TRAU.MA
/ˈtroumə,ˈtrômə/
noun
a deeply distressing or disturbing experience
It is a matter that holds no true form, it weaves into the hearts of all. A formless matter trapped in a cage made out of our imaginations.
Fear.
I tell myself that the fear is simply brain chemicals, my amygdala pinged, and then I try to analyse the situation as I may without it. I try to imagine it from the outside, as if it were a movie and not real life. Then I ask myself what my "character" should do. It helps me to make better choices.
I could barely process what had just happened. I had miraculously won the best dressed title and even though at the back of my mind I felt as if it had all been staged. I had decided to make myself the main character of my life so had convinced myself maybe I had truly won, maybe things were turning for me. Because constantly living in fear that someone is out to get me wasn't living my life I deserved to be happy given most of my life I haven't been and winning just for a sweet minute felt like a dream. It felt as if it was something I had been longing for, but I didn't realize it till it had happened I mean I never thought I could ever win and now that I had I felt as if I could accomplish anything.
But that passed just as fast as it came because those fears that had been lingering at the back of my head were true. One minute I was walking towards my crown the next I had been tugged away from it. But from the moment his hand held mine and he pulled me towards him I knew it was him because I could smell old spice, cinnamon and a hint of a cigarette. His dark blue eyes when he looked at me he held me so tightly as if I was a flower he had prevented from burning. I knew something was wrong as soon as Jacob held me and when the slutty trio pulled up my feeling became reality. Everything from there on was a blur.
I was going to be humiliated in front of everyone was all I could fathom. I knew Brooke was a diabolical, devious, cruel, conniving bitch but this was a new low even for her.
"Come on let's get out of here." Jacob whispered I couldn't say anything, the state of shock I was in I didn't say anything, I couldn't. All I wanted to do was leave, as he held my hand he led me out, Brooke Bailey was about to dump pig fat on me.
Brooke Bailey was about to dump freaking pig fat on me!!!
And that statement rang inside my head over and over and over again. I barely made out where I was or even how I got there.
The cool breeze blew right through my dress and it gently caressed my skin which made me snap out of the mantra I had established that Brooke Bailey was going to dump pig fat on me. I bowed my head to one side, closing lashes weighed down with mascara to keep out the salty sting. We had made it to the roof top which gave a beautiful view of Garfield Prep especially at night, with the air out here I felt I could breathe. I looked at Jacob cause I realized I wasn't here alone. He was cautiously watching me and I looked down and to see that our hands were still linked together and I forcefully pulled mine away. The shock had settled in but the anger began to flare. He looked at me with the most convincing perplexed look on his face.
"You bastard, you knew she was going to that and you waited this long." I took a step back away from him and I looked at him with my most disgusted look.
"What!? Fuck no I just found out, you really think I would let her do that?" He looked kind of hurt.
"Well I wouldn't put past you." I spat . "I mean for goodness sake she was going to dump pig fat on me." I finally said it out loud and it made me even furious.
"Yeah you are welcome at least I got you out of that mess." Jacob cooly pointed out and he better be fucking kidding.
"Are you serious right now? Are you fucking kidding me right now. I was the one who would have been drenched in pig fat right and all you have to say is dig through for a fucking thank you. Unbelievable."
"Well if it wasn't for me you would be that mess, you know the one Olivia is currently in." He better not be picking a fight with me.
"Fuck off Jacob and maybe should have stayed out of it. You seemed pretty good at standing on the sidelines before it would be the first time."
"Real mature of you. Why don't you pick a fight with the person who helped." He mocked and I could even look at him with all this anger I felt towards Brooke and him being here made him an easy target or maybe it was what he last said to me he had called me weak, a hypocrite for calling him out whilst I couldn't stand up to Brooke our fight we had months ago which had been left unresolved.
"Are you really getting pissed at me? I'm not the one who tried to humiliate you in front of hundreds of fucking people."
"I didn't ask you to help me then and I don't need to now, I wasn't some damsel in distress that you had to save."
He took a deep breath and realized we were probably going around in circles. And instead of using the time had been using he calmly said.
"Can we at least just talk-." I didn't let him finish that sentence.
"Talk?" I scoffed and even laughed but not that kind that made him feel as if he could join in it was a cold bitter laugh.
"Us talking. Wow that's a first given every time we talk it always ends in yelling. Or me crying and running away or you just walking away all cold and heartless and quite frankly I'm tired of it. So no Jacob Knight I will not talk to you. So just go back to your cruel and evil friends who somehow can deal with you because I can't I tried but I can't do it anymore. I can't keep running in fucking circles. Where we keep chasing each other but the moment one of us close enough we let it all burns to fucking ashes."
