Just a heads up but reader and Muichirou is slightly aged up because I don't think I'd feel comfortable writing a special where a 14 year old is doing drugs (｡ŏ_ŏ).
Also I do not support anything negative I've written down there because depression is not a joke. It's not some "made up" disease, it's real and people with it should seek help.
Requested by Anonymous.
Drabble: "I'd probably laugh at myself if I was in your shoes."
In which (Y/n) suffers a familial loss.
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"What?" you asked, your eyes widening and your hands trembled as you held onto Tengen's uniform. "Can you repeat that?"
Tengen held a downcast expression, clearly not wanting to tell you this either. Wishing it was nothing more than a joke.
"(L/n) Hiro died during a mission when Upper Moon Four joined the scene," he continued, "With his passing, you are being promoted as the new Dream Pillar."
But life wasn't that nice.
(Like a certain author (*'▽'*)♪ ).
"Uzui-san, this is a joke right?" you asked. Never in a million years would you expect someone as great as your brother to die. So this must be a joke. "Nii-san is alive and is recovering in Shinobu-san's Estate, right?" you asked again, when Tengen gave you no reply tears started to well up in the side of your eyes. "It's just a joke, right?"
He stared at you with eyes full of sadness before he looked down, finally saying, "I'm sorry Chibi."
The moment Tengen said it was the moment it sunk in. Your brother, who you respected to and looked up to, was dead at the hands of Upper Moon Four. What would your parents say? No, they probably already know.
"So nii-san is dead?" you spoke, slowly lowering your gaze to look at the ground, the tears falling but that was the least of your concerns. "He's never coming back?"
Your feet slowly gave out and your knees met the ground, your arms just hung loosely as you couldn't think straight. His death was too sudden that it felt surreal.
"Chibi..." Tengen whispered, he tried to say something to comfort you but he wasn't the person for this situation. He didn't know what to say.
•••
"Thanks Mitsuri-san! The mochi was delicious." You smiled. "Let's go again sometime."
"O-of course (Y/n)-chan," Mitsuri replied, she gave you a smile that held pity. It had been a month since Hiro died and you seemed better but she couldn't bring herself to think so. There was just something she couldn't quite place her finger on.
"I'll go to the bathroom real quick, so just excuse me." You excused yourself before heading over to the bathroom, making sure you were alone before locking it.
You immediately headed to the toilet, throwing up the food you ate a while ago.
Recently, you became unable to stomach anything but as to not worry the others, you forced it down and looked for a chance to use the bathroom to throw it all up.
You flushed it and headed over to the sink, washing your mouth to get rid of that repulsive smell. You looked at the reflection in the mirror, laughing at how pathetic you've become.
"If you saw me now, would you laugh at me nii-san?"
As expected, there was no answer.
"I'd probably laugh at myself if I was in your shoes," you whispered to yourself, smiling as you got out of the bathroom. Erasing all traces that could lead to you throwing up.
"(Y/n)." You jumped when a voice spoke beside you. You turned around to look at who it was, a sigh of relief escaping your lips when you saw who it was.
"Giyuu nii-san," you offered him a smile—albeit a fake one—hoping that he wasn't suspicious of you. "What are you doing there?"
"I came to check up on you," he spoke, walking closer to you, placing a hand on yyourhead, patting it lightly. "Have you been eating alright? You seemed to have gotten thinner," he said before adding, "In a bad way."
"What are you saying nii-san?" you smiled, gently removing his hand from your forehead. "Of course I'm eating fine, Mitsuri-san as well as Uzui-san are always making sure of that."
"Alright." He shrugged. "Just take care of yourself, okay?"
Even if what you were saying was a lie (which was not completely) then he could always confirm that with Tengen and Mitsuri.
Like a liar, you gave him the best fake smile you could muster and easily replied.
"Of course."
•••
You knew better than to buy and intake suspicious drugs.
At first.
Now you couldn't help but intake those things you once looked down upon. The ones you used looked like your favourite candy so no one got suspicious.
