I finished straightening my uniform and stared in the mirror. It looked awkward on me. Bright. When I wore a uniform at all, I normally wore black and silver of Tlas. The Karitan uniform is red and blue, which almost made my cheeks a little rosy. Almost made me think I’m pretty. I didn’t normally wear anything this bright and I felt like I stood out horridly.
Rob came up behind me and gently wrapped his arms around me. I smiled and kissed his cheek. He smelled like his fresh mist soap, which didn’t have much smell, but I liked it nonetheless.
“What?” I said.
He smiled. “Just you.”
“What about me?” I turned to look at him.
He brushed my hair behind my ear. “You look beautiful, that’s all.”
“I’m in an enemy uniform. I can’t look pretty.” I grin mischievously.
“Sure you can.”
I took my hair and twisted it up. “Nope.” I clipped my hair back with a claw.
He shrugged. “I still think so. And I so want to kiss you right now.”
I give him a look, then lean up and give him a quick kiss.
“That’s it?” He gave me a sad look.
“Well, someday, when we’re married....” I grinned. We didn’t do a lot of making out like normal couples did. I couldn’t figure out how to explain to him that kissing was--is--a lot deeper than it is I think for most people. It allows a little bit of Rob to seep into my mind, and wrap around my very self. I didn’t want to give him that just whenever without us being fully committed.
He kissed my forehead in response. I turned and tugged my uniform again.
“Ready?” Rob asked.
“For the mission?” I asked. I shrugged.
He paused. “Are you--okay?”
“I guess.”
He wrapped his arms around me again. “Marie, what is it? You are normally so--ready.”
I leaned back and closed my eyes. “I--I don’t know. I just feel--off. Like I’m a rubber band stretched too tight and about to snap. Or too--I don’t know--like I’m ready to burst. I’m so tired of it.”
“Of what?”
“This--everything.” I turned to look at him, but didn’t wiggle out of his arms. “I don’t want to spy anymore. I don’t want to--fight anymore. I don’t want to pretend to be someone who I’m not anymore. I just--want to be us.”
“I do too.”
I blinked. “Honest?”
Rob smiled faintly, his eyes twinkling, but I can tell he’s telling me the truth. “Honest. Soon. We’ll do it. We’ll leave and start our own life. Just--we can’t rightly back out an hour before the mission.”
I grinned, because I knew he was right. He let me go and took his backpack of supplies.
“One more thing, Rob.”
He stopped and waited.
“If I do snap, will you stop me?”
“Of course. If I know.”
I fingered the hem of my shirt. “What about--code-B?”
“For what? There’s no Code-B.”
“There is now.” Understanding dawned on him and I grinned. Rob would have my back. Always.
Our entry plan was probably more complicated than necessary, but we had to deal with the fact that Rob couldn’t sneak in as a server through the normal route. We felt pretty sure a Karitan would peg him. Karitans noticed everyone, except me. Thus, I got in through the back elevator to the Karitan Embassy and then took the sentry post on the roof, which was the route Rob would come in so as to avoid the guard and most Karitans, at least those who would be looking for people like us.
Now, one thing that should be clarified. The Karitan Embassy on Tlas is not that much, and that much, at the same time. They rented, up until about the time I left, the top three floors of the Haldi Building, the highest building in the capital of Tlas. The roof they also owned as part of the rental contract, but they allowed tourists to visit the top of it. (It, in part, allowed them to give tourists a glimpse into Karitan culture as well as a stunning view.) However, they also have one security guard on the roof, just in case, to direct people towards the elevators and away from the embassy. To get there, I needed to intercept the security guard that really was suppose to be going to the roof. I did that, more or less, easily enough, and dumped his body in the storage room just below the roof before I walked the rest of the way up and came out on to the top.
