Tired
Fall down. Rise up. Repeat.
I bought a new phone on a nearby mall before I went straight to my grandparent's place.
While driving I suddenly remember the last conversation I had with Rebecca.
"Hoy, are you sure you're okay?" I asked.
I saw her pause a bit before giving me a smile.
"Yeah! Of course! I just you know, miss you really, really bad!" She giggle while facing the camera.
I frown pero kalaunan ay ngumiti rin.
"Ikaw talaga! I told you naman diba, uwi ka nalang kasi dito para maka gapa na tayo. Stay ka ng stay sa New York eh!"
She only smile and nodded.
"I-I'll be there soon, wait for me. I'll just fix some things here tapos uuwi na ako," she added.
'She's going to fix something. What is it?'
I feel so weak. Nanlumo ako sa nalaman ko.
A lot of negative thoughts came out of the picture and I just can't help but blame myself.
We were apart from each other after we graduated high school.
I went through a lot while I was in Cebu and I blinded myself with the thought that maybe, 'makakabawi rin kaming dalawa sa isan't-isa after kong grumaduate'
But just after graduating in college. Our work made us go far from each other.
Having a long distance relationship with a friend hurts.
She stayed in Maguin when I was in Cebu. I went back to Maguin and then left again for Manila.
When I stayed in Manila, she went to New York.
Now that I'm back in Maguin, she's just nowhere to be found.
Yes, we were always there for each other. Back then we call each other almost everyday.
But, I did not know we were slowly giving each other the smile that's completely different to what we actually feel.
I'm sure she wanted to open up about it.
But, I guess we're jist too shy to open up to each other because we both know marami na kaming pagkukulang sa isa't isa.
That feeling na para bang, sa pagdaan ng araw unti unti na naming hindi na nakilalan ang isa't isa.
I mean with all the pain and changes we've faced alone. It was our choice.
I wasn't a perfect friend, maldita ako, insensitive, at masyadong vocal sa lahat ng bagay.
Other people can't accept all of me, only few people can accept me for who I am. Rebecca is one of them.
'How could I let this happen?'
I was always physically stronger and fearless that no one dares to cross the line but I am not truly what I am based from what people see.
'I did not even thought that maybe she is depressed!'
'Rebecca didn't do what Claudia did years ago right?'
My hands starts trembling.
Claudia died hanging herself inside her room when we were in high school. A week before our graduation.
I always knew there's something wrong but I ignore it.
On her last days she talked to me about how she wanted to rest because pressure's drowning her confidence too much.
And I was too confident that she's just over thinking things and getting dramatic about it because we're almost there.
"Pen, I want to rest," nakaupo si Claudia sa bench habang nakatayo ako sa harapan niya.
Kakatapos lang namin tignan ang final ranking of honors. I am happy that I was able to aim my goal. Claudia wasn't happy after seeing her rank and I can sense that.
"Then why don't you take a rest?" I asked.
'maybe napagod siya sa practice namin kaninang umaga' I thought.
She chuckle and nodded. "Yeah, kailangan ko na talaga magpahinga. Pagod na pagod na talaga ako. You know, the pressure's drowning my poor confidence," she sadly said.
"Ano ka ba, cheer up! I'll never get tired of telling you that I'm so proud of you, just don't mind your parents okay? If hindi mo na talaga kaya then you know, you can rest Claudia. No one is stoping you from resting. Rest and the--" she hugged me tight and whispered 'thank you'.
"Thank you for what? I'm not yet done pa nga eh, you're so excited ha!" I chuckle.
Umiling siya. "Promise me you'll aim your highest dream. Become a pilot, I'll be waiting for your airplane to touch me there." Turo niya sa langit.
"Above, across the clouds," she whisper.
I had goosebumps. I was about to protest but she already bid goodbye and hugged me again bago nagmadaling umalis.
That was the last time I saw her.
The last hug, the last talk and I feel so bad for telling her to actually rest.
I didn't knew what she meant was a different rest, it was a deep sleep where she won't be able to wake up again.
I was so insensitive! What kind of friend was I?
What I wanted to say that afternoon was that: 'if hindi mo na kaya then you know, can rest Claudia, rest and then restore yourself so that you can move forward.'
Everyone around me told me not to blame myself because I wasn't the one who killed her. But my thoughts keeps on betraying me.
I tried my best to avoid it at piniling i'appreciate ang mga bagay na meron ako, ang mga nagawa kong tama.
Pero yung trauma. Yung guilt? Hindi yun kailan man nawala.
It stayed deep inside, hidden.
And now, like a scar getting wounded again after a long time. It bleeds the same but twice painful.
I tried to avoid making friends after what happened to Claudia dahil wala na akong tiwala.
Hindi sa mga tao, kundi sa sarili ko.
'Gather yourself Penelope! You know you're strong!'
I smile and roll my eyes to stop my tears from falling and walk inside the mansion.
"Mukhang iiyak tayo ngayon ah," napalingon ako kay Papalo.
I smile at him.
"I'm not late for dinner right?" I asked.
"No. We still have time. Your Lola's not home yet," I nodded and smile.
"Wag mong pilitin ngumiti kung iba naman ang ipinapakita ng mga mata mo apo," napaiwas ako ng tingin.
Parang may biglang bumara sa lalamunan ko.
"What do you mean? I'm okay Papalo," I laugh and assured him.
"Pigs can fly Apo," he said.
I sigh in defeat.
'He really know me well.'
He gestured me to sit on the long sofa where he's currently sitting.
"You know you can always open up to me," he said.
I look at him.
"Papalo, I lost control on balancing the time for both my dreams and my loved ones," tumigil ako saglit dahil paiyak na ako.
I took a deep breath and continued.
"I-I think I just lost someone because of it. I mean, I didn't lose her, I-I just feel like..." umiwas ako ng tingin.
I wasn't able to continue what I was about to say dahil hindi ko na rin alam kung papaano ko sasabihin sa kanya.
"Of course! Time can heal us and it can break us too," he chuckle kaya napatingin ako ulit sa kanya.
He put the cup back on the table before facing me.
Tinignan niya ako at huminga ng malalim bago muling nagsalita.
"Penelope apo. Time flies like an arrow. As it fly, there will be struggles, pain, and doubts that wll surely test you and your relationship with the people around you."
Tahimik akong nakikinig sa sinasabi niya.
"But. You know what, you don't have to waste another time blaming yourself and beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door where you can rearrange to repeat everything," my eyes shed tears as I was absorbing his words.
"You still have tomorrow so don't live for yesterday. Anyone can make the best or the worst of it, I hope you'll make the best of it. I believe in you, " he smile.
I stood up and walk towards him.
He welcome me with a tight hug and I cried harder.
He's truly one of my inspirations in life.
He's a man full of wisdom and he knows me too well pareho sila ni Daddy.
When everyone thought I was totally fine, he sees it differently. It's like nababasa niya ako kahit na ano pa ang gagawin kong pagtago ng emosyon.
"Just cry and cry apo. Ilabas mo lang yan. But don't keep crying, you have to be stronger not just for the people around you but for yourself too," he gently caress my back, I slowly nodded.
'For myself.'
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☆