Lies and Manipulation

Chapter 34 - Giving up (year 5620)

I stare at the ceiling but I don’t see it. I don’t see much of anything right now. All I keep thinking about is Rob. He is dying right now. I’ve never experienced Partir, for the obvious reason that there is no antidote, but I’ve seen videos of it. Now, I see that agony on Rob’s face and my heart is breaking into a million pieces. 

I failed him. I completely failed him. The one person who trusted me completely is currently dying because of my actions. Maybe it would have been worth risking the baby for his life. I wish I knew. 

I hate Major A’dan for what he did. I hate that he tricked me so easily into talking.   But I more hate myself, because I wasn’t strong enough. Because I wasn’t brave enough. I hate that I must be the sole cause of Rob’s death. Oh, sure, Rob’d say it wasn’t me. He’d say that they did it to us, or some such nonsense as that. But he’d be wrong. He’d be so wrong.

I just want to give up completely. I’m always going to fail someone. I’m never going to be right or perfect or even a good companion. My disappearance will make no difference in the world. In fact, the world would probably get along better without me. It’s not like anyone wants me anymore. With Rob gone....

Rob’s really gone. And I’ll never get to see his lopsided grin. I’ll never get to hear his slow chuckle. I’ll never have his strong, gentle arms around me. I’ll never get his voice in my ear, telling me that it’ll be okay. That we will survive. He said that so much when we kept running.

Because we won’t be okay. We didn’t survive. How could we have hoped to--when the whole galaxy was against us? Tlas hunted us down like criminals and the rest of the galaxy just watched, not carrying for a second that we were real people, with real feelings and emotions. It didn’t happen like Tlas said. We had our own version--a version that never got heard or even asked for.  

We fought a good fight, but in the end, we lost. In the end, none of it mattered and we would go down in history for starting a war between Tlas and Karit. I wonder if anyone will even know that we wanted nothing to do with this. We just wanted to be normal. To have a normal family. To raise our child in safety.  

It was hopeless. It will always be hopeless. I hate my life. I hate that everyone good in my life has to vanish like dust. I hate that I can never do anything good.

I feel sick. My stomach burns like fire and cramps horridly. I deserve it though. I deserve every feeling of pain, every moment. Because I’m not a good person. I’ll never be a good person. I’m just one of those who  hurts everyone I come in contact with.  

I stay quiet in my cell and I hope that somehow, by taking this pain, I can lessen Rob’s. I wish I could do something--anything!--for him, so that he could know I really do love him. And I really never had a fair choice.

The door slides open. I do not turn. The major can do whatever he wants to me and I won’t stop him. I don’t care anymore. I lost what I cared about so I’ve now lost my will to fight him.

But he says nothing. I can feel his eyes on me, assessing me. Analyzing me. I keep my wall up as one final act of rebellion. At least he will not feel how much he has broken me and how much I wish to die right now.

“Where is the pain?” he says softly. 

I don’t answer. The pain is all over. It is in my heart. It is me.

“Marie.”

I still don’t answer, but at that moment, fire burns through my stomach. I hold it and squeeze my eyes closed. Major A’dan is at my side in a moment. I try to push him away.

“Don’t you think you’ve ruined enough already today?” I snap.

“Not if you are having a baby,” he says. “And after three of my own, I know that feeling.”  

I freeze. No. I can’t. Not without Rob. Not in prison.

“I already called for a medic. You just need to stay calm, Marie. Marie, listen to me. It is going to be fine.”

I stare at him. How could he say that? I am barely twenty and now without a partner and about to have a baby. I know nothing about babies. I don’t even think that I’ve held one before in my life. Rob was the one who knew what we needed to do. And I’m in prison so they’ll take the baby from me and put it into the system just like I was. No, this will not be fine. He can’t say that without lying.

The medic comes through the door and begins to ask me questions in rapid fire. I could answer none of them. I hadn’t really noticed when any of this started and really didn’t care either. 

The only thing I know for sure is that they take me out of the room and to the med wing. For some reason, they determine that I will have the baby now of all times. 

From there on, my life passes me in a whir. I do what they tell me, when they tell me, and that is about all I know. The rest--lights, shouts, orders, beeps--pass over me in a blur of color and noise. None of it mattes anyway. The one person I need here isn’t. 

Suddenly, a soft cry breaks through everything and everyone stops. The soft cry sounds again. The lead doctor takes a small, red, slimy form and places it into my arms.

I wouldn’t say she is beautiful. In some ways, she looks like a small, wizened little man. But she blinks at me with these big blue eyes and I’m struck with how limp and small she is. Her thigh is no bigger than my thumb. I somehow know she is completely reliant on me. I can feel her mind for the first time, confused but content. For whatever reason, she trusts me. 

I lick my lips slowly as the silence progresses. Suddenly, her little mouth starts to turn into a small, small smile. A smile I would recognize anywhere. Rob’s smile. 

Rob may be gone, but a part of him will live on in this small form. And for that I must fight still. I must fight to protect our daughter from having a life like mine.

I can’t help it. I begin to cry again.