Untouchable

Fifteen

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors, it's the morning of your very first day

It had been a couple of weeks since the incident. I had been going on nightly walks to try and clear my brain, and unconsciously, wanting to bump into Jordon. I was absolutely dependant on Heroin. There was no doubt about it. It had been a week and I was definitely experiencing withdrawal. The summer proved to be hot, but thankfully it cooled down at night. The streetlights glowed, and I pulled my hands into my long sleeve. The streets were always empty at this time, so I didn't bother with the side walks.

I knew there would be a lot of people scolding me about these walks. It was dangerous to walk at night all alone--especially Vancouver of all places, but I didn't care. What would be the worst thing that would happen? I get murdered? Perfect.

It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here, for the next four years in this town

After such a terrible freshman year, I was hoping I could use this summer to heal. Jordon had been my painkiller, but now he was my pain causer. I was hoping for just once things could go my way. It wasn't fair at all. How could someone, who receives no love, get it stolen from them? Just my luck I guess.

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them

I wanted to fight. I wanted to fight for Jordon, I wanted to fight Dayna--but that was like moving a mountain. What kind of karma was this terrible string of events? I woke up every morning grateful for Jordon. I had found myself smiling without struggle. For once in my life, I finally wasn't alone.

Why did it all have to be ripped out from under my feet?

I had a boyfriend. I had someone who fucking cared about me. I found a boy that didn't run away when I got near. He was the first person in that damn hell hole to be okay with my presence. He touched me. He kissed me. He gave me life.

Why didn't I deserve to have that stay?

When you're fifteen and your first kiss
makes your head spin around

It wasn't until I felt liquid drop from my chin that I realized I had been crying. I guess I had just become so accustomed to the pain that I felt no different.

When all you wanted was to be wanted

Betrayal was a word that was constantly floating around my head these days, and it wasn't just Jordon who was guilty of that. I was betrayed by my own father--never did he ever give me the love I deserved. I was betrayed by my own high school. How dare they stick me in classes with people constantly bringing me down--there was no farther down to go.

But lastly--the one that hurt me the most--I was betrayed by my own self. There were reasons I had built those silent walls. There was a reason I never let anyone in. There were reasons that I was a better loner than a companion. But my stupid imagination overran that, and it all came crumbling down--those walls barely put up a fight. I didn't know what I had now. Even walls were something to say I had, but I truly had nothing now. I had probably said this many times before; but in this moment I had never felt so alone in my life.

Maybe I'd still have a chance at going camping with Carly, and I could tell her everything, and she could make things okay again. What I really needed was a mom for all this, but I supposed Carly was just as good.

But Carly was always busy, and the chance of a little girl trip this year seemed terrible.

The sound of a horn blaring tore me from my thoughts. My head snapped up into the sight of two blinding headlights. I didn't have time to move, I didn't know if my body would've even reacted to my brain telling it to move, but in an instant, the car barrelled right into me.