The sunlight wasn't what woke me on Saturday.
The notion of it feeling like it was time to wake up was what had me slowly opening my eyes and looking over to my curtains. It was still closed, but only at the bottom. I had strategically fix my curtain to only be open at the top and not at the bottom.
The sky was gloomy. The clouds grey and the sun refusing to take a peak. I wondered if it knew what today was for us. That its presence wouldn't have enlightened us.
I rolled over in my bed. I felt my eyes burned to release the tears when I remember what we had to do today, but I pushed it back and proceeded to get ready.
Mom and I basically pulled our thick black manes back into a low ponytail- mines a bit frizzier than hers as Justus took a bit longer showering. We didn't really plan it but we wore black. I guess it was because all of us were feeling sad and wanted to show it somehow to the world.
That even though we looked fine, we were missing a huge piece of us that still grips us by the hearts daily.
Mom left the radio off as we drove to the destination. The radio didn't understand how we felt. We couldn't find a song to relate to.
We trekked through the grass, avoiding others resting as we made it to his.
My mother clasps her hands in front of her with her head tilted down as Justus rest the wreath that we got on his plot. I held the roses in my hand tighter.
Today wasn't my dad's death anniversary per se. We had three more days before it, but it fell on a weekday and mom would be leaving for a work trip that day.
Saturday would be the best option.
I wasn't ready for it no matter what day it landed on.
It has been 4 years since he died now and I wondered exactly when the pain of him going would fade away because right now it still sucks.
Yeah, I no longer cry just by the mention of his name or dad, but if you give me a little time to run with my mind and dwell on his memories I wouldn't be able to pull myself together.
My dad passed away when I was 12. He was shot.
It wasn't because of some drug bust gone wrong or some crime that he had committed.
It was quite the opposite, to be exact.
My dad was a businessman. He worked for every dime that he got and he made sure that he was the family man that his father wasn't.
His bad luck was that he wasn't the same skin color as the officer who shot him. He was black and fit the description of someone that they were looking for.
They pulled him over, thinking the car that he was driving just couldn't have been his. That he had to have stolen it. They asked for his license and registration, but when he went to retrieve it they shot him. They claimed he was reaching for a weapon. That he was hostile.
My dad never owned a gun in his life. He doesn't even know what street life is all about. His father wasn't the best, but he did kept my dad from ever being a thug.
When my mother got the call about what happened, she shattered.
She's still shattered.
Justus and I stepped back as she knelt down at his plot and started to murmur lowly. I didn't have to see her face to know that she was crying.
She would often visit his grave to just clear her mind. She would always speak with him as if he was there. My dad would always say that my mother was his best friend and now, I was seeing just how critical it can be when one best friend leaves the other.
When she got up, she stepped back allowing Justus to step forward. I was never really sure what he was doing when he got his alone time.
He never really opened his mouth.
He would just stand there with his head bowed and hands stuffed into his pocket.
When my dad died, Justus didn't take it too well. He went on a hateful rage against those who wore the blue. He got angry because he couldn't understand how they could have gotten away with killing a human being with just an office position as punishment.
As if the officer just accidentally hit a pon. As if he didn't place a bullet into the heart of a father and a husband. A human.
It took a while for Justus to finally calm down. For mom to actually talk sense into him. She had to teach him that the system wasn't designed for people like us.
That we had to work just a bit more harder, observe a bit more and be just a bit more careful.
I didn't really understand how sad it all was until I got older and realize that it was so unfair.
That generally a parent would only talk to their child about the unknown world of sex and life's hardship, but my mother and so many others like our kind had to talk to their child about racism and not how to beat the system, but to survive it.
Justus's jaw clenched as he stepped away and I stepped forward.
My mother talked to him, Justus stand in seldom, but me?
I did nothing.
I just stood there and stare at his name.
Try to reach for the memories of his voice. Watch the glimpse of his face.
Just hoping and praying that I never forget.
~~~
When we arrived home, we all jumped out of the car with our heads a bit lower than they usually would be and ambled over to the door.
The sound of voices made us all look up to our neighbor's house-his house.
