The morning after that talk with my parents, they start a new conversation.
“Allison,” Father says. “We first want to apologise. We discussed further the issue last night and realised we only put more pressure on you. We are trying our best to keep up with you, but as all this is new to you, it’s even newer for us because we are not feeling like you do.” I blink in surprise at his words and then just nod, still listening. “You are indeed against the clock but this is an important decision so you can’t rush and make a mistake.”
“Experiments must be carried with precision and precaution,” Mum adds and I smile. The science analogies are always so useful between us. “What we want to tell you, after a night to think about it, its that you can take your time until you find what you want, but please, keep us up to date. And if you think we can help you, we will try. We’ve known you with only one goal in mind so it’s hard for us to picture you in any other job, but we’ll try. If you want to visit the campus and other faculties, we’ll talk to other professors and even the dean. Don’t you worry about that.”
I take a deep breath, grateful. They can’t give me options, but they want to help in what they are capable of.
“Do you still want Cambridge? We are not forcing you, Allison, please understand that,” Dad insists and I nod.
“I know, Dad. You’ve never imposed a dream on me, you’ve just pushed me to work hard. And I appreciate that!” I hurry to say because I don’t want it to sound like an accusation. “Just be patient, okay? I’ll try my best to come up with what my true calling is and I want Cambridge, but I’ll choose not the best university out there, I’ll choose the best option for what I want. If it’s not Cambridge, then so be it.”
My parents smile because they like that I want the best, even if it’s not the plan we always knew. I haven’t thrown everything to the rubbish bin, so that puts them at ease and knowing they’ll wait and be patient helps. Not as I expected, but it helps nonetheless.
So no, the problem is not solved, but at least it is not as terribly as it was and I don’t feel like I’m choking every passing second. I know I’m running out of time, but I need to think of this calmly and rationally or I’ll make a mistake and I think that if I can’t come up with anything that really excites me, then I guess I can continue with my previous plan and maybe study something else after that. Biochemistry doesn’t have to be all I want to dedicate my life to.
“Allison, another topic we want to discuss is regarding the following convention we have to attend. We’ll be out of the country for five days.”
Oh right, I remember they mentioned a convention in Germany a few weeks ago, I just had forgotten about it. In this convention, several doctors will share their new discoveries regarding their studies in genetics and their advances in their projects.
“We are not worried about leaving you alone because you are capable to fence yourself for a week,” Mum states and I smile proudly. “What concerns us this time is that now you do have a boyfriend and we are aware that you two might use this opportunity to spend time alone.”
I think about it. Yes, we probably will spend time alone here. He probably won’t want me to be all alone and even Sam will come.
“And we know you’re almost eighteen, still young and your hormones are going crazy. All this is new to you and I guess… well, I guess,” Dad rambles and that fact that he does that shocks me more than the fact he might be implying something very, very awkward to talk about with my parents. “I guess it’s time we talk about… well… about…”
“About intimacy,” Mum supplies, saving Dad and my eyes widen when I see how stressed he is. He pushes his breakfast aside, as if this repulses him and I think I’ve lost my appetite, too. “You’re clever and probably this is uncalled for, but we as your parents need to have this talk, Allison.”
I gulp. I can’t believe I’m having The Talk with my parents right now. I thought it was just an urban myth and it only happened in books and films. I honestly believed it was a thing of the past because why would I need my parents to have this talk when all the information is out there in books, documentaries and the like?
And it is even worse because until now it hadn’t crossed my mind! At first I was overwhelmed by new sensations, and understanding what was happening to me, and then figuring out my own feelings. It’s been one thing after the other hence sex wasn’t in my mind… until now, and it came to me not in the most agreeable way.
“Oh boy,” I mumble and Dad rubs his face, leaning on Mum for support. I’ve never seen him so weak like right now and I wonder how terribly this is for him, thinking that his only daughter might have sex with her boyfriend.
Blimey! Why are they even thinking about that? That’s so awkward and disturbing like me thinking about them having sex to have me. Oh boy, no, block that thought, block that thought now!
“Having sex is something natural, even a necessity and it is actually very beneficial for your health,” Mum starts and I want to run away. “We are not stuck in the past century and demand you to stay untouched until you marry because if you don’t want to marry that is okay, too. The point is, we know you teenagers have this urge that is a bit stronger and wilder.” I look everywhere, hoping for someone or something that might spare me this awkward moment. “Human beings have evolved and now sexual intercourse is for pleasure and bonding instead of just for reproduction.”
Dad groans and a part of me wants to laugh because I never imagined he would react like that. For a moment he looks like an ordinary man instead of my cold and rational scientific father.
“That’s why you need to be clever when the moment comes, Allison. Zeke is a good boy and he respects you, but you can’t leave it to him to take care of the situation. Condoms are only ninety-seven per cent effective and unless you want your plans to be abruptly interrupted, you need to be extremely careful.” Mum takes a deep breath whereas mine is caught in my throat. “You need to make sure the condom is in perfect conditions and you also need to take your pills so I’m taking you to the gynaecologist this afternoon.” I gulp again and Mum takes a few seconds to recover. Dad is dying, he can’t even look at me. “But above all, Allison, especially if your partner has had previous intercourse, then you need to ask him, or her, we really don’t judge, for the exams to prove they don’t carry any STD.”
