I started writing this chapter with mascara on and now it's all over my face... just a heads up lol.
XLIII
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Ashton's POV ***
Once Crystal was completely stable and doing well, she insisted that I go home. I had been there for a ridiculous amount of time, so I realized that this probably was a good idea. On my drive home I thought about everything, too much if I was being honest.
I didn't know how I would be able to successfully help and be there for Crystal and Eli. As much as I so desperately wanted to in every way they deserved, I didn't know if I could. I wasn't my dad. I tried to be, but I wasn't.
My mind was still spinning 100 miles per hour as I entered my house. I walked past Jake and Layla in the living room and just kept going until I got to my room. Eli was spending one more night with Kevin before coming here, so it was still just us three.
Despite it being in the afternoon, I collapsed on my bed to try and fix my exhaustion but, as much as I tried, I couldn't get tired or fall sleep... and I tried for a while. Eventually, I just gave up and stared up at my ceiling, letting all of my thoughts continue to swarm my mind. Until, that is, there was a knock on my door.
"Can I come in?" Layla asked from the other side, and opened it when I replied yes. I sat up against my headboard as she spoke, "Hey. How's Crystal?"
"I think she'll be okay," I told her honestly. "She's not doing so okay right now, but she will be," I added, and she nodded understandingly. Layla didn't know it, but both her and Crystal had gone through the same thing. There was no understating how repulsed I was by how many people had to go through that.
I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have an overwhelming amount of guilt for sitting around while it had happened to both of them. Both times wasn't even aware until it was too late, and I should have been there for both of them.
"Listen, um," she began, looking down. "I know that the emotions have been pretty damn heightened these past few days, but um," she hesitated, and I continued listening, "but I've been meaning to ask you about this and have been too scared... and I figured that it's probably something we should do before Eli moves in, for obvious reasons...," she paused again, nervously looking up to meet my gaze as she asked.
"Can you take me to mom's grave?"
My heart stopped dead in my chest.
"I would go myself but I don't know where it is, and well, I don't really want to go by myself, anyway," she rambled, clearly trying to distract herself from her emotions. I felt my face morph into a sad expression.
"It's with dad's," my voice came out smaller than I had thought it would be.
"Oh," she responded, "that makes sense. I guess you don't have to take me then-"
"No, I-I'll go with you," I cut her off. I hadn't been to my mom's grave since her funeral. I swallowed the lump in my throat and got myself off of my bed.
"Now?" She suggested, and I nodded over my shoulder as I changed my shirt and threw on a jacket. "Okay, I'll be in your car then, I guess," she told me, still timid, and walked away.
I looked in the mirror real quick, saw the parts of myself that were identical to each of my parents, and quickly averted my eyes again, keeping my gaze at the floor until I was downstairs. I guess Jake wanted to come, too, because I saw Layla carrying him out the door on her hip.
The car was too quiet as we drove there. I had put on the radio, but it still felt silent without Layla's usual singing and Jake's typical laughter. It was so quiet for the entire long way to where our parents lay.
When we finally got there, none of us spoke when I parked and turned off the car. I focused on keeping my breathing steady as I simultaneously tried to keep my eyes from tearing up. Layla must have noticed this, because she reached out and put a hand on my arm. I looked up to see a tear already falling from her eyes, and a look in them that seemed to be saying 'it's okay'. I nodded and slowly opened my door.
Jake didn't walk with his usual bounce, and Layla's normally confident stature seemed to have completely shrunken in on itself. And me, well I looked the same as usual, but I knew that at any second a tear could fall from my eyes. And I hated that.
When we finally made it to where their graves were, we stopped a little bit away from them, all scared to get any closer. With deep breaths, I took both of their hands in mine and brought us the final 30-or-so yards to their shared headstone.
Scotty and Elizabeth Monroe.
Beloved parents.
Forever in our hearts.
My eyes officially started watering like crazy as I finally brought myself to read the sharp lettering, though I was still trying with all my might to hold myself together for Jake and Layla.
Layla took her hand out of mine as she knelt down next to the headstone. My lip quivered, but I fought to stop it. She gently reached out and placed a daisy and a sunflower neatly in front of the stone- their favorite flowers. Jake hugged my leg and buried his face into it as well, clearly not wanting to look anymore.
Layla spoke softly, and I couldn't quite hear what she was saying as I focused all my energy on keeping myself together. I looked up at the sky in efforts to keep my tears at bay, but then realized that that was probably closer to where they were, anyway. Not this stone.
When her crying started to get more intense, she stood back up from the ground and rushed into my arms. She shook as she cried into me, and I officially couldn't help the tears now falling down my face as I held her back tightly, both for her and myself.
The three of us stayed for a little while, and I tried to hide my crying as Jake talked to the slab of stone as if he was talking to the two of them. He caught them up on the events of his day today, as if they hadn't missed a day of the past 4 years. I doubted Jake even fully remembered them, since he had been so young. I wondered if he'd be able to identify their faces in a picture if asked. And that thought made me cry silently a little harder.