"So go. Just go Jacob." I deeply exhaled as I awaited for him to leave.
"No." He said and I looked at him.
"You don't get to fucking dismiss me." He growled.
"See this is exactly what I'm talking about. We can't even have a simple conversation without you losing your temper or me saying something that makes you shut down completely. So yes I get to fucking dismiss you."
"No please don't." He whispered.
"It is what it is, what's your problem anyway you've been living without this whatever this is shouldn't you be relieved that it's finally over."
"You think I don't fucking want to." He yelled. "You think I wouldn't be rather home alone with no one bothering me, but I can't, I fucking can't stop thinking about you when I sleep, or when I wake up you are all think about. And we've been doing our separate things these past few months and you can't stand here and tell me it has been hard like fucking hell. And trust me if I could walk away I would. I'm not good for you and I know it and my legs are stuck here cause....... cause I'm drawn to you. Like a fucking magnet."
There were tears threatening to spill from my eyes. This was what I wanted to hear from him months ago. But things had changed, I had changed, I was learning to love myself and I wasn't going to let anyone jeopardize that. I had to start putting my own happiness in front of other people's happiness. So no matter how much I wanted to run to him and hug him as tightly as possible I knew I couldn't. So I wiped off my tears.
"No. You said it yourself you are not good for me so why can't you just leave." And the moment I said that the tears wouldn't stop.
He stepped back slowly and in a low voice said.
"I can't." He stepped another step back and this time he said it louder
"I can't......." and the final step back he was yelling at this point.
"I can't because I think I'm falling for you." It looked like a weight had been lifted from him. He was staring at the ground and slowly found the courage to look at me. I held my breath, with eyes wide open did he just.......
"I know it's crazy I barely know you but the bit that I know I've fallen hard for. I mean I don't know what these feelings are but I can't explain it. I've never felt like this ever. Cause no girl has made want fucking pull my hair yet want to push her against the wall and kiss the shit out of her at the same time. Maybe it's an infatuation or I'm too high to even hear myself right now and I know I sound crazy but I just fucking can't, I just can't walk the fuck away because....... because fuck I don't even know what to say." He looked nervous and flustered and I can't believe he just said that or maybe I'm imagining it. Or maybe he probably just told me to piss off but I'm too disoriented to comprehend what he had just said.
"And you can't tell me it's only me because you can't even stand in the same room as me, you turn red every time I kiss you. And you care, please don't make me feel crazy or feel like I'm making all this up. If you didn't care you wouldn't be putting up with this shit. You've forgiven me for all those horrible things I have done and said you wouldn't have if I didn't make you just as crazy as you make me. So I know you deserve better and I will be better for you. I will change please give me a chance to show you." His eyes were still on me and that's when I realized I wasn't imagining this. It was actually happening!!!
Ok Ellie breathe he just basically confessed his feelings for you. So now what? I had expected him to get pissed once I picked a fight with him so he could leave but instead we went from I saved you from pig fat to changing for me. He really said that.
"I don't talk about my feelings, shit I don't talk at all but for you Ellie I am doing it."
"I-I-I....." was all I could say. Remember Ellie chose you no one else just you.
"People don't change Jacob." I finally said and I looked away.
"I mean yes they do but it takes months if not years. I don't have to fix you, it's not my responsibility to heal your trauma. And I'm sorry you went through that whatever it is that broke you, just so you know you didn't deserve it. But I don't get to be a punching bag just because I care about you. This is not some movie where I get to deal with your crap till you feel like it's ok for you this is real life. And I have my own crap to deal with. I can't handle your trauma and mine at the same time. Nobody has the right to be toxic towards me no matter what they've gone through and that includes you."
"I've just started to learn how to love myself and I can't do that if we fight all the time because I will neglect myself and just fall into that deep, dark, vortex of suicidal thoughts and I can't put my family through that again. So unless you get better for you and I get better for me we could never work."
"I'm sorry I made you feel like a punching bag, it was never my intention. It's just that at times I don't know how to control my anger. But please let me try and change you said it yourself you care about me, no one has given a crap about me for a very long time. So please."
I remembered the day he came drunk out of his mind and Gwen pressing her body against his.
"Did you sleep with her?" I blurted out.
"What? Who?"