I’ve flown enough, but it still doesn’t quite compare to the view of the world from the top of the Haldi building. The sun was setting, and with the long clouds and the lake off the west side of the building, it looked amazing. The sun lit the sky in colors of pink and gold and red. A few people mingled around, some still watching the sunset. A middle aged woman somehow even managed to get a few glimpses of the sunset in between watching her son darting between the railings and texting on her phone. I took up my post, just like any other guard would do, and watched everything quietly.
Something about the woman kept making me look at her. She felt familiar. Like, I saw her in a dream. I found myself continuously glancing back at her until it clicked. She looked like my mother, which was crazy, because my mother hated heights. At least, she did when I was six. One reason why she always refused me a ferris wheel ride. I wondered if, for a normal boy, she might be willing to do such a feat as go to the top of the tallest building. If it was even my mother.
My watch beeped, interrupting me from my thoughts. It was time to get Rob here. “Ladies and Gentlemen. I just received word that there will be fireworks over the lake, if anyone is interested.”
Some people glanced at me, but most just went over to the lake side of the building. On cue, fireworks light up the sky. These were not normal fireworks either, that needed dark to work. These were the kind of fireworks that could be shot and seen easily in full day. At sunset, they looked like small pieces of the sun dancing through the sky.
I turned away from the group and watched as a man began to lower himself from the silent copter that flew in from the other side of the building. Just as the copter brushed over the top of the building, the man let himself go, fell the remaining ten feet, rolled and stood. He pulled off his hood and stuffed it into his back pocket. In that moment, he looked just like any other tourist. Then he winked at me in that highly conspiratorial way, which caused me to grin like a goofy school girl. If anyone was trained at reading body language, we would have not left a doubt in their mind that we were involved. As it was, everyone else cared more about the fireworks than about Rob, and he used that chance to sneak down the stairs to the waiting elevator.
Once he left, I tried to focus on just being a guard, but I couldn’t. Not well at least. Mainly because my mind swung either two directions. First, it wanted to think about Rod and what he might be doing and if he was safe. I knew his general outline. He was to become a server at the event, swipe a keycard, and pass that off to me shortly to use to obtain a briefcase. I cared about him greatly--dare say even loved him then--so I did not want him to get hurt. Him having an active role in this mission scared me. We might have been the best team against the Karitans, but eventually, everyone is caught, as our presence circumstances proves. However, whenever I forced myself to stop thinking of Rob, I immediately began thinking of the woman who reminded me so much of my mother. They had the same voice, almost the same hair, although a tad lighter, and the same eyes. It was probably all coincidence, and I probably would have written it off as such, if her phone did not ring and if she did not answer her phone.
“Char Avis here.”
I froze and stared at her. My chest tightened. I suppose it should have happened once in my life, that we would run into each other, but if I could pick, I would not have picked then. I would have preferred when I have dementia and can’t remember what it felt like to wait for her on the steps of the school, or to be shuttled from one home to another and constantly scared. In fact, never would probably be the best time, to be realistic. However, there she stood, just chatting on her phone about some art show coming up while her son darting back and forth between the railings, now that the fireworks ended. My half brother no doubt.
I turned away and focused on the rest of the people. Many had decided to begin to leave, now that the fireworks and sunset both ended. Besides, the roof would close soon. I nodded slightly to a few of them as they walked past and tried desperately to ignore the excited shrieks of the little boy. I couldn’t. Slowly, I took a deep breath.
“Kid, can you please take it down a notch? Some people are trying to enjoy the scene.” The request came out harsher than I meant it to, but it was enough for him to stop and stare up at me with bright eyes. Eyes that looked just like my mother’s.
Then, he shrugged and stuck out his tongue at me.
I clenched my jaw. “If you aren’t quiet, I will have to ask you to leave.”
Char put her hand over her phone. “You have no reason to be talking to my son like that,” she said.
I straightened. “I merely asked him to quiet down a little and have some respect for the others here.”
She glanced around. “What others?”
She was right. In the last minute, everyone else had left. Probably because of the screaming boy.
“I see no others, so he is fine.” She gave that slight, I’m-in-charge-and-you’re-not tilt of her head and went back to her phone.
