Solely Mine

A Difficult Choice to Make

(Five weeks later)

"Your sickness has gone really far to stop now.Your heart is weak really weak and it's spreading to other organs of your body and we can't stop it now".

"Will my baby be fine,it won't transfer would it?".

"You have malignant heart tumor,it would definitely spread but you are lucky it hasn't yet,we won't start treatment now since you are still inYour first month but Your child will be fine but I suggest you terminate the pregnancy,it's for the best".

"But why?".

"If you decide on giving birth to this baby then your chances of dying will be higher.It will be too hard for your heart to take and believe me when I say it will hard for you to live after you give birth to the baby".

"How many years do I have left?".

"Not years,five years at least".

"Oh that soon and you are saying if I have the baby then I might die earlier?".

"Listen I suggest you abort the baby then you might live longer but if you don't want to that's fine but as long as the baby continue growing inside of you,it won't be good because the moment you have the baby your life is at stake".

The doctor's word kept ringing in my ears.This is such a difficult choice to make,I don't want to abort the baby neither do I also want to die.I really want to be a mother.What to do?.I didn't tell Ben and Amanda about it,they will advise me to abort the baby for me to live longer but how can I do that?I couldn't hold my first child and now I won't even be able to hold this one again.Why does this always have to happen to me?.I'm not going to abort it,I don't mind if it will affect my health.I just want to have my baby with me.

I might die in the next five years but I still want to be able to raise my child.I want to feel everything a mother feels.I don't want anyone I care about to know about my tumor,it will cause them to worry especially Jake and Xander.I'm pretty sure they would have read my letter and move on like I want them to.I changed my number because I already saw a lot of missed calls from Jake and Xander so I had to change it.

I already started seeing symptoms of my tumor,my legs are beginning to get swollen nd sometimes I get a lot fatigue which doesn't happen to me regularly.My heart hurt more everyday,I feel like I'm about to burst out,I felt dizzy a lot of times and yet I still get worried and sad about everything that's happening to me.I went for check-up everyday but not for me for my baby.For five weeks,I thought and thought about it until I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't abort the baby.It's the only way I could stay near Xander because my baby reminds me of Xander.

If Xander knew about my situation,who knows what decision he would have made.Anyway I miss him a lot and I just hope he is living his life.I don't think I would ever see him again.I touch my belly and I was suddenly happy but then sad again that I won't be able to live all my life with my baby.Tears roll down and I started crying,I hate feeling pathetic right now.I wanted to be strong for me and my baby.The door opens and Ben came in with a plate of food.

"You should eat for the baby's sake,I know you are still thinking about Xander but just move on okay?".He said and put the food on the table.

"I find it really hard to move on but again I came here to move on from everything so everything will be good one day".I assure myself the most.

"How's the baby?Don't you think Xander you know should know about it?".He ask and I took a deep breath.

"I don't want him knowing,only you and Amanda knows please keep it that way".

I ate my lunch silently thinking about my friends and family.It's better this way for none of them but to know about my ailment that way I'll be the only one carrying my burden.I felt a pang in my chest,it's happening again and my heart race faster.I took a deep breath like I always do and breath out carbon dioxide.I rested my body on my bed and started weeping again thinking of the family I would never be with five years later.I took my Mom's picture and wept more,I clung it to my chest and cry louder.