It was his father Mac, he was dressed in a suit and I figured that it was something he normally wore. He was standing tall and confident as he spoke to Lucas. Who by the way, was just leaning on the blue car that he picked me up in the other day. He was wearing a black hoodie and black jeans with black tennis. I notice the glistening of the chain he always carries in his pocket.
It seemed as though whatever they were talking about was serious. Mac seemed to be the one enraged, but Lucas was just stiff with a rigid posture.
In a second his eyes flash to me and I frowned wondering what was happening, but he also frowned at me. His eyes moved from my eyes to my toes and then to my other family members, but then back to me then he raised his brows.
I looked away.
I bit my lip thinking about how a sliver of a feeling wash through me. The need to run to him. It was weird because Lucas was still a stranger to me. Matter of fact we can be classified as enemies.
So, where did that feeling emerge from?
Why did I feel like I can go to him and tell him? Express to him.
"I'll get started on dinner," my mother said as she walked directly into the kitchen. Justus and I nodded as we both walked up to our rooms.
We were still in a mood, but eventually one of us would break it. Today was just a bit longer than usual.
I entered my room, undressing immediately before pulling on an oversize shirt that had One Direction on it. I cracked my knuckles, thinking of what I can do just to get my mind off today. I already did my homework- thanks to my need to always have a free weekend. I even cleaned my room already.
What to do?
Maybe I can draw or something. Madi was supposed to be coming over in the afternoon, so I had a lot of free time for nothing.
She wanted to give my family and me as much time to ourselves today.
I went over to my desk and sat, reaching for my canvas book before I heard a tap on my window.
My brows furrowed before I got up to walk over to it. The curtains were close, but I knew who it was just based on the fact that he was the only person that knew how to get up to my window.
I barely even know how to do that.
I pulled over the curtain to see Lucas raise brows, "I can only stand on this thing for so long before it gives out, Little One" he said.
Still confuse, I unlocked my window and slid it up for him to crawl in. I didn't need him falling and breaking his neck or something.
He stood to his full length and it made me wonder how did the fence really hold him up. He was way too big for it.
"Why the all-black? " he asked, walking over to my bed as if he was warmly welcomed.
"Why are you here?" I asked instead. He rolled his eyes.
"Are you going to ask me that every time? Because, I am not going to answer it" He got up, walked over to my door then locked it, before sitting on my bed again.
"Why did you lock the door? " I asked, walking over to my desk to sit.
"I don't need your mother coming in and thinking we're doing something" he shrugged.
"I don't really lock my doors. That alone would make it suspicious that I am doing something"
"Well, start locking it" he answered simply.
"Are you indicating that you would be doing this thing often?" I gestured to the window.
He tsked, "No, no, I asked a question and you still haven't supplied me with an answer" he leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees.
"We went to visit my dad" I bit my lip and looked down at my blank canvas.
Why was I even answering him?
Well, remember that feeling I told you I had downstairs when I saw him talking to his dad.
That feeling to just be me with him. To let him comfort me.
Well, it was back.
And, I don't really understand it because Lucas has not done anything for me to feel safe with him.
The car ride in the rain quickly flashed my brain, but I shook my head mentally.
That wasn't enough.
Then, the Greenhouse appeared and I frowned.
"He's dead" his voice came and I nodded, not bothering to look up at him. I heard him draw in a breath before I heard my bed creak. I looked back to him laying on my bed with his hands behind his head. "No wonder I have never seen him. How long has he hit the sack?"
He was talking about it so casually.
"4 years ago" I shrugged, getting my pencil and sketching. It wasn't something I had in mind. I just wanted to move my fingers.
"You were close?" he continued. I looked over to him again, this time his eyes were closed.
"Yeah, we were. My whole family was. Still is." I looked back over to my sketch.
"That sounds like a good thing" he murmured. I nodded, still sketching.
I know you're wondering why Lucas doesn't know my father has passed away, but you must remember that Lucas was never one to stay in one location for too long. Although, he lived right next to me for as long as I can remember, the home that he lived in wasn't a home. He often disappeared for long periods, his father too and then they would come back as if nothing happened.
I wasn't even sure if he ever saw my dad when we were younger.
Somehow time got away from us and I was completely done with my drawing when I realized two things.
One, Lucas was in my bed sleeping and the other, well I sketched him doing just that.