"Did you sleep with Gwen?" He was stunned. I could see it on his face as his eyes widened and given the time it was taking him not to deny it I felt my heart break just a little more it was hard enough that I was letting him slip through my fingers.
"Yes in the past I did sleep with her but I was drunk and it didn't mean anything."
"And recently?"
"I-I I don't know it was all a blur and trust me I'm not trying to make excuses for myself or anything because I owe you nothing but the truth but I don't know maybe I was too drunk to remember what happened."
I closed my eyes and I let the tears fall because all I could hear was yes I did but I was too drunk to even remember. So instead of answering him I began to back away. And I took a deep breath.
"This is just too much for me. And like I said people don't change '' Was all I said before I walked away from him and I left him all alone on the rooftop as soon as the door closed behind me I let the rest of tears fall and the pain I felt was unimaginable but I had time to think and I walked down the stairs. He has slept with her before. And he did recently and his excuse was it was all a blur, people get drunk but I don't think he was drunk enough to forget.
Wait.
That's when it hit me he said it was all a blur and that conversation I heard in the bathroom came to mind. The girls in the bathroom were talking about drugging someone and the familiar voice came ringing the bell. It was Brooke that means she was talking to OMG!!! I quickly ran back and I slammed open the door Jacob was pacing back and forth running his fingers through his thick hair. His head snapped towards the door to see who had just joined him and his face softened as saw that it was me.
"Did she hand you a drink?" He looked at me with a confused look.
"Gwyneth did she hand you a drink that night, the night you supposedly slept with her."
"What is this all about?"
"Jacob just answer me."
"Yeah but everyone was there. She handed everyone a drink."
"Ok I need you to tell me everything that happened that night."
And so he did and the part that was alarming to me was when he had just gotten out of his room and his friends were there, Brooke got up to go to the bar and Gwen offered to help and she handed everyone drinks except what Jacob didn't know was that his was spiked.
"What is going on? Did Gwen tell you something because if she did that fucking bitch is-.." I didn't let him finish his sentence.
"No she didn't but I was in the bathroom earlier and I overheard two girls talking about drugging someone. With ketamine and GHB you said it was all a blur and didn't really remember anything and when I was about to leave I thought of the conversation. At first I hadn't realized who those two girls were but it was Brooke and Gwen. I didn't see them but it had to be them besides I could know that annoying voice from anywhere. Gwen said she took your clothes off and hers and just slept there. What you told me and what I overheard seems like the same thing. They...... they drugged you Jacob."
I suddenly felt sick to my stomach as to how Brooke manages to scoop a new low by the second she had put the idea in Gwen's head and it seemed like she did it a lot. Gosh did she drug Cameron is that why he is so smitten by her because he miraculously always ends up in bed with her and being the idiot he is he thinks it's fate. I looked at Jacob and I watched the color drain out of his face and his hands form into fists. It was a fight between two emotions, anger and distortion.
"I'm going to fucking kill her." He said it in a low voice so cold and angry I wasn't going to put it past him, the way he said it felt so real. But as I continued to look at him he looked hurt, violated and if I didn't stop him now this was going to end badly for Gwen.
"That fucking bitch! I'm going to fucking kill them both."
So without thinking I ran to him and I let my arms wrap around him. And as our bodies touched a sudden rush went through me. I looked up to him and he looked so angry, angrier than I have ever seen him. He was broken. I knew that but in this moment I didn't just know it I felt it and saw it in his eyes. Maybe it was the fact that we had both been wronged by the same people that made me understand his anger and hatred towards them.
"No Jacob, no you are not."
"Get out of my way Eleanora." I felt as if a sharp object had been plunged into my chest because he never calls me that and judging by the tone he used if I didn't do it he was going to do it for me. But this moment I realized how much I cared about him of course I wanted to walk out on this, on us cause we were not right for each other even though every nerve in my body was screaming for me not to go. I had chosen the easy way out, I wasn't going to let him hurt himself or anyone else because I cared too much. So why was I so willing to leave?
"Falling for you is the easy part well as easy as it can get with you; it's admitting to myself that it happened that's hard. You see I've had these very efficient defences for so long that I didn't even notice them. I guess they were meant for others but you managed to make your own door. But if you leave that door Jacob you are going to do something you will regret and I can't live with myself knowing I could have done something to stop you." His posture had softened and there was no rage anymore as he looked down at me.
"They've hurt you believe me I know the feeling I was about to receive the bitter end of that stick yet again tonight. Yet you saved me from first world class embarrassment you saved me from them. So please let me save you from them." At this point I had tears in my eyes but instead of letting him go I pushed him towards me and I laid the side of my head on his chest and I circled my arms around him so tightly as I let the tears fall. Within a few seconds I felt his arms wrap around me as he exhaled.