I turned away and clicked on my personal mic with Rob. “You there?”
A pause. He couldn’t answer me if it wasn’t safe, so it was fine. “ What’s wrong?”
“Nothing--yet.”
He paused again. “You sound tense.”
“Just--a kid up here screaming his head off.”
“Well, ten more minutes until closing time.”
I nodded slightly. “Right.”
“Going silent. Will talk to you as soon as I start changing.”
Char snapped her phone shut. “Dyn. Time to leave. Your father and brother will be waiting.”
I blinked. Two half siblings? And a father? She obviously enjoyed her time after I left. I couldn’t even convince her to look at another guy when I was with her. She always said I reminded her too much of my father, Roni, and that she loved him too much to find someone else. Obviously, that was a lie.
Dyn ran across the roof towards his mother, chattering happily. The two of them went to the elevator and pushed the button. I tried not to bother with watching them anymore. Already I could feel the familiar anger stirring in my stomach.
“There’s something wrong with the elevator,” Char snapped at me suddenly.
I blinked. “I don’t know what.”
“It’s not coming.”
At that moment, my com link with Karit security crackled. “Rooftop, we got elevators down. You got anyone up there?”
I paused as I scrambled to remember our training in Karitian radio protocols in between my anger. “Rooftop here, yes. Two.”
“Well, we’ll get it up as soon as possible. Just tell them to stick tight. Security out.”
Based on the tension waves from my mother, I knew that would not be an option. She looked near ready to explode. But I had to try anyway. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the elevators appear to have broken temporarily.” This, I knew, was not part of our plan, but a cause of concern nonetheless.
She sniffed and walked away. Almost immediately, she pulled out her handheld to text, a habit I thought as normal as a child, but now hated as an adult, so much so that Rob and I would get rid of all of our phones during meals and after seven at night. It just seemed wrong to be devoted to a computer when someone you cared about stood right there. Also, it allowed children, like Dyn, to run across the roof warbling like a bird.
“Do I get to stay, Mom?”
She nodded absently.
“Whoopie!” He ran off around the roof in giant laps, flapping his arms.
Problem is, his bird calls just added to the stress of the fact that my mother sat barely ten feet away from me. “If you don’t mind,” I said tersely, “I’d appreciate if you would control your son. We may need to evacuate suddenly and it is best to keep him close.”
It took a long moment for Char to look up. “Do you have children?”
“I don’t see how that is relevant.”
“If you don’t have children, you cannot understand what it is like to have a few minutes mostly to yourself, with the exception of birds calls and an obnoxious guard.”
“I think I can. That doesn’t change the fact that it is still safer for him to be closer to you.”
Char shrugged, but then looked at me a little closer. “Do I know you?”
“I doubt it.”
“You seem familiar.” She wasn’t lying, but she also seemed very uncertain.
“I only came to Tlas a few weeks ago, and unless you work or live around this building, I don’t see how that would be the case.” I did not want her to recognize me, even if I recognized her. She didn’t deserve to. I only hoped she wouldn’t realize that I had practically no Karitan accent.
She shrugged and turned back to her phone.
Which was when I did the stupidest thing possible. I kept talking to her. “You must have a lot of children if you cherish quiet time so much.”
She shrugged. “Two boys. Five and nine.”
“That’s all?”
She nodded and then paused, almost like she remembered she was talking to someone supposedly Karitan. “I had a daughter once too, but she died.”
The force of those words hit me worse than a physical blow, because behind them came the strong feeling of truth, like she had convinced herself that I was completely dead. That I didn’t matter. That I was gone from the world, instead of thrown in the hellhole she abandoned me in.
I must not have responded quickly enough--in part due to shock at her truthful feeling of how dead I was--because she rose her eyebrows. “Do you not console people on Karit then?”
Oh please. She didn’t need any consoling. She might as well killed her own daughter. “I’m--sorry. My own mother--died as well. Or at least, she might as well have. When I was younger. It brought back memories.”
“Did she or did she not die?”
