Cherish

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart (32)

"How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" -- Al Green

And how can you mend a broken heart?

How can you stop the rain from falling down?

Tell me how can you stop the old sun from shining?

What makes the world go 'round?

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March of 1998

While Jaden lay curled up in their bed asleep, Lucky sat at the desk working on the most excruciating letter she ever had to write. So difficult was it, she had already started over half a dozen times. Afraid of Jaden awakening from the noise, she carefully folded the rejected letters several times instead of balling them up. An unlit Lucky Strike hanging from a corner of her mouth, she pressed the tip of the pen to the paper, slowly yet neatly attaching words to it.

Only when she signed the letter did Lucky light the end of her cigarette. Sitting back in her seat and wincing as the chair creaked, she glanced over her shoulder to Jaden before reviewing her letter.

Dear Jaden,

When you read this, I'll be gone and I hope to God that you don't hate me because of it, but at the same time I don't blame you if you do hate me. I don't deserve your love-- I don't deserve you. I realize that some people use that line when they want to break up with someone, but I mean it. I've known almost from the beginning that I didn't deserve you, but I was too selfish to let you go. You're better off alone than with me. Shit, half the time I don't treat you right. You could do so much better and I hope that with me out of the way you'll have the opportunity to.

Despite everything Jaden, I love you and I will love you until the day that I take my last breath. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. You did what I thought was impossible--you reached my heart. And I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate you, that I didn't show you enough how much I loved you.

I would have told you all of this when you were awake, but I was afraid that if I tried to break up with you while looking at your beautiful face that I'd chicken out and be unable to go through with it. I have to let you go because I'm helping you to ruin your life. You're twenty-one years old, you have so much talent and such a bright light within you. It would shine brighter without me around. I don't want you to end up like J.T. I don't want you to be like me. You're so much better.

Thank you for sharing your love with me, Jae. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget you.

All my love,

Carla

Tears streaming down her cheeks, Lucky stubbed what remained of her cigarette in an ashtray. Folding the sheet of paper, she slipped it inside an envelope with a receipt stating that the rent had been paid for the next four months. Printing Jaden's name on the front, she stood up and walked toward the bed. She propped the envelope against the lamp and then turned to the sleeping young woman. Needing to touch her one last time, she brushed her fingers over a still cheek. The moment Jaden stirred she dropped her hand.

Lucky waited for her breathing to level out again before she leaned down. "I'm sorry, baby," she whispered. "I'm so sorry." A final kiss to Jaden's forehead and she left the bedroom. Grabbing her bags from the couch, Lucky hurried out the door, her destination the bus depot.

The letter wrinkled with some of the words smeared from her tears in her grasp, Jaden knocked on the door. She paced back and forth across the welcome mat until the person she had come to see answered. Slapping the letter against his chest, she shakily demanded to know of Lucky's whereabouts.