IAN'S POV:
I cleared my calendar for the next few months. I had some promos to do, a few little gigs here and there...you know....rock star stuff. I did it all. The only difference was that I didn't go home to England to stay like I was going to. I stayed here. In Philadelphia, PA, to see Janel every second I could. Not that I didn't get to see my family in England anyway. I did. I stayed a weekend there, and was back for Janel by Monday morning.
It was getting pretty damn hard to hide Janel from my "people". My manager, and all those industry peeps. I finally had to tell him that I was seeing someone, and it was a total secret. They said ok, and that was that. It really wasn't a big deal to them. I was just being paranoid and thinking too much about it.
Every tv appearance I made in America made me realize that at some point soon, I was going to be recognized by either Janel, or employees in the group home. Luckily they were mostly all older people, so they weren't that hip to the young music scene. But still.....all it took was one scanning through the channels one night, to see me close up, singing. I was suprised it didn't happen already. But I knew it would. I didn't know WHAT I was gonna do, then.
But I had Bonnie working with me to try and get Janel into her own apartment. I told her I'd pay for it. I didn't care. I told her sky was the limit. Contact whoever she needs to contact, no matter how high up and powerful....contact the president, if needed, to get the ball rolling on Janel's independence.
And honestly, it didn't even occur to me to do that for ME. I did it because I wanted her to be a 'normal person' like she was striving for. She talked about it a lot. "If I had my own place", she'd say.
She wanted it more than me. It scared me, actually. Her on her own. I'd be there for her, sure...but I couldn't be there all the time. Maybe I could take her with me whenever I needed to....
But I knew in my heart, she could handle it fine. She'd learn quick. And she'd be a perfectly normal person, just like she's always wanted. If they could just get someone to listen and sign her the hell out of that group home!
In the two months since I'd known her, Janel and I took lots of walks. I was starting to be more and more popular in America now, so I started wearing my hood up outside. Luckily it was late December, so that was normal.
I did get some looks here and there, though. I tried walking in more empty places in the park. And sitting in the tunnel, that was always pretty secluded.
I had a taxi pick us up from the park a few times, and took Janel for drives, too. We drove through the countryside a lot, to get out of the city. We went to stores, malls, other parks, etc....anywhere to get out of the home. And that local park. It was getting too routine for us.
I had also given Janel an iPhone. I didn't like blocking my phone number every single time I called for her, so I gave her her own phone. She learned it pretty quickly. She loved it. I even put all her music on it for her. She was soooo excited about that because her first concern was what if she was listening to music in her room and didn't hear my call. This solved that problem.
I bought her a hoodie she was admiring at a store. A slouchy beanie hat she tried on and looked sooo cute in, that I liked, a few colorful cases for her phone so she could accessorize. I had them wrapped up and I gave them to her for Christmas. She was excited. She'd never gotten Christmas presents before, really. She got one from Bonnie every year. Sometimes a cd, or new headphones when hers would start wearing out. Or a shirt or something. But this was a couple presents.
I put them under the small fake Christmas tree in the reception area one day when I visited her, and I took her out of her room and dragged her out to the tree. She didn't notice anything right away, but then she happened to look down and see her name on one gift. And then another....and another....she was all smiles. "YOU did this, didn't you?" she asked me. "YeP!" was all I said.
That was the last day I saw her until two days after Christmas. I had to go home. My parents would have killed me if I didn't. I'd promised them I'd be there for Christmas. I was planning on staying until after New Years, but I couldn't wait. I had to come back for a few days in between to see Janel. And I went back again, for New Years with my parents and brother and other relatives.
I called her at the stroke of midnight to say hi, which was fine, because it was only like 7pm where she was. She fell asleep for her own midnight, which was also good, because it would have been 5am where I was. Lol.
When I'd leave her at night after visiting her, I'd go back to my hotel and call her. Sometimes I'd call her as I was still walking out the door, so I could see her smile and answer her phone and wave to me like I was crazy.
We sort of got into a talking all night/sleeping all day routine, which also benefitted me because it was easier to avoid being noticed at night. But we didn't do it on purpose. We'd generally wake up at lunch, unless I had a promo or something, then I'd let her sleep. She called me when she woke up one time, and I was on the air. It killed me not to answer it, as it vibrated in my pocket.
I had to tell her who I was soon. I just liked the fact that she didn't know. Because she liked ME. Not the famous musician. But I wanted to officially make us a couple, so I needed to tell her soon. I wouldn't make us official while hiding something huge like that. She has the right to know who she's going out with, right? Sometimes I'd almost tell her, but I'd change the subject at the last second.
Dammit.
I'd start thinking about her, and how if people knew who she was with, they might bother her....I don't know. It was selfish not to tell her. I know. But I just didn't want to put that much onto her plate. And when I'd decide to tell her, I'd wimp out. The deeper and deeper we got, the harder it was to tell her, though. I didn't want to piss her off, but the whole thing would probably piss her off. I hoped not.
