What's Enough?

Chapter 173

The water leaving the showerhead conceals my cries and sobs. Now that I'm crying, I can't seem to stop; I was fine driving back from Ryder's house, I was fine eating dinner with my family, but soon as I hopped into the shower, the tears started.

I can't believe Ryder did that to me; I can't believe he said what he said. Pathetic. He called me pathetic and easy. I'm not easy. I would never let anyone touch me like how he touches me; I only ever allowed him because I love him, loved him.

I don't love him anymore.

Can you fall out of love? Yes. You can. I think. Okay, well, maybe I can't stop loving him, but I sure as hell can suppress my love for him. He says mean things to me when he's either drunk or just mad. And this time, it wasn't even him being bluntly honest; it was him saying what he really thinks of me.

How could he even want to be with me, and he thinks that of me? Is that another reason why he's with Mia? Because I'm easy and pathetic, and she is not. Ugh, who cares.

I can't be with Ryder and what happened some hours ago proves that. He cheated on Mia with me. Though it was just his way of proving a point, and he wasn't doing it because he loves me, he still did it, and it's still cheating. He confessed that he likes Mia, but yet he did this to her. Who's to say he would not so easily do that same to me if roles were switched?

What if we were together and then he met Mia, once realizing that things are "easier" with her and that she is nothing like me. Would he leave me for her? Or worse, cheat on me with her? I don't know what he would do at this point.

He isn't the Ryder he was three months ago; today, there was no signs of the boy who took care of me while I was sick, the boy who saved my life, the boy who constantly told me he loves me, the boy who always makes everything okay when nothing is not.

The boy that I fell in love with is gone. I was only able to tell that boy once that I loved him, and that was before everything went to shit. Maybe I should have told him earlier when he smiled at me, and I smiled back. Because it was then I knew that I loved him as much as he loved me.

...

When I arrive at school, I throw my hoodie on my head, trying to keep myself unseen though, thank goodness barely anyone is in the hallway. I shouldn't have come. Why did I come? I wasn't planning on coming; I told myself that I would stay in bed and not attend school. That was before my mom came bursting into my room, hammering me with questions as to why I hadn't already left. I lied and said my alarm didn't go off, then quickly hopped out of bed, got dressed, and went downstairs to eat breakfast. She also forced me to eat before I left because I had taken my medicine, and well, you have to eat when you're on drugs. I laugh to myself and then turn the corner.

"What if you run into Ryder?"

"I'm not going to run into him,"

"Well, what if you do," Jess continues nagging me.

"Then I will continue walking. I have nothing to say to him," I haven't thought about what happened Friday since... Friday. I kept myself busy all weekend, doing work and then staring at my three colleges' accepted/rejected letters. I still haven't opened them. I don't plan to open them anytime soon, but I will have to soon because enrollment for the schools is coming up. Though that only matters if I got in.

"Ugh, I wish I was alive; I would've slapped the shit out of him," she says. "Or at least I wish I was a real ghost then I could have thrown a vase at his head or something,"

I look at her walking beside me and laugh. I miss her so much; she's here, I'm talking to her. But I know it isn't really here. Just my brain not willing to accept her death, so it created this subconscious figure.