His lips began to move against mine, lifting a smile to my face. It however, didn't bare its usual intensity. When he kissed me it would always leave me trembling with desire, he would have me coming undone with every flick of his tongue.
He was holding back, his movements against my lips hesitant. It was utterly frustrating. I wanted him to ravish me, to completely consume me in every senses.
"Don't you want me?" I whispered, staring down at the space behind him in embarrassment.
He mashed his lips together while his hands that were still at his side clenched tightly.
"Of course I want you, I want you ever goddamn time. I just don't think this is what you need right now" his eyes held mine as a grave look passed over them "someone broke into your room tonight, your still shaken up"
He was doing the opposite of what I wanted, I didn't need to be reminded about what had happened. Every time I thought of it my stomach twisted in the most dreadful way. I understood why he was so hesitant to let things go further, but I needed him so much.
"I can feel his hands on me. I- I need you...to wipe his memory from my head" I cupped his strong jaw, forcing his eyes to meet my desperate ones.
"I don't think that's what you need, your not thinking straight" he tried to reason.
"Please" I pleaded, drawing his face closer to mine.
His shoulders slumped inconsiderably as a low sigh blew past his lips. I drew my lips back to his, my hands flying to soft hair as I tugged him closer to me. He moved his lips slowly on mine while his hands rested stiffly against my hips.
Craving the passion he would always evoke in me, I pushed him onto the bed before climbing over him. My tongue ran over his bottom lip, biting it softly between my teeth. I felt the vibration of his groan as he opened his mouth, meeting his tongue with mine.
Unadulterated pleasure shot to my toes as his tongue swept over mine, igniting every part of my being. I gasped slightly when he switched our positions, my head landing softly on his sheets.
Holden quietly kissed his way down my exposed neck with a tenderness nobody had ever shown me. His hot mouth placed open mouthed kisses at the conjunction of my jaw as I dug my fingers deeper into his back, watching as they left long red lines in their wake. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I drew his body closer to mine. His erection poking at my covered core.
"Fuck!" He roared quietly as I grinned against him, the friction taking me to new heights.
I blindly fumbled with Holden's zipper between our flush bodies, sloppily tugging on it. I groaned against his lips in frustration when he stopped my hand, restraining me from discarding his jeans. His movement seized as his eyes traveled back up to mine.
"Your crying" he sighed while lightly grazing his fingers over the single trail of tears on both my cheeks. As if his words were the trigger, a loud sob ripped from my clogged throat as I crumbled to his chest.
I wanted this, right? I wanted to feel Holden's touch, for him to help me forget. So why did I feel so dirty, life I was using him.
"Y- you said you want to forget him. Who...who is he?" Holden whispered hesitatingly, seating up beside me after I had calmed down.
"Holden" it was a whispered plea. I was terrified of telling him, I didn't want to see his reaction.
"I know the last thing you want is for me to ask questions" he said while rubbing the frown lines between his eyebrows "but its fucking frustrating seeing you fall part and not knowing why"
"His my ex boyfriend" I mumbled thickly.
"Is he blonde" if I squinted harder I bet I could see the wheels turning in his head as he began to piece things together.
"Is he the same person that ordered the junkie to come on to you?" He sounded angry.
"Yes" I could at least tell him that.
"Why didn't you want to press charges against him?" He was getting reeled up, his face hardening further.
"His sick" I struggled to say despite my heavy tongue.
"That doesn't mean he can just harm you!" he deep voice roared as the veins on his neck popped.
"I made him that way" however much I wanted to deny this I couldn't. Guilt gnawed at me, a bitter taste settling in my throat.
"What is that supposed to mean?" He looked so confused, his eyebrows shooting upwards as he ran his fingers through his disheveled hair.
"I- I can't..."
"You know what? Fuck this" he said calmly, clenching jaw tightly "I opened up to you about my mother, I haven't done that in two goddamn years. I wish I hadn't" he climbed out of the bed, roughly snatching a pillow before making his way to the door.
"You can have the bed" Holden grumbled before slamming the door shut.
Stabbing pain pierced my heart as I remained unmoving, eyes glued to the wooden door. I rested my back against the headboard while hugging my knees to my chest, hot tears stinging my eyes.