My eyes widen because I don’t know if I’m bisexual—because I’m definitely not lesbian—, I haven’t felt attracted by anyone but Zeke, yet I’m gladly surprised that if I turn out to be one, my parents don’t mind and have an open mind for that. It’s really good to know that.
I take a deep breath, still shocked that we’re actually having this conversation but pleased that my parents aren’t forbidding me to do this and they know at one point it will happen, they just want me to be safe, as usual: to be clever when the moment comes and to handle things properly.
“We don’t know what your friends might say or what misconceptions you carry from pop culture, but you need to know: the first time is rarely pleasant or satisfying. Young boys are inexperienced and for a pleasant experience, the partners need experience, especially the male in order to be able to control and endure for more than a few minutes. Sometimes less than a minute. You might be disappointed, unsatisfied and sore, but that is normal and it’s due to lack of experience. Sometimes it’s a medical condition and it is quite common, not a source of shame.” She still sounds uncomfortable, but she’s stepping into a more medical aspect so I guess that eases things a bit.
“It’ll be painful for you, it is for most people unless you’re with an experienced partner that knows how to diminish the pain and give you a superior pleasure to overcome the ache of your muscles distending and fighting the invasion.” That sounds very, very uncomfortable. “So expect that. Furthermore, you and your partner will be overwhelmed with lust, your brain will release hormones that will cloud yours and your partner’s mind so he most likely won’t be thinking of being gentle, he won’t be able to be gentle because he’ll be lost in his own pleasure. It’s not selfishness, it’s a natural reaction. My point is, Allison, that the most likely option is that it won’t be a pleasant experience for you, but it will be special. Be careful, don’t have expectations and if Zeke is your partner, then hold on to those feelings you have for him. For women, as it’s been proved, the psychological part can be more powerful than the physical part, hence the stereotypes of extremely attached partners.
“You two are young and it is not like in those romance novels that are so popular nowadays. As doctor Maxwell, a psychology professor said, women write romance novels, erotica as it is gently described, because they feel unsatisfied with their own sexual life so they channel their fantasies through narrative. Their real men are not like the men they write about, those experiences are enhanced to sell. Same why it is so popular to write fantasy. Erotica is like fantasy, as likely as to find a vampire walking among us. You can’t expect reality to be like in any novel because you’ll only be disappointed.”
In all my life, I never imagined Mum would give me such a speech. I’ve never read erotica narrative, but I will just to see how these sexual partners are portrayed, what women fantasies are and what they would like in their partners but don’t get. I’ll read one knowing it’s as unlikely to happen as a dystopia… maybe even more unlikely than one of those. And for sure I won’t take one of those scenes as a guide because that could result in disappointment and who knows, maybe injuries. They are not manuals, they are fiction.
“I—” I begin, still feeling awkward. “I’ll be careful, responsible and realistic when the moment comes. I don’t know if it’ll be soon or with Zeke, but when it happens I’ll take all the necessary measures.”
Mum smiles at me, Dad still can’t look me in the eyes.
“I’m sorry, Dad,” I murmur and he whimpers. Mum pats his head, comforting him. “You’ll never know when it happens and how, okay? Don’t worry. Never think about it again.”
“Thanks,” he whispers and Mum looks at me with a knowing smile and I smile at her back.
After that, I can’t finish my breakfast and I just leave for college, a bit late because this conversation has taken longer than expected. In my mind I keep hearing Mum’s words, her advices and facts.
I guess it’s just normal to think about having my first time with Zeke, after all I know he loves me and I love him and I actually can picture the rest of my life with him and now that I think back of all the times we’ve been together, I’ve felt this desire to be closer and closer to him, feeling my body heat as our kisses grow in passion. We are young, our hormones go crazy when we are together and we love each other. It is just normal.
For the rest of the day, I have that topic stuck in my head and I can’t seem to push it away, wondering if Zeke feels that urge or if he’s thought about it. He probably has, he’s not like me, alien to his own feelings and needs. He’s never mentioned it and he’s never crossed the line. Yes, sometimes his hands seem to wander all over my body, but he’s always respectful. If he’s thought about it, he’s probably giving me my space to figure things out. He probably knows that once I’m ready, I’ll let him know and do something about it.
Now, this is the question: am I ready to take this step? I’m not afraid, I don’t have expectations so do I even want it? Do I feel that urge? Maybe I’m cold and I don’t release the same hormones or the same amount as other teenagers, hence why I didn’t think about this until my parents mentioned it. After all, there are those who are asexual yet they still have relationships because they are still romantically attracted to people.
Well, something is for sure, now that I’m aware of this possibility I’ll surely notice if that urge is in me when Zeke and I are left alone. I guess I’ll just have to explore the situation.
When I think about it, I can’t wipe the grin from my lips, suddenly excited about these plans. New projects, new researches are always welcome, especially if these concern Zeke and being with him.
-:-:-
I can't update on Sunday so today :D
And I know maybe Rewind isn't an exciting story, truth be told, it's just a coming of age novel, so I'm trying to touch many teenager issues in a different light, without enhancing them so much to make them interesting for reading. Is it working?
Bel, xx