What's Enough?

Chapter 164

Your Guardian Angel (Alliance Edition) - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

* I have declared this song as Ryder's theme song😂 it just fits so perfectly describing his feelings for Jayda and just his whole mindset

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Thanatophobia- the phobia of losing someone you love

Ryder POV

I help her take off her bloody damp clothes, "Do you want me to throw them away?" I ask, knowing she won't respond. On Stone bridge, she cried and screamed, and then it just stopped, she stopped. She hasn't said anything since. I take the clothes, toss them away, and I take one of the clean towels from my closet; after wrapping the towel around her body, I go into the bathroom and run her a warm bath.

She's freezing and dirty we both are, but I'll take mine after hers. I need to get her situated first. The tub fills up, I call her into the bathroom, she doesn't come, I walk out, to find her just standing there, "Jayda," she looks up at me with a blank stare but doesn't say anything.

Physically she is here, but mentally she is far, far away.

I sigh and walk over to her; I grab her hand and walk her into the bathroom. Removing the towel, I help her step in; she sits in the water and brings her knees to her chest. She's still shivering, and I don't think it's because of the cold. I take one of the sponges, pour the soap onto it, and then help her do a basic thing she has no strength nor will to do.

I take her arms and wash the blood off; I take the sponge washing over her older cuts; she hasn't cut in a while, that's good, I guess. If I didn't bring her back home with me, I know she would have cut or, worse, cut too deep. There's only one noticeable cut on both of her wrists, and that's the cuts she made when almost successful taking her life.

She begins to cry again, bringing her face to her hands and sobbing. Watching her like this breaks me down even more because I know there's nothing I can do. I would change places with her in a heartbeat if I could. If ruining everything in my life was the only way to take this way from her, I would do it, over and over and over again, if it meant her being happy.

When someone else's happiness is your happiness, that is love.

I finish washing her up, I dry her off, and put her into some of my clothes. She crawls into bed, and I place the cover over the top of her; twenty minutes past, and she is finally sound to sleep.

Four hours pass and I still find myself up; it's like 3am right now, I think, and I'm still up; how can I go to sleep after the day I had?

I'm scared as fuck to go to sleep. I keep leaning over, making sure she's still breathing, scared to death that she's going to stop any second now.

That's what I am here for; whenever she feels as though she can't breathe, I will be there to breathe for her. For I am her air, and she is my life.

You're going to meet only one great, one perfect girl in your lifetime. She will make you see things; differently she will make you feel the most unnatural things that even words can't describe.

I love Jayda, but even when I say it, love, it doesn't feel right. Because what I feel for her has to be more than just some word, made up to describe having an infatuation for someone. What I feel for her can't be said and boiled down to one simple word or phrase.

She was supposed to love me first; that's how it works. The girl loves the guy, the guy denies his feelings and constantly hurts the girl, the girl starts to move on, finds someone else, the guy gets jealous, they fight, he'll say something sweet, there back together, time goes by they will have another big fight, and when the girl actually seems like she is really going to leave he'll say "I love you" because now that reality has hit him, and he sees that she is finally done with his bullshit, the phrase I love you, is thrown out there like a mere mechanism used to get the girl to stay and like always they do.

But Jayda is not just any girl.

And saying that is super cliche because, of course, once they guy finds the girl we love, we always believe she's just so different and unlike anyone else. And it's true.

But when I say Jayda isn't like any girl, I don't mean personality-wise. I mean, it feels like she's not even human sometimes. It's like the universe just created her to fuck up her whole life. Sometimes it's like she's just darkness and nothing more. Sometimes I see a hint of light in her; other times, I just see the darkness; her mind is filled with it; even though her smiles and jokes, I see her slowly slipping, she builds herself up 10x times just to be torn down again.

I think that's why I constantly tell her I love her because I want her to know that she is not alone and that I'm not going anywhere, even at her lowest. Today I realized, though, that she doesn't want the love I have for her.

Sometimes I wish she was just a regular insecure girl, a girl who loved to be loved by others.

But she's not. She's never been loved. Caleb doesn't count; he was just mesmerized by her, but he doesn't love her, at least not as much as I do. When I give her my love, she throws it away, she shuts down, and it almost feels to me as though she hates that I love her.

I don't know what I am going to do! It would be easier for me to just give up and move on. I could have any girl I want, but those girls will never be the girl I need. Jayda.

I need her, and she needs me. She needs me more than I need her; I can exist without her, I couldn't live. Living without her wouldn't be living at all...just surviving.

If she didn't have me, she wouldn't have anything, no one. I know she feels for me; I know she feels what I feel when we kiss, when I touch her, when we are together, I know she does, she may not admit it, she may try her hardest to fight what's in front of her, but what we have, the chemistry, the connection, the undeniable soul tie, she has to feel what I feel right?

Even if she doesn't, I honestly don't care.

It's okay to love someone who doesn't love you back as long as they're worth loving.

And Jayda is worth love; she deserves to be loved; she's an amazing girl, unlike any other; I just wish she could fucking see that.

One day she will. I will get her to that day, no matter what. What she's feeling right now will not last forever. It hurts; I can only imagine the type of pain she is going through. But it's not permanent.

Tomorrow, the sun will rise, and we will try again. Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.

And all I have to do is get Jayda to hers.

What a shame that a girl who once believed in fairy tales and stories, had to be stuck by reality with her own demons trapped in her mind and the fear of never being enough

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