“She didn’t. She abandoned me.” I practically spit the words out.
“That doesn’t really seemed like she died then.” She gave a little toss of her head.
I clenched my jaw. The mother who abandoned me couldn’t be count as dead, but she could count me as dead? “Well, she might as well have been. Wasn’t there for anything important. Anything that mattered. Wasn’t there to protect me when others wanted to hurt me or use me, like normal mothers would. Just ran off without a glance back.”
Char stood and glared at me. “Are you trying to say something?”
“Hardly.”
“Because you know nothing about me. You and you Karitans with your little mind tricks and games. Just because you can read my thoughts does not mean that you know me or what I had to do.” She flashed for a moment back to the little me she remembered. The one she gave up, just because I convinced her to give me three cookies instead of just one. But how did she know what Karitans can do--when we knew hardly anything? I couldn’t imagine that could be right.
“And what makes you think I’m reading your thoughts.”
“Well, you can,” she accused.
“How do you know that?”
She flipped her hair. “A friend told me. The same one who knew when to accept the fact that my daughter died and not suggest that I had anything else to do in the matter.” She was furious at me now for daring to bring it up.
“Who said I was accusing you of anything? I just told you want happen to me. If your daughter really died, then obviously she would have no issues with people only taking her in for a few months at a time, or with people abusing her, or of never belonging. None of the problems I had at least when my mother abandoned me. No. She is safe. I’m sure.”
My ear piece crackled. “Marie?” Rob’s calm voice felt almost like salve on my burning heart, but it would not be enough.
She gave a little half laugh. “And here you Karitans seem like you care so much about family and talk so much about how strong the family is. But you’re just like the rest of us. Family can be tossed aside, since obviously your father did nothing for you either and no one else took you in.”
I clenched my hands. “My father--my father was more of a hero than you could ever imagine. He would have done something. He would have wanted me and loved me--if he had no died protecting others.”
“Marie, are you okay?” Rob said.
“I cannot imagine how he could have loved such an insensitive person as yourself. Obviously, you must have imagined it.”
Her words cut sharply, and tore at my already fragile hold on reality. How could she call me insensitive, when she was the one who kept attacking me for what she did to me? I wanted to hit her, so much so. She deserved it. After all the pain she put me through, she deserved it a thousand times. “Code B,” I whispered.
“I beg your pardon?” Char snapped.
I didn’t hear Rob’s response. I just reacted. “You are the insensitive one. You stand there, with this hatred of Karit, and insult me for something that I had no control over, when you did that exact same thing. Perhaps your friend might been gullible enough to believe you when you said that your daughter died, but I am not. Does your boyfriend know what you did? And what would happen if Dyn started doing strange things too? Would you toss him out as well, just because you get scared that you cannot control him? You do no service to your daughter by pretending she died when--in truth--you abandoned her in cold heartedness and out of fear. Perhaps you--“
“How dare you!”
“How dare I? Because I speak the truth.”
“You know nothing of that time!”
“I know more than enough.”
“She was deranged and mentally unstable!”
“No. Foster care made her that. A mother abandoning her made sure of that. I know her. She only became unstable after you left her for dead.”
“Don’t you dare mention Marie to me. She is dead to me. Understand? She is--“
Lights flashed at the edge of my vision. She spoke the truth. She didn’t care one little bit about what happened to me. Nothing. I was dead.
My vision blanked for a moment and then next thing I knew. I had her shoved against a wall, my hands around her neck. She struggled and I didn’t let go. She deserved this. She deserved to die. To be hurt just like she hurt me. To know I was not someone she could thrown in the garbage and be done when.
Suddenly, I was grabbed from behind. My hold on her was broken and she slumped for the floor. I tried to go after her but a strong arm grabbed me around the waist. I slammed my fist backwards, only to have it caught and my arm twisted roughly behind my back. I smelled a faint hint of freshness.
“--Ie. Marie. My love. Calm down. It’s me. It’s just me.”
