Listen, Obey

20. Twentieth Lesson

The apartment was dark when I walked inside. Standing in the hallway, I flicked on the lights, but it didn't matter—it felt just as dark with the light on. This was my darkness. My home. It was a place I had thought of as my safe place, but when I looked around, I couldn't see a single thing that made me feel comfortable. It wasn't a home. It was just a place.

I had no photos on the walls, no quirky objects to give clues about my past. It might as well have been a hotel room, but without all the fancy stuff. The only things that were remotely mine were the books lined up on the shelf in the far corner of the living room. BDSM books, all of them. When I started reading them, I kept wondering if it was an unhealthy obsession. Those thoughts had quieted, but after seeing the real thing live, my doubts surfaced again. The reeling desire that those pages had given me outshone the reality I had seen at Matthews' club. The magic was lost on me, and I didn't know why.

I pushed the thoughts away and sat down on the sofa. For a while, I just sat there, breathing slowly to focus my thoughts on something neutral. I chose to think about the last episode of Big Bang Theory. However, thoughts never listen; they take you where they go, and this time they rolled on from the humorous TV-series to Frozen.

There was no time to stop myself. My chest clenched when Tilia's smiling face appeared.

"Damn it," I swore aloud, capturing my face in my palms. I didn't want to cry. It was useless. I didn't even know exactly why the tears burned behind my eyes. I had to get myself together.

With a groan, I rose from the sofa and made my way to the small kitchenette. Opening the small fridge, I hoped to see a beer or two, but the thing was completely empty. Just like the apartment. Just like me.

I slammed the fridge door back into place and snatched my phone from my pocket. There was no point in waiting; I knew I needed to hear someone's voice in my ear, someone to remind me that I wasn't completely alone. Lisa was the only contact in my list, so without looking, I pressed call and waited for her voice to sing from the other side.

"Yes?"

My fingers lost their hold of the phone, and it fell to the floor before I could catch it. Fuck. I hadn't been prepared.

"Ethan?" Matthews sounded worried while I was torn between surprise that the call was still ongoing and slight panic.

For a moment, I just stood there, unable to move. I didn't want to talk to him, but it was rude to ignore him when I had been the one to call him.

"Ethan, are you there?"

That did it. I couldn't stand hearing his voice when I knew I might never hear it again. His faith in me was ridiculous, and I knew Lisa would feel the same. She would tell me that I couldn't do it. She would tell me the truth. So, his voice was a painful reminder of the life I would never get to live.

I sat down on the cold floor and let my finger hover over the end call button on the screen. I knew I should end my misery, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it. I didn't want him to be disappointed. Not yet.

I put the phone to my ear.

"I can hear you breathing, Ethan. Are you okay?"

I almost choked on my next breath, unsure how to react, and utterly speechless.

"So, this funny thing happened on the way back. Or, I don't know if it's actually funny or not, but I was laughing. Hysterically perhaps, but still." Matthews chuckled in the background while I sat back against the cupboard. "Anyway, I drive through town, and when I hit the intersection close to IHOP, this man in an old jeep starts to cross the road despite a red light. I hit the brakes, and so does the cars around me while he continues to drive as if nothing happened. He even smiled and waved, completely wasted. Lucky that no one was hurt, but man, that smile and his wave. I couldn't hold it in, even in the car."

I smiled. Not because of the story—which I didn't find hilarious at all since he'd been close to an accident—but because of how carefree he sounded.

"I'm glad you're not hurt," I said before my mind processed that I was talking. I didn't mean to talk. I didn't want him to know I was here.

"Yes, me too. It was close, to be honest, but nothing damaged, not even the car."

I felt compelled to say something in return, but I didn't know what.

"And about that, I think a kid scratched my car last week, or perhaps it was an angry adult. It's scratched either way, and I'm almost tempted to get someone to check the security cameras for me, but I have to admit that I'd rather keep it a mystery."

"Someone scratched your car? Why?" Again, he had me talking. I smiled for the second time. He was doing this on purpose: saying things to keep me listening. I wondered if he knew how much he was actually helping me.

"They sure did. Across both doors on the left side."

"Why won't you check the cameras?"

"Because I would have to talk to Barry down at the security department, and he's not the nicest guy to be around. He reeks of cologne, and not of the expensive kind. It's like this cloud that follows him around. So, no. I'm not going down there."

I laughed, and I could feel it all the way down to my toes.

"Wait, so it's not at the club?"

"Of course it's at the club."

"I thought that was a one-story place?"

"You kidding, there's a scary-ass cellar there. And that's where I keep Barry and his guys most of the time."

"How rude." I hoped he could hear the sarcasm in that.

His laughter carried through the phone and made my heart a bit lighter. It was deep and rich, just like his voice.

"So, are you settling in at home?"

"Not yet, you barely left. Wait. You're driving. You shouldn't be on the phone."

"Don't worry, I'm on speaker phone."

Was I worried? I tried to halt my thoughts and analyze what was going on. He was right, I was worried. It surprised me. I usually didn't worry so much about other people. I had enough with my own problems. Yet, today I was worried not only about Tilia and her state of mind, but also Matthews. It was a strange revelation.

"Okay, I won't worry." I could say the words because they made sense, but what I felt was very different. Something told me that I had reason to be worried, and not perhaps for the most apparent reason. I was picking up on something, but I had no idea what.

"Worry about yourself for a bit, not us, not me, not Tilia. We can manage. Focus on you. Eat, sleep, socialize. I'll call you tomorrow to see how you're doing."

"Okay." It was the only answer I could come up with.

My brain was fried, not only because of the weekend and everything that had happened, but because of all the things I had in front of me. 5 grand until Friday, that was the most imminent problem, and I wasn't a step closer to solving it.

"Bye, Ethan."

Shit, I forgot he was still there.

"Bye, Matthews."

"Marc..."

"What?"

"My name is Marc. I didn't realize that I hadn't told you yet. It sounds so formal when you say Matthews"

"Okay, goodbye Marc." I smiled again, and this time it felt like I could see him wear a grin on the other end as well. 

A/N Okay, it's not the longest chapter...but you'll have to give me a free-pass here. I'm still awfully jet lagged >.< Sorry for not updating for so long, life has been in the way, but I've had a great time on my travels. Do leave a comment if you so wish, or give me a little vote, or both ;) xx