I was drowning in guilt because he was right, he had trusted me enough to open up to me about someone he loved. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, because no matter how stupid or naive it may sound, I did with my life.
I however, had my reasons for not wanting to tell him about the skeletons of my past. They didn't matter though, because I'd lost him. Even if I decided to tell him, it wouldn't fix the mess I had created. He'd already pulled away, I could see it in his eyes as he shut the door.
Lying down on the bed, I hugged a pillow to my chest while digging my tear streaked face in it. I inhaled his scent deeply, desperately wanting to hold onto him. The smell of mint and cinnamon lulled me to sleep, my eyes suddenly feeling heavy.
The shrill ringing of my cellphone woke me up from my restless sleep, increasing the drumming in my skull. I felt exhausted even though I had just woken up, my eyes burning at the bright sunlight streaming into the room. I squinted at the screen of my phone, immediately answering the call at the sight of my mother's name.
"Hey honey, I just wanted to tell you I'm almost at the address you gave me" she sounded tired, like she hand slept.
"Okay" I sighed while seating up on the bed. My mother mumbled something about being on the road before abruptly hanging up.
Figuring Holden wouldn't come back to the room soon, I decided to quickly shower. My movement were sluggish as I went through the basic morning routine, my muscles protesting with every step I took. I pulled on my clothes, itching in irritation at the scratchy fabric of my jeans. I placed Holden's folded Jersey on his bed, knowing that whatever we had had probably come to an end last night.
I heard someone knocking as I made my way down the stairs, figuring it was my mother I increased my pace. I swallowed hard when my eyes landed on Holden's tan back as I walked past a corner, his muscles ripping while he strode towards the door.
"Yeah?" He asked the person outside, his voice heavy with sleep.
I fought back a chuckle at my mothers dumbstruck expression, her eyes sweeping over his impossibly tall frame, undoubtedly lingering on his exposed chest. Pale blue eyes widened in awe, her mouth opening and closing wordlessly.
"Hey mum" I said under my breath, both their attention shifting to me. My mother's eyes quickly ran over my body, probably checking for any visible injuries as I walked closer to them.
"Savannah" she sighted loudly, disregarding Holden as she ran towards me before wrapping her arms around me "don't scare me like that ever again" she said in my ear while squeezing me closer to her.
Holden cleared his throat from his position by the door, interrupting my mother's show of affection.
"Oh, you must be my daughters friend. Thank you so much for taking care of her" she said in gratitude as her lips stretched into a smile.
"It was nothing" Holden cleared his throat, his fingers flying to the nape of his neck awkwardly.
"Okay, we'll be going now" she lightly shook his hand, giving him another grateful smile "I'll wait for you at the car" she said over her shoulder while walking out of the door.
The air shifted once she left, neither of us making a move to speak. He had placed his walls back up, a passive look settling in his eyes. Feeling suffocated, I cleared my throat. Failing at getting rid of the log lodged in my throat.
"I...Thank you" I wanted to say more than that, I wanted to apologize for yesterday. But I was a coward.
He gave me a detached nod, his eyes never meeting mine. My eyes dropped in disappointment as I headed to the door. What was I expecting, for him to put the argument behind him? maybe.
At the click of the door my heart clenched, a void settling inside it. I groaned, willing the pain in my heart to simmer as I dragged myself to my mother's car.
"Who was that guy?" My mother asked the second I entered the car. I already knew what was coming.
"No one" I murmured while strapping my seatbelt.
"Is he your boyfriend?" Her lips thinned.
"No his not. I know where this is going mum and frankly I don't want to talk about it" I sighed.
"I just don't want you to get hurt again. Boys like him will only break your heart" my mouth twitched to defend him, the words rising up my throat.
"You don't know him" I whispered.
"Oh really? Where have I seen those tattoos before? Probably from the freaking psychopath who wants to kill you!" I anticipated her words but they still hurt.
"It doesn't matter, I won't be seeing him after today" I stared heatedly at the football house, knowing I wouldn't have any reason to come here again.
My mother sighed before starting the engine, quietly making her way down the road.
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