I blinked as I heard Rob’s calm voice. Slowly, I relaxed against his chest. He wrapped both arms around me and held me closely. I could feel his warm, fuzzy chest against me, and realized with a little sigh that he only had half his shirt on. He must have literally dropped everything at my call.
“You are safe, Marie,’ He whispered into my ear. “You are safe. I am here.”
I shuddered and closed my eyes. He kissed my neck.
“I’ll deal with this,” he whispered as he let me go. Quickly, he began to button up his shirt as he pushed me behind him.
“That woman--“ Char pointed at me. “--is insane and should be dismissed.”
“I’m very sorry about that. You can rest assure that I will bring this behavior to her superiors. In the meantime, it is best that you get off the roof. Allow me to show you to the stairs. If you are willing to walk down four levels, I believe I understand that the elevators are operational on that level.”
Char nodded curtly and took Dyn’s hand. Rob disappeared with her down the stair shaft and came up a moment later--without her. I only assumed he used our fake access key. “All gone.”
I couldn’t even smile.
“What happened?”
I shook my head. “I’ll--tell you later.”
He studied me for a long minute, then leaned down and gently kissed me. For some reason, that was exactly what I needed. His calm, reassuring presence wrapped around me like a warm blanket, and tucked around my mind. It calmed my stress enough that I could focus to the mission at hand.
“She’ll be caught going down those stairs,” I whispered. “Those are only for authorized personal.”
He nodded. “That will distract them for a while. In the meantime, are we still on?”
I paused, then shook my head. “Can you shoot him?”
“Who?”
“The senator.”
Rob frowned. “What are you thinking?”
“I--need to get out as soon as possible. You go onto the balcony, shoot him with a stun dart. He’s old enough they will think it is a medical problem. As a guard, I’ll deal with him first until medical arrives, take his card, and disappear when enough people are around me. It should take--twenty minutes. Max.”
Rob nodded. “No problem.”
“Then let’s go.”
“Wait.” He caught my arm.
I turned and blinked as he held up my hair claw that fell out when I went crazy. I smiled a little embarrassed and twisted up my hair. Quickly, I pinned it in. “Good enough?”
He nodded. “Yes.”
With that, we both took the stairs. Rob left a floor earlier than I did. I walked out quickly onto the main floor. and took up a convenient position.
My modified plan went off well enough. Rob shot the senator from the balcony, and no one saw him. He’s good like that. As soon as the senator fell, I went to him, just like a good security guard would do, and did first aid until enough people around me came. In the process, I also managed to check his pockets and find both his keys and his ID. Rob met me at the bottom of the stairs, and I gave him the signal for five minutes. From there, he became what he was suppose to be--a hired server for the party--while I headed down the hall. With the Senator down, most of the guards didn’t even look at me as I unlocked his office, and took his briefcase. Five minutes later, I walked into the elevator, with the required briefcase, and Rob joined me a floor later.
“All good?” He asked as he pressed the button for the bottom floor.
I nodded. “All good.”
Rob slid his card through the reader to give us government priority--meaning, no one would stop the elevator--and frowned. “Ah--Marie.” He pointed to the screen. I could have almost swore. Our card would only be activated for a very short window, in order to make it as invisible as possible. That window hadn’t opened yet, because we were ahead of schedule. Which meant anyone could walk in and see us.
Rob raised his eyebrows at me.
I frowned faintly. “Well, there is one way to make people not want to get on.” I knew it was crazy, but I wanted his comfort right now.
“Oh?”
I dropped the briefcase and jumped onto his waist. I ran my hands through his hair and wrapped my arms around his neck. He got the idea pretty fast and pressed me into the corner. His lips found mine; I could feel his happiness, and his love. Even in that elevator, after I went crazy, I could tell he still loved me. His hands began to undo my uniform, so we could discard it as soon as we left.
We got into position just in time, for the elevator slide open. We didn’t even look up, although I knew Rob was ready to change in a moment. The person just stood there a moment, stunned and appalled that such indecency would be occurring in a public elevator, and let the door slide shut again.
