What happens now

CHAPTER XXX

Arizona

The drive on the way to my house was filled with sadness. I couldn't stop crying. I know I can't lose her. I wouldn't make it. We've only been together for a few months but I know I can't lose her. She's got everything I ever wanted in a woman. But now I fucked up just because of stupid Lauren Boswell.

I pulled up in my driveway and turned off the engine. I couldn't bring myself to get out of my car. I was too preoccupied by banging my head on the steering wheel and reminding myself of the stupidity I did earlier. I screamed until my head felt like it was about to burst. I eventually got out of my car and into my house.
My house was dead silent. I haven't been in this house for a few weeks, since I was always at Callie's. I considered her apartment my home now. I was basically staying there more than my own house. 
I turned on one of the lamps in my living room and sat on the couch. I sighed. Being alone was not my thing anymore, ever since Callie came around. But now here I am, alone and sad as ever. I couldn't concentrate on the movie I put on so I decided to call it a night. I changed my clothes and got on the bed. I pulled the covers up and closed my eyes, only to open them again.
I couldn't sleep. I was so used to having a warm body cuddle me all night. The bed seemed cold and I could feel myself get emotional.

I just wanna be in my Calliope's arms right now.

I went to my closet to see if Callie left any pieces of her clothing around when she was here. When I opened one of my drawers, I saw that she left one of her shirts. I grabbed the shirt and got back on the bed. I stared at it and I cried. I put it against my chest while sobbing. The shirt smelled just like her. I wasn't sure if she was ever going to take me back. I don't even know if we're broken up. But I'm sure as hell that there is a slight chance of us recovering from this. I fucked this up badly.

I fell asleep with her shirt on my hands. And when I woke up and saw that I had it as I slept, I cried again. It's not like she died but my heart is yearning for her. I sat up and lazily dragged myself out of the bed. I changed my clothes and headed to work. When I got a look of myself in the rear view mirror, I was not surprised at my appearance. My eyes were bloodshot and looked like I barely had any sleep, my hair was that of a birds nest, and I could see remnants of yesterday's mascara. I didn't bother cleaning up. I felt too shitty. When I got to the hospital, I could feel that all eyes were on me. 

That's right! I look like a mess just like my life. 

I stepped into the attending's lounge and I could've sworn Bailey dropped her coffee cup and Teddy stared at me like I'm some lunatic who got into the lounge.

"Jesus Arizona, what happened to you?" Teddy approached me, grabbing a tissue in the process.
"I had a rough night, like you can't tell."
She wiped my face while Bailey joined in and fixed my hair. It felt like I was in a salon and I paid these two to fix me up.
"There. All done. Let's cut to the chase. What made you think you could go to work looking like-- this? Did something happen that I didn't know about? What the heck is going on Arizona? You better start talking." Teddy interrogated me like I was some kind of suspect in a crime.
"I had a rough night Officer. Teddy, I'm fine. Things are really just rocky between Callie and I."
"What did you do now Robbins?" Bailey asked with one eyebrow raised.
"I might've cheated?? On Callie."
"YOU DID WHAT NOW?" "YOU STUPID ASS BITCH!"
I winced as they both screamed at me. Teddy was on full rant mode while Bailey looked at me with disgust.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARIZONA? That woman has done nothing but love you, support you, care for you and this is what repay her?" Teddy said, shooting me a very disappointed look.

I hung my head low. I could hear them scolding me and I took it all. Mark came in the middle of chaos and by the look of his face, I know that he knows of my wrongful deed.

"Robbins, what the hell were you thinking?" He harshly spat at me and I felt like a kid being punished.
"Look, I know I made a mistake--"
"DAMN RIGHT YOU DID!" They all yelled at the same time.
"I KNOW! That's why I'm facing the consequences. You guys might not look at me the same way as before. Callie might break up with me. And I might end up losing myself if that happens so please carry on with screaming at me. I'm ready to take it."
After my tiny speech, they all looked at me sympathetically.
"Robbins, I know what you did was just unreasonable but please fix this. You both are epic for each other." Mark said while putting his hand on my shoulder in a comforting manner, and left the lounge. 
"Zona if you don't fix this, I swear to God I will never talk to you ever again." She pointed one finger at me and headed to the door.
"I WILL!"
I turned to Bailey, who was still giving me the stink eye.
"Just say it Bailey. I can take it." I sighed and waited for her to scream more sense into me.
"You're acting like the biggest loser. You don't just mope around and wait for Torres to take you back. You gotta move and make shit happen. As for me, I'm gonna head on to my surgery now."

Bailey was right. I shouldn't just sit around on my ass all day, waiting for Callie. But on the other hand, I don't wanna seem pushy. I contemplated for a few more minutes, and ended up deciding that I should make it up to Callie, in tiny ways. I stood up, changed into my scrubs and went to the Peds ward.
We had rounds and as usual, Karev was on my service. Deep inside, I knew that he liked Peds, he just didn't like showing it. He's really good in advocating for his patient and he is great with kids. But approaching the makers of the tiny humans, he gets carried away on most times, and gets all asshole Karev. I was determined to change this man and make him one of the bests in Peds. 

During lunch, we were all rounded up in one table just as always. I was awkwardly eating my carrots. Teddy was poking away on her salad. Bailey was looking back and forth between Callie and I. Mark was reading the newspaper. While Callie, was just not into anything. I cleared my throat and decided to start a conversation.

"So uhm, any interesting cases today?" I chirped and bit into one of the carrot slices in my lunch container.
"Nope." They all said except for Callie. She was awfully quiet and it was starting to bug me.
"Callie?" I asked, hoping to get her talking.
She shook her head, then stood up, taking her lunch tray with her and leaving the table.
"Way to go Robbins. You just angered the bear." Mark said, not looking up from his newspaper.
"Ugh why does this have to be so hard?" I groaned and almost threw a fit in front of all the hospital staff that were in the cafeteria.
"Hate to break it to you Zona, but maybe that was Callie's way of saying "Fuck off" or "Leave me alone" which then again, gets you to suffer."

I stood up and went after Callie. She was trailing behind her and just followed as she headed to one of the on call rooms. The door was slammed into my face and I could tell she knew I was following her. I turned the knob, to find it unlocked and let myself in. When I was in, I saw her turn her head to my direction. Her lips were pressed in a thin line and it was pretty obvious she was fighting the urge to cry.
"Look, I know that avoiding me is hard but truthfully, you don't have to ignore me. I can be very much civil Calliope. We can still converse without fighting and walking away."
"That's just it. I don't want to talk, nor even be around you. You are making it very much hard for me to heal Arizona. This is not new to me, I know. And being not new to it, may seem that I know how to get over it that quickly. But I've been over this hundreds of times, from multiple people and this happening, again, especially from you whom I've grown to love deeply than any of my past lovers, is all too much."
"Then I'll help you lick your wounds Calliope. It won't happen again. I promise." At this point I didn't care. I just wanted us to be okay.
"How can you say that? How can you assure me of such thing when you've already done what I've always feared?!" She screamed at me, crying.
Whenever she cried, it always hurt me. And her crying right in front of me right now, hurt my heart extremely. 
"Callie, I promise. I swear on my brother's grave that I won't hurt you ever again, if you just give me another chance. Just not now, but whenever you feel like you're ready. I'll be waiting I promise."
"Okay. I'm agreeing to the civil part. And I will think about everything you've said."
I released a sigh of relief as she said that. I hesitantly hugged her and I was surprised she hugged back.

Oh how I missed being in your arms Calliope.