"I'm okay to leave now, if you guys wanted," Layla spoke after a long while of us remaining there. We had all been thinking it, she was just the only one currently brave enough to speak it.
"Can, um," my voice was hoarse, even though I hadn't been audibly crying. "Can you take Jake back to the car? I'll be there in a bit." I asked without meeting her gaze. I wouldn't have been able to.
"Of course. Take your time, Ash," she replied, her voice still as sad as it had been when we got here. I reached up and ruffled jakes hair as he passed in a last-effort attempt to make him feel a little less sad. But he didn't crack his usual smile, though.
Once they were far enough away to not see me, I sat down next to the headstone, and finally let myself cry.
I cried for a good few minutes before I could bring myself to talk.
"Hey guys," I tried out Jake's strategy of talking to them like they were here to see if it helped me at all.
"Been a while," my voice cracked, and I wiped my tears as they kept falling. "Sorry I haven't visited much. I was just scared, I guess," I told them.
"A shit ton has happened since you left- sorry for swearing... and not all of it are things that you would be proud of... but there are some things that you would be, for sure. I just wish that you got to see them," I continued, struggling to get all the words out through my tears. "I graduated with all A's. I know you guys wanted that for me. And I'm going to college at the same place as you, dad. I know you always secretly wanted that, too," I laughed, but it turned back into a sob after a few moments.
"And mom, I know how much you hated yourself for what you did to Layla, but she found me again, and were all happy now together. We all forgive you. She actually reminds me of you sometimes, like when she tells me to clean my room or cracks an in appropriate joke," I smiled again to myself and wiped a tear that had slid down to my neck.
"And I met this girl," I started, smiling even though I was getting more emotional, "I know you guys would've loved her. She's kind and funny and doesn't put up with my shit," I paused, "I'm gonna marry her one day, I think. I just wish you guys were there to see it happen. I wish you guys were here to have seen me fall in love like you two did," my smile twisted back into a painfully sad expression as my tears came from a well in me that was a bit deeper, now.
At first the method of talking to them was weirdly soothing in a way, but now it was all coming crashing down as I reminded myself that I was just talking to a random stone in the middle of a field, and could never actually say this to them.
"I miss you so fucking much," I choked out. "And I have people that are relying on me and I need you to to be here so that I can turn to you for the strength I need, but you're not. I never didn't love you, mom. If I could go back and give you half of my heart to show that to you, I would. And dad, I still get ice cream every time I'm sad and imagine you there eating it with me." I took in another shaky breath, "I just... I miss you."
I placed my hands on the grass, as if that somehow would bring me closer to them.
"I don't honestly know what I believe in, but I hope with everything I have in me that you two are dancing together to Frank Sinatra again and laughing about how unconventional your children are. Even if that's not the case, I'm going to chose to believe that, because I simply won't let myself believe otherwise. So with that, I guess I won't say goodbye, because I'll come back soon now that I've been here once, and I'll catch you guys up on our lives more often. I promise," I took my hand off the ground to wipe my face off again.
"I love you forever, even if your not physically here. You guys live on all around me every day, and I know that. I know that you're not really gone," I finally began to collect myself, less tears falling now. I felt some sort of strange resolve and inner peace already from just finally being here after all these years. "I'll give Jake and Layla some extra hugs for you two."
And with that, I stood up. I gave their names and the two flowers one last glance before shifting my eyes to the softly-blowing trees and starting to walk back to the car. I felt weirdly comforted by the gentle breeze as it dried any remaining tears on my face, and a part of me felt as though it had been my parents wiping off my tears through the wind.
A few minutes later, I finally got to the car, and they didn't say anything as I got in and started it. The same silence surrounded us on the way back, but it was different this time. More resolved. We all were sharing in the same grief. We all lost the same two souls. And we all felt connected as one in my dad's car as I drove us the whole way back.
When we got to our house, Jake got out of the car first, but Layla and I remained seated for a moment, and in that moment we looked at each other
"Thank you," I spoke after a few heartbeats, my voice still shaky. She didn't respond, but she didn't need to. I saw everything I was feeling within myself reciprocated in her expression as she gave me a sad nod in return.
Once we were back in the house, Crystal texted me telling me that she was with her mom on the way back from the hospital to her home, and that she was okay. She also requested that I not call her until tomorrow because she had already cried so much today and she thought that she would cry again on the spot when she heard my voice. I smiled to myself, and replied to her with a sweet message and one extra heart than usual.
'What put you in such a cheesy mood?' She asked, and I chuckled. 'I'll tell you tomorrow- I love you.' I sent, and she replied. 'I love you more you dingus'. Yeah, my parents would have absolutely loved her.
That night, the three of us had a lot of ice cream.
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Hey guys!!
I have mascara EVERYWHERE goddamnit I should have worn waterproof what was I thinking???
QOTD: What is a clothing item that you love??
>>> my birthday suit ;) ;) KIDDING kidding.. I like beanies I guess, they're very comfy
Love you all so so so so much it's unreal.
Stay beautiful,
Briella<3