Only when my Karitan uniform was off, and I stood this time in leggings and a sleeveless shirt, did we stop. I let out my claw, and blushed a little at him. Rob just grinned, took out a shopping bag from his back pocket, and put my uniform in there. “Sometimes, Marie, you confuse me.”
“Is that so?”
“Well, you don’t often seem to want to be kissed, and then you just suggested--that. Not that I minded. It’s just--“
I sighed and picked up the briefcase just as the elevator reached the ground level. Rob took my hand and we walked out together. “It’s--more complicated than that.”
“Is it?”
I consider my words for a long minute. “When--I kiss, I feel like I give a little bit of myself, and get a little bit of you. Right now, getting a little more of you--was what I needed.”
Rob walked quietly out of the building. “Who was that on the roof?”
I pauses. “My mother.”
He stared at me. “Really? And you just--“
I sighed. “She thinks I’m dead. Wants me to be dead really. Less--I don’t know--guilt for her perhaps. I’m nothing to her. I’m not much to anyone.”
“Marie.”
I couldn’t look at him. Not then.
He stopped me then and stood in front of me. Waited until I looked up into his gentle brown eyes.
“Take that back.”
I blinked. “Take what back?”
“You matter. You do so much right now that is--important. You are protecting the country more against Karitans than anyone else. You matter there. You matter to me. You matter--no matter what some woman says who couldn’t see how special you are.”
I swallowed and looked down. I could feel the tears coming. I hated feeling so--small. I was sure she brought that out in me. Normally I was so--so calm.
Rob brushed back my hair. “What is it?”
I shook my head.
“You can tell me.”
“Can we just--stop?”
Rob paused. I could tell he thought I meant us. I shook my head. “I can’t--spy any more. I can’t protect our planet against a planet that doesn’t seem to be a threat half the time. I can’t--put myself on the line anymore. I’m tried of it all, Rob. I need out. Now.”
Gently, Rob brushed back my hair. I shuddered.
I fully believe it was that moment that I realized how important Rob was to me. How much I needed me. I almost lost it that day on the top of the building. I almost killed my mother--in front of her son. I almost killed myself--in a way. And the one person who brought me back to myself--the one person who was willing to try to bring me back to myself and not shoot me and let me wake up full of regret--was Rob. Because he understood. He wouldn’t report the incident either, because he knew it wouldn’t do any good. But I somehow also knew he would find a way to help me, no matter what it was. And it would be the easiest way, just like how he kissed me to help me calm down. In spite of how much I never wanted to rely on anyone after what my mom did, Rob had somehow gotten to the point where I did rely on him, and I didn’t care that I did. So long as he did not become like my mother.
“I can’t lose you,” I whispered.
“Who said anything about losing me?”
I shook my head. “No one. I just--with my mother--and she just left me and I can’t--“
Rob slipped a finger under my chin and lifted my chin. “I’m not leaving you, Marie. I love you. I don’t even need to say it. I know you know. And I will not leave you, no now, not ever.”
I blinked, taken aback by the conviction in his voice.
“And moreover, I do intend to marry you. Soon, I hope.” He grinned, and I knew he wasn’t teasing. He had plans, but I would not ruin them by probing. “And yes, we can stop.”
I blinked. “You would do that?”
Rob shrugged. “Well, seeing how much you’ve managed to surpass me in these last two years, I can only leave now with my honor intact. Otherwise, who knows what they will call me in the years to come. Certainly not half of what they say about you. Besides, I think, that if we do have a family, we need to make sure we both are there for our children.”
I blushed then, but put my arms around him and gave him a hug. Rob knew what family meant, far better than I did. And it wasn’t a woman who wanted to pretend I was dead. It was us. The two of us, together.
I suppose that was why it made it all the harder when he left me two weeks later. Because I felt so sure that day that he never would. I suppose, knowing it now, that he never did either. So I have that, no matter what my father turns out to be.