Physically, Janel was doing great. We held hands constantly. We laughed and flirted and tickled eachother playfully. We hugged like a normal couple, all the time. When she was new to hugging, she had me just quickly hug her and not warn or ask her first, so she didn't have to think about it and get herself stressed. That lasted a day or two, until she said "What am I thinking? Hugs are the best thing in life!" After that, all was normal with hugs. Sometimes on drives, she'd fall asleep leaning against my chest. With winter in full swing, she didn't like how covered up we always were. She couldn't feel my body heat, so she'd always find a way through all my jacket, hoodie and tee shirt layers, to feel my skin whenever possible. She craved my body heat. She craved physical contact now. She loved it. And I loved her loving it.
I had decided to take things extremely s l o w with all things physical. I wanted to give her the chance to "date someone" as a young girl would. Like age 15 or something. When everything is innocent and curious. (well, for MOST girls that age, at least. Some, not so much.) She never had that chance. To be a young girl and dating. She seemed perfectly happy just the way we were, too, so that was fine with me. I still didn't even kiss her yet. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I just wanted to let her get used to being with me first, before complicating her life with all that other stuff.
It killed me, let me say, though. Sometimes her hands would be exploring my chest and back under my shirts, and it was all I could do not to grab her face and let my lips crash down onto hers. I pictured it many many times. Usually when she'd be innocently looking into my eyes with her hands on my chest. Or when she'd be playing with my hands. She was curious. I knew that. I knew she knew there was "more to it" than just what we were doing. But I'd save all that for HER to ask. For HER to bring up. And after she knew, I'd save it for even longer. I just wanted to give her a chance to "grow up", like she never got to. Experience the innocence of "teen dating" first. And I wanted her to know who I was, before I ever kissed her.
Some nights I walked from her home to my hotel, very, very fast, I'll just say, because 'mini me' couldn't take much more of the "innocence" for that day. Oh yes. My hands had their work cut out for them, if you know what I mean. I even tried wanking off before I'd leave to see her in the morning. But that didn't help. This "being a teen" was TOUGH!! And I'd already been through it all....when I was a teen! So going through it again was...interesting, to say the least.
Bonnie even confronted me one time, when she walked into Janel's room because the door was open, and Janel had her hands under my shirt. When I left, that day, she ran outside to ask if I was being careful with her. Being safe. It was AWKWARD!! But I felt happy that SOMEONE was being a "mother" to Janel. I told her my whole theory and plan about giving her the time to grow up and all that. She was so happy, she hugged me with tears in her eyes. Said I was the most amazing man she'd ever met. And then she told me to let her know when we were done being teens, so she could put Janel on the pill or something. I laughed awkwardly and told her ok. Bonnie's own kids are so lucky to have a mom like her. And so is Janel.
So yeah. Things were great. We had talks upon talks upon talks. I told her about my childhood, and she told me about things she remembered from hers. She even told me about the bad times she remembered. Those stories would leave us both in tears. Always me before her. She's too tough for me. Her favorite part of telling those stories, was that now she could let someone hug her when she cried. And I did. I hugged her AND cried. She hated that she made me cry sometimes. Because you're not supposed to make people you like, cry, she said.
I tried coming up with any sad stories I could remember about my life, so maybe she'd understand how it felt to feel bad for someone...maybe I could make HER cry....but I just didn't have anything good enough. Just the usual crap everyone goes through. Most of which, she probably couldn't really understand. Family stuff. Grandparents dying. Stuff like that. She's never had that, so.......
I did find out from one story, though, that she almost wasn't a virgin. She didn't put it that way, but she told it how she understood it.
One night the man and woman who adopted her were "drinking bottles" as she put it, and getting meaner and meaner, and the woman went to sleep on the chair. Janel was sitting in her room and heard it all, every day, every night. She had a pile of blankets to sleep on, and all her clothes on the floor. That was all that was in her room. She did manage to make a "doll" out of scrap clothes though. She found a ball in the house once, and put cloth around it, and scrunched up and shaped clothes into a person and used shoe laces and junk strings she'd find on her way to the bathroom, and it became a doll to play with. And to cuddle. But then the woman found it, and threw it in the trash a while later. Janel said she cried for days. She missed the doll. It was her only friend. She used to talk to it. Make it talk to her. She'd make it say nice things to her. Things like "Hi, how are you? How was your day? Want a drink? Pass the Whiskey". Yeah. That part angered me. That's all she knew of "nice".
Anyway, she left her room to use the bathroom. That was the ONLY time she was allowed to leave the room. She learned to obey, so she'd get left alone and not beaten as much.
As she was sitting on the toilet, the man came in and opened the bathroom door and stared down at her. She was confused. He never did that. They always just ignored her.