"This is what I meant when I said you are too fucking good for me." He whispered as he kissed the top of my head. I could still feel trembling from his anger but he was controlling it for me, because I had asked him to and he had listened. I said nothing. I just held him tighter as I listened to the rhythm of his beating heart slowly becoming steady, I closed my eyes and spent the next few minutes like that. Ocean was right I don't just like Jacob I was falling for him hard but that didn't mean anything if wasn't going to treat me right. Or maybe these were my insecurities trying to pull me away from something that could be beautiful, I was foreign to happiness that my subconscious wouldn't let me have it. Or maybe I'm being rational by convincing myself that him and I don't work. Oh but the way I felt in his arms at this moment I felt like nothing could harm me, nothing could harm us.
I had to make a choice was I going to stay or I was I leaving whatever this is behind. So I slowly detangled myself from our cocoon and looked at him and when he looked back at me it was as if every ounce of breath was taken from my lungs floating into the air like midnight smoke. His eyes held an amount of vulnerability I had never seen him once let slip out. But alas it was gone as quickly as it came but I knew exactly what I wanted.
Him.
So I stepped away from his embrace and I could tell from his body posture he didn't like it, he became rigid and his face showed no emotion but his eyes said a thousand words. His eyes were telling me not to leave.
"I meant every word I said." I began.
"I meant it when I said I don't deserve to be your punching bag, I meant it when I said I don't have to fix you. I really meant when I said you had baggage a lot of it and so we could never work." All the hope had quickly vanished when I said those words damage control so I quickly inserted the but.
"And I mean it, we have a lot of trauma. But Jacob I think I was wrong about how we could go about it. Yes you have to get better for you and I have too, I get better for me I mean but what if we did it together. Not trying to fix each other, but just supporting being there, we could try right? Because what I feel for you I can't even begin to comprehend so I would be a fool to let it go right? Dammit you make feel things I don't want to and you make me want things I never thought I could want." I stopped and took a deep breath.
"So can we? Can we try." I asked and he moved forward to scoop me up but I held my hand up to stop him as I stepped back again.
"Wait, if we are gonna do this we have to agree on a couple of things." I looked at him and he slowly nodded.
"If we are gonna do this you shouldn't change for me, do it because you want to be a better person. Be a better man to yourself before you can be one to me and I will do the same. That means I will call you out every single time you are being a dick. No more fights, don't go hitting people when you are angry. And don't let me in when it's convenient for you, if you are in you have to be all in. And finally......" deep breath "..if it gets too much for either of us we walk out. We are fragile people and I know you wouldn't use that term for yourself cause you are all macho and whatever but you are fragile and so am I, so many little different things affect us so when it gets too much we walk out before we continuously hurt ourselves and each other." And I looked at him and I couldn't tell what was going on in his mind.
"Oh and we have to check in on each other everyday."
"Check in?" He questioned.
"Yeah check in you know ask how's the trauma going or something." I mentally kicked myself for that but we were an odd pair. It's not everyday you meet a suicidal and emotionally damaged girl with trust issues and a traumatized boy, with anger issues and is emotionally closed off. So forgive me for not using a better term. But a smile played on his lips as he nodded.
"Got it no changing for the other person, calling me out me out when I'm a dick no fucking anybody's face up, be open and so don't fucking like this one but leave when it is hurting the other person which is not going to fucking happen so forget about this shitty rule oh shit I almost forgot the most important one how's the trauma going." He looked at me and smirked and blushed and rolled my eyes.
"Mmmm let's see I think I can work with that but I have some rules of my own." He said playfully.
"Ummm ok let's hear them"
"You have to be confident so that means say it when you feel it and do it if you want to don't let fear hold you back like it's done these last years. No leaving because the conversation is getting heated we finish what we started no stomping out cause things are getting hard. You have to sing to me at least once a week cause your voice is fucking beautiful, fuck......
"What! No I will not, that's not what these rules are for?" My face was flushed. I had forgotten he knew I could sing which was making me feel conscientious.
"Well I let you have all you wanted including that fucking leaving rule which brings me to my final request, you can for get about that fucking rule because no one is leaving ok?" He looked at me as he waited for an answer and my nerves were catching up. I was going to have to sing to him while he looked at me, not some brick wall that he was punching. I can do this, be confident like he asked me to be.