I wasn't a great artist, but my friends and family said that I had mad skills when it comes to it. My dad was my biggest supporter. He had dreams of me going to a school of arts and making this something big in my life.
When he died, my desire to draw or do anything artistic faded too. I would only do it as a hobby, but I change my major completely to becoming a vet.
It was something that I love doing too, so it should suffice.
"Raine, dinner is ready and Madi is here," Justus said as he tried to open my door.
I jumped in panic from my seat and bound over to Lucas hitting him.
"Okay, I'll come down" I screamed. I thank God Lucas did lock the door because Justus coming in to see him would have not been good. Madi either.
"Lucas!" I shout-whispered.
He was sleeping like a rock.
I grabbed a pillow to hit him in the face and tried to ignore the pleasure it gave me. He squirmed from the assaults and got up, his blue eyes red-rimmed.
"What the hell, Raine?" he shouted. I clasped my hand over his mouth, ignoring the shivering and warmth I felt when he said my name. My actual name. Again.
"You have to get out of here" I whispered. His eyes were wide as he looked over at me trying to process what was going on. He looked around the room before it clicked that he wasn't in his.
He cursed getting up out of my bed and dashing towards the window.
"Are you completely awake? " I asked, he looked at me dumbfoundedly.
"Little One, can you not see my eyes open?" he swung a leg over the window sill.
"Yes, I can. But, usually a person needs to wake up fully before doing something extreme like driving or climbing down a freaking window on a two-story building" I snapped and he laughed.
"Are you worried about me breaking my neck or something?" he cheesed, swinging his other leg and just standing on the other side looking at me.
I bit my lip, rolling my eyes, "Your neck is already breaking from holding that huge head of yours"
Lucas's eyes bounce from my lips to my eyes and then at his hands that were holding my window sill.
"My condolences about your dad" he muttered. I nodded firmly. "That means your presence to Sally's party is even more requested. Get your mind off it."
I refrain from widening my eyes as I watch him descend.
The party!
I forgot about that.
Crap! Crap!
I ran to the door unlocking it before stomping down the stairs on a mission.
Everyone's eyes snapped over to me in confusion, especially Madi.
"Did you forgot to tell your m-"
"I forgot" I answered Madi before she can ask her question and turn to my mother who was sitting down at the table staring at me.
"Mom, I-" but I couldn't get the words out. Today was suppose to be the day that we sat in memory of my dad and here I was going to ask her to go out.
I didn't even want to go to the party.
"Raine, Madi told me about the party and the sleepover. If you want to go, you can. There's nothing wrong" she smiled as if she was reading my mind.
I shook my head, "No mom, it's fine. I know what today means and --"
"Yes, I know you do. We all do and you won't be held as the bad person for continuing the life that he wanted you to have. Go have fun." she cut me off and I looked over to Jus to see him smiling at me.
"If it makes you feel better, I'm going out too" he supplied.
I stared at him and my mother, they were both giving me warm smiles and I just stood there flabbergasted.
"Mom, you really don't have to do this. I can stay home" I still fought.
"And, do what?" my mother asked, raising a brow and laying back in her seat.
I blinked, opening my mouth to answer her, and then closed it. I try to think of something, but my mind was blank. My mother chuckled and got up from her seat. I watched her walked over to me with a warm smile and then rest her hands on my arm.
"Your dad would never want you to be home groping about him. He would always want you to go out and have fun. Experience the world, he'd call it. It's okay, Raine" she said and I felt the tear drip down my cheek.
I nodded, smiling at her. Understanding fully well what she was saying to me. My dad always had that mindset. The mindset to experience life in the fullness it gives.
He really wouldn't want that.
"Great! So, we'll be home around curfew, Mrs. Packer" Madi's voice chirp from behind me with her arm on my shoulder before trying to pull me from the room.
"Oh no, darling. You both are not going to a party hungry. Eat" my mother pointed to the food and Madi looked over at me and then at the table.
"But-"
"Never in my life did I thought I would be here coaching my daughter about going parties, but I did it. I am not breaking another parent's rule by allowing my child to leave the house without food in her stomach. Eat" my mother didn't even turn around to see Madi and I rushing to the table. She just walked over to her seat and sat down to eat.