She wiped herself and tried to walk past him out the door, but he grabbed her and carried her to HIS room. She'd never seen his room before.
To make a long story short, he tried stuff, I'll just say. Janel didn't know even now, where it was leading to, but from what she told me, it was definitely leading to "that". I didn't tell Janel what she didn't know. Maybe she'll figure it out someday. Maybe she already did, from hearing her resident room mate Marcus's stories. But anyway, then the woman woke up and came to bed, and saw him and her and went crazy. She grabbed Janel by the hair and dragged her back into her room and said "I'll deal with you later, you little homewrecking bitch". Then she went back to her room and she could hear them yell and fight and heard banging around and it was the craziest fight they'd ever had. And they usually had fights. But this one was worse.
And then she heard a loud bang. And it got quiet. Until she heard the man crying. And then there was another loud bang. And it was quiet again.
And it was quiet all night. And all the next day. And the only thing she left her room for was to use the bathroom for days. Until she got so hungry, she couldn't stand it anymore, and snuck to the kitchen to find whatever food she could. Luckily her door was at the kitchen, and when it was slightly open, for entertainment, she used to watch when the man and woman were in there getting food. So she knew how to try and open a can, and where the food was stored. She stayed in her room all day and night, and would only come out for food or bathroom, for who knows how long. Until the food was completely gone. She didn't know why the man and woman never "came back" into her room to toss food in or pick on her and beat her. "They just never did", Janel described.
So after days and days without food again, and only water from the sink, she eventually got up the nerve to venture outside and look for food. The doors were locked and she didn't know how to get out, so she broke a window and climbed out. Later, she discovered how the locks worked, so she had one entrance into the house she always used. Her journeys took her all through the woods on the couple's property. She found berries, cherries, and learned the way to the distant neighbor's house, in a developement (from what she described) where she'd seen a cat tearing open a trash bag and eating stuff. So she learned to eat the neighbor's trash leftovers before the cats ate it all. There was only trash bags out every few days, so she was always hungry. She somehow managed to make a friend with a stray dog, too. She saw he was weak and skinny and drooling as he watched her eat, so she tossed him a piece of food, and soon, he hung around her all the time. Followed her from the trash bags back to her room. This is why she loved animals and wasn't afraid to cuddle and touch them. She'd sleep in her room at night, use the bathroom, drink the sink water, and wander the woods more and more. This lasted through snows and springs and summer, from what she described, until a hunter saw her and followed her silently back to her house, and called the police.
And that's when she was found. Her dog got spooked by the police and noise and cars and ran out of the house, and she never saw it again. She kept saying "doggie" when they took her away, and someone did try and find the dog, but no one found it. At this point in her story, Janel began to sob, hard. She missed that dog. It was her only friend. And it never tried to steal her food, like the cats did. It always waited as she ate, for whatever Janel would hand it. And it would cuddle up against her on the really cold cold nights. And it would lick her tears off of her face when she cried. I can't even describe how heartwrenching it was for me, as I held Janel tight as she sobbed and rocked, crying for the memory of her dog. This was the thing, out of all that had happened to her, that hurt her the most in her life. This was the first time I actually saw the true extent of Janel's pain. She kept trying to hold it in and be done crying, but I urged her to let it all come out. I told her cry as long as she wanted to. As loud as she wanted to. As hard as she wanted to. She finally listened. It wasn't a pretty sight. She had ME rocking and sobbing (silently)!
I almost didn't know if holding her and kissing the top of her head, telling her it was all ok now, was going to be enough. I'll admit I got kinda scared that I couldn't handle it the way she'd need it handled if she ever had a breakdown near me. I started doubting myself, and then when she was done crying, and going through her aftershock sobs, she looked up at me with eyes so hurt and pitiful, yet gave me a small smile and tucked her face back into my soaked neck as if it was her safe, secure spot, and I knew I'd find the strength to deal with anything she went through. I cursed myself for being a weakling, when she was so fucking strong. She was so happy to have me to hold and hug her, that she smiled after the saddest crying scene I'd ever seen, in real life or in the movies.
And I thought I made sad pitiful crying scenes during the long, torturous process of breaking up with my girlfriend of 4 years. The one I wrote my entire first album about....if she ever told the stories of my pitifulness....I'd be the most laughed at celebrity, ever.
But Janel's sadness.....1000 times worse.
Long story short, anyway. Janel described things in much more detail than all that. And she learned to hold my hand and sometimes wipe away my tears as I'd listen and she'd go on with her story. She even learned, I guess by watching me, to give ME a hug and tell me it was alright when my tears would pour out too fast. I'd usually sit with my face in my hands, but she'd cuddle around me and comfort me. So loving. Without ever learning to love. Amazing.
Janel had a horrid start to life. Sometimes I'd just stare at her in amazement at the perfectly normal woman she'd become. She was fucking amazing.