the other woman gently put her hands on Meredith's forearms.

"Meredith," she pleaded. "I've been thinking about organizing a dinner to celebrate the fact that Molly's good and to thank you for everything you did for her."

"Seriously, we've been over this," said Meredith impatiently. "I... Molly was just my patient. I did everything I could do to help my patient and no offence, Susan, but you're not-"

"I know! I know what you want to say," Susan cut her halfway through her sentence. "We're not your family. But we could be. Meredith, you have friends, you have Derek but... Thatcher's your blood and my girls, too."

"Yeah, Thatcher's my father. Then why are you her and not him?" She snapped at her stepmother. "I-"

She was interrupted by the beeping of her pager.

"I've gotta go," She left Susan behind her without further explanation. Saved by the pager but... Meredith frowned her forehead taking a look at her at the small device. 911... in her office?

"I want mommy!"

Derek's attempts at catching up with the department's paperwork were thwarted by insistent cries coming form the outside of his office. He heard a muffled feminine voice trying to soothe the anguished child.