(Home)Less Without You

25

TW's:
*Suicide attempt (mentions succeeded suicide)
*Mentions death and abuse
*Mental breakdown

I walked towards a flat and went in. I started walking up all stairs. It took me ten minutes to arrive at the highest point and I stood on the top of the building. I looked down, it was at least twenty metres, high enough to kill me with. I stood on the absolute edge of the building and looked down. I just had to jump and everything would be over.

All bad memories came back again. The memories I always kept hidden. The times I got detention in school, screamed at teachers, got hit by people. The amount of foster families I have been in, the amount of times I have been abused by those people. They were supposed to like having new kids in there house, but they absolutely hated me.

Well I could understand it after I broke everything in their houses again and didn't listen for the hundredth time. I didn't get home in time, I didn't go to sleep, I stayed on my phone the whole day. I didn't even want to think about it anymore. My life had already been ruined so long ago, but it never came out really. I was just always annoying and I was a terrible kid, but still. Did that give them the rights to hit me? I had a terrible past, I couldn't handle myself.

Now all this happened I started realising how absolutely lonely I actually was. How no one actually ever liked me and how everyone who loved me left me. My dad just killed himself, he didn't give a shit about me apparently. Of course he didn't, no one did. He just killed himself because his own stupid problems got too much, he left his sixteen year old son behind with freaking no one. I hated him, I hated my dad. I was so incredibly mad at him. He left me alone, he just left me alone as a kid. He really just left me alone, I HATED HIM.

'I was a freaking kid, dad. I hate you, I actually hate you. I loved you a lot until you choose to be selfish. And you know, I'm doing the freaking same as you did, but I have no one. YOU HAD A KID, A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD KID WITHOUT A MUM.'

I knew I was crazy, I was screaming at my dead father with tears streaming down my face.

'I ALREADY LOST MY MUM, DID YOU SEE HOW BROKEN I WAS?'

I decided to stop screaming at nothing and no one. I just hoped he would hear me, I hoped he would hear my absolute panic and sadness. I hoped he would realise what the hell he did, but he probably didn't hear me. Would he really care if I killed myself? Of course he wouldn't, he did the freaking same. But I have no one, he did. He had a kid, a kid who saw him as his hero. But no, he just didn't care and killed himself.

'Why? Why did you do it?' I asked myself and my dad at the same time.

'Why did I kiss George?' I was getting so angry at myself and my tears streamed down my face.

'WHY DID I KISS HIM? Why did I have to ruin my whole life by one freaking kiss? I just love him, I really do. George, you won't hear me, I know that, but- George, I love you. I really love you, I'm so in love with you. You're the cutest boy I have ever seen, you're the most handsome and the sweetest boy I have ever met. I think I immediately fell in love with you, but I didn't realise it right away. I really wish I wasn't gay, I promise you. I promise you I didn't want to sexually assaulted you. I just only wanted to kiss you. I only wanted to kiss you, I really only wanted to kiss you, nothing more. I didn't want to scare you off. I didn't want to, I actually didn't.'

I sighed deeply. 'I know you can't even hear me, but I'm actually so in love with you. I'm actually so in love with you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm gay. I'm sorry that I love you. Well you can't hear me-.'

'I did hear you.'

My eyes got bigger and I turned around.

George.

736 words