What's Enough?

Chapter 154

The diner bell chimes, and incomes Caleb. I finish pouring the coffee into the mug and then hand it to my coworker, telling him it's for table two and that I am taking my fifteen-minute break now.

I walk from around the counter, Caleb and I take a seat at the nearest booth. "Thank you for coming,"

He eyes my uniform, "So you work here now?"

"Yeah," I know he is going to ask why, so I add, "Long story, one I'm not really in the mood to talk about,"

"So, are you like not going to school anymore?" he asks because it is Tuesday and instead of being at school, I am here working. He couldn't meet Friday when I called him, and he was busy all weekend; the only day he was able to meet with me was today, Tuesday at noon.

"No," I reply. I lie to him, telling him I have a half day schedule when I don't. The truth is I just haven't been going to school; I don't know if I will be going back, I can't bring myself to go back. "Anyways, the reason I wanted to see you was because... I just wanted... I needed to see you because..." Shit. I had this whole speech planned out in my head as to what I would say to him, and now that he's right here in front of me, I can't get the freaking words out.

I finally blurt out, "I'm sorry!"

He sits back in the booth. "You said that already,"

"No, no. Not for kissing Ryder," Wait. "I mean, I am sorry for kissing him when I was with you. I'm sorry for not telling you about your sister and how I was partially the reason why she's dead. I am most of all sorry for using you," saying all of this instantly relieves me; a pressure that was weighing down on my chest is now gone, and it feels like I can slightly breathe again.

"Using me?" he repeats, confused.

I take a deep breath and explain. "Throughout our relationship, I thought you were like this light to lead me out of the darkness," of my own mind. "You made me happy, and I loved you for that. I think that I sort of forced myself to love you because you made me happy," I loved him for making me happy. I can't deny that Caleb made me happy; when I was with him, I never felt alone; I always felt okay. "You filled this big hole within me, and I was in love with the attention you gave me, but I don't think I was ever really in love with you,"

"I love you," he says.

"I don't think you do," I respond to his declaration. "When we were together, we were both in dark places; we both were hurt and alone, so through one another, we each filled each other's empty void," I think of a word or statement that could better help him understand. 

"It's like trauma bonding, we both had gone through trauma in our lives, and we bonded over that we fed off of each other's pain, and our reality of loving each other wasn't reality at all,"

He thinks about what I said for a minute, as he should. I basically just said everything we felt for each other wasn't real. "I do love you, Caleb, just not like that. That's why I'm sorry because I care about you, and I used you for my own happiness,"

"You don't have to be sorry; I used you also to get back at Ryder,"

I'm not even mad at him for that anymore; I understand why he did what he did. "I'll forgive you if you forgive me,"

He smiles and says, "Of course I forgive you,"

We both stand up from the booth, "So California?"

He nods, "Yup, and I finished up my classes early; I just have to take finals tests, and I can leave. They want me to come down early. That's why I was at your house the other day; I had some papers to sign about the whole sponsorship stuff,"