JANEL'S POV:
When Ian's hands left my face, I could feel the cool air in the room again. I didn't like it. It was too...cold. I hadn't noticed how cold it was before. Ever. Until now.
I watched Ian walk out of the room and I listened to his footsteps disappear down the hall.
I still stood there. Unable to move. Unable to comprehend what had happened today. And unable to picture what the next week would be like, without him coming to see me.
More tears came out of my eyes with that thought, and it made my face feel even colder.
This was a terrible feeling. I felt just terrible. All over.
I had never felt like this before. It was really strange. Why did I feel so terrible? It was a different kind of terrible than when Greg never came back to see me again. It was totally different. It was like.....pain.
Pain in my chest. Pain where his hands were just a few seconds ago on my face. He promised it wouldn't hurt. He promised. So why did it hurt now? Did he know this would happen? Is is supposed to hurt AFTER? I thought about it, and I realized it wasn't really pain...it was more like....a yearning. A non-painful ache for his hands to be back on my face again. An incompleteness.
I let myself fall back onto the bed behind me and just layed across it, staring at the ceiling.
No. It doesn't hurt because he touched me. It hurt because I MISS him. I layed there for an hour, trying to straighten out my feelings. I think I got it right finally, just before drifting into a nap across my bed.
When I woke, it was past dinner time. Maybe there'd be a little food left. Maybe they saw I wasn't there and saved me a plate. They did that for me on days when I was sick.
I went to the cafeteria to check. No one was there and no food was left anywhere. The kitchen was clean and emptied. Just the smell of washing dishes in all the machines filled the air.
Walking back to my room, Bonnie came around the corner and saw me. She jogged a little bit to get to me quicker, and stopped me in my lonely, hungry path.
She asked if I was ok. I told her I guess. Sort of. Not really. I told her I felt.....sad. I told her I missed Ian.
She gave me a sad look and told me that she knows exactly how I was feeling. She'd felt like that many times before. She said I must really like this guy, and it's almost like painful when you're not with him. She told me it's all normal to feel all of this, and to be sad. But it would make it feel so much better when I finally saw him again. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", she told me, to which I responded, "Absence is horrible".
She gave a sorrowful laugh at me and said she'd be around if I needed to talk, but she was done her shift tonight. She walked with me back to my room and just stood there staring at me for a long few seconds. She gave a breath and said "I saw you out on the patio today...with his hands on your face. Did you do that?"
"Yes."
"Janel, you are moving so far, so fast. I'm so proud of you. And I bet you're proud of yourself. And you should be. I can tell Ian REALLY likes you. And from the way you feel right now, I can tell you really like him. So I want you to talk to me, whenever you want to. If you ever have questions. Questions about the way you feel. About anything he says. About anything you don't understand. Anything at all....I want you to talk to me, ok dear? I will help you along the way if you need it. Because being involved with a man is VERY VERY complicated sometimes. It's complicated for anyone. For EVERYONE. But usually you get used to it when you're younger. So this will probably be more sudden and more...deep for you at this age. But I'll be here for you. And for him. If he has any questions, he can talk to me too, you tell him, ok?"
"Ok" I answered, overwhelmed by her speech. I hadn't thought about it being so complicated. About it being so confusing and hard to do. It all felt so easy when I was with Ian. How could it be complicated? The only thing I could think of was the zillions of romance movies I knew. There was always something going wrong in those. Even when the people seemed like everything was perfect.
I didn't like the thought of there being complications with Ian. I just wanted to hang around him. And hold his hands. And I wanted him to touch my face.......
Just then another painful pang of missing him rolled across my chest.
This was going to be a LONG LONG week.
Bonnie reached out her hand to me, and I put my hand out to it. She gave my hand one firm squeeze with both of her hands, and said goodnight.
When I turned around, I noticed a plate of food on my table. Bonnie must have brought it when she walked me to my room. I was so busy thinking of Ian, I hadn't noticed a plate of food.
This was strange for me. I usually noticed everything.
I felt almost....blind, suddenly. Like, what else am I not going to notice, when I'm distracted, thinking of Ian?
This boy stuff WAS complicated!