"Ok." I whispered with a nod at the same time which made him smile. We just stood there and looked at each other.
"Fuck I'm going to-....." I didn't let him finish his sentence, instead I finished for him.
"Kiss me." I breathlessly let out and he didn't need to be told twice.
In that split second before his touch every nerve in my body and brain is electrified. It's the anticipation of being together in a way that's more than words, in a way that's so completely tangible. His arms wrap around my back and in one gentle pull our skin touches. His lips quickly collide with my own which made me realize that I had been craving his body up against mine and his lips dancing with my own since he last kissed me. His hands gripped my waist so tightly like he would never let me go and my hands wandered on his chest.
He was my drug. One touch and his intoxication is instant. Whatever he wants to do is what we'll do and there isn't a thing I could do to stop - not that I'd want to. Just his scent sends me into a heady trance, one that doesn't end until our lips are sealed together with our bodies feeling just warm and snuggled in as close as two souls can be.
Our tongues are intertwined in a passionate kiss and sparks are bowling in every direction. He breaks the kiss and with our heavy breathing we don't say a word. His hands slowly move up tracing the curves of body till he reaches my shoulders then he lets his fingers trace my neck till he tilts my head up. I felt a hot breath on my neck, then the tender brush of lips. Burning as they make contact with my neck. A hand runs through my hair, as the kisses become harder and more urgent. My own hands find a way to his hair and I let out a small sound that feels so foreign to me. But somehow it keeps coming back with every kiss he placed on my neck. I tug his hair a bit and make a deep growl. Another hand slides around my waist, and pulls me close to his pine scented body.
"Ja-ummmmm, we sh-should, oh god." I breathlessly say. I was trying to make him stop before he gave me more hickies. The last were so hard to cover up. But the feel of his lip on my neck I could even form a sentence. He lets his nose softly run up my neck till he reaches my ear and he kisses the tip of it before whispering.
"We should what?" I felt him smirk on my ear and that almost gave me the will power to push him away but he let his bottom lip slide at the outer part of my ear. I flattered my eyes shut and I bit on my lower lip so I wouldn't make a sound to feed into his massive ego but that didn't hold long because he gently bit the top of my ear and moaned in pure bliss. He added a bit more pressure releasing it and my head tilted sideways. The heat was becoming too much for me as he kissed me on the lips once again so I found the courage to break the kiss. His hands let me go and we both looked at each other while trying to catch our breath.
"We should ummmmm we should probably stop." I said in between breaths. He had this look in his eyes like he could see right through me and not once did he look at anything else other than me. And my nerves started up again because this look told me he didn't want to stop.
"Why." He hoarsely replied while he moved closer to me and he let his lips kiss my left cheek. Then he turned and kissed my right cheek.
"You have no idea." He whispered against my forehead before kissing it. My eyes closed as I felt his lips all over my face.
"You......" he said and kissed me on my lips so softly and quickly. And he continued to do that as he finished each word with a kiss.
"Have....kiss....no....kiss.....idea....kiss....how...kiss....long....I've....kiss....been....kiss.... waiting .... kiss....for....kiss....this...." I felt my whole body heat up as his lips touched my body from my neck to my shoulders to my cheeks and my lips.
He wasn't going to barge so I had to do it for him.
"Stop." I squealed and I jumped away from him while giggling, me giggling. Wow I didn't see this coming at the beginning of the night.
"Ok fine." He said with a devilish smile on his face he still had that look in his eyes any second now he was going to try and kiss me again I knew it.
"I'm serious Jacob." I playfully warned.
"Ugh, you are no fun, but ok fine." He rolled his eyes as he placed his hands in the air.
"But only for now." He said and something tingled in me, because of the way he had said it, as if it was a promise.
"So what do you want to do?" He asked.
"Mmmmmm, I don't know." I answered with no idea what was next all I knew was I didn't want to go back down there again I mean I just couldn't.
"Wanna get the fuck out of here?" He asked as if he had read my mind. I smiled and nodded as he put his hand out for me to hold.
"I promise, no funny business." He said and I laughed as I slid my tiny hand into his and it felt right and made me feel warm in places I didn't know got warm. Are those damn butterflies people are always talking about?
He gave me a quick glance before he lifted our linked hands to his mouth and placed a kiss at the back of hand.
"One for the road." He shrugged with that damn naughty smirk on his face. I just shook my head as he led me down the stairs.
——————x
HEY LOVIES HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING THE BOOK PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO VOTE AND COMMENT ❤️❤️❤️
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