The drug candies didn't do much except help you forget about your brother's death though you knew you had to stop soon since the amount you consumed slowly got bigger and you knew you were growing an addiction.
"Chibi?" Tengen called out, making you jump.
You quickly consumed the 3 pills you had, turning to look at Tengen, giving him a smile.
"Uzui-san, what are you doing here?"
It wasn't weird to see Uzui drop by time to time to make sure you were doing fine so you internally cursed yourself at how you acted like he rarely dropped by.
"What are you talking about Chibi? I drop by time to time." He raised a brow, finding your tone and behavior extremely suspicious. "And what was that you were taking?"
"This?" you asked, pulling out the fake candy. "Mitsuri-san brought it saying that she remembered I liked them."
Thankfully Mitsuri did bring in candies but you left those untouched.
"Can I have one?" he asked, holding his hand out. He probably should've just dropped it there after you said it was from Mitsuri but there was something that didn't sit right with him and he wanted to find out.
"No way!" You stuck your tongue out at him, eating the rest. Thankfully you only had 2 left.
Tengen sighed, a small smile on his face as he patted you on the head. You were still the same selfish, candy hogging brat he knew. "Good to know you're doing well."
You looked up at his hand before you closed your eyes, giving him a close-eyed smile.
"It's thanks to you and Mitsuri-san."
•••
You had decided to get rid of the drugs, someone would just notice it sooner or later so it was smarter to quit while your addiction was still relatively mild.
Of course deciding to stop your intake of drug candies left an empty feeling in you and to take that place, you started cutting yourself.
Right now, there was a slightly bloody knife on your kitchen sink as you sat on the table, wrapping your arm in a bandage, covering the wounded and exposed pinkish flesh that contrasted your (Skin color) skin tone.
"Oi brat," Sanemi called out. "I'm entering your house."
You immediately quickened your treatment and used your sleeves to hide your bandaged arms as Sanemi entered the room.
"Shinazugawa-san, what brings you here?" you casually asked, your elbow rested on the counter as you rested your cheek against your palm, tilting your head slightly to look at him.
Your arm was screaming in pain but you chose to ignore. You had to fool Sanemi first. You had to make him believe you seemed fine.
"Did you seriously forget? You and Rengoku are going on a mission today," he spoke in a tone of disbelief. You weren't one to forget appointments. "Are you alri–" He stopped himself from talking, focusing on the item on your sink, his eyes widened before they narrowed at you.
"Shinazugawa-san?" you called out, feeling nervous under his glare.
"Why the fuck is that there?" He pointed to the kitchen sink where the slightly bloody knife was. "And is that fucking blood?"
"Of course not." You casually waved your hand, giving him a smile. "I was slicing some fruit earlier when it got on the knife." you took your time explaining in a calm and composed manner.
"Alright," he sighed. He decided not to press the matter further after seeing your expression, it didn't seem to him like you were lying. "I actually thought you were cutting yourself or some shit."
You stood up, walking over and washing the knife before it would dry up and he'd realize it was not fruit juice.
"You know that I would even think of doing that, Shinazugawa-san."
•••
"(Y/n), eat some more!" Kyojurou smiled, passing you another bento box as you set it on your lap, staring at it.
The two of you were waiting for night and Kyojurou being Kyojurou decided to have a good break.
Before your brother died, you would always look forward to this when you and Kyojurou would go on a mission and would even compete on who could eat more.
But now was different, you were just on your 3rd bento box but you felt extremely sick. Even you didn't force yourself to eat this much when you were with the others.
"Are you alright (Y/n)?" Kyojurou asked, his head tilted as he stared at your two empty bento boxes then the 3rd one on your lap. "You don't seem to each as much as before."
"I actually had a lot of fruits before coming here, so I'm not that hungry." You immediately used your hand to cover your mouth, surpressing the urge to throw up.
"Are you sure you're alright?" Kyojurou asked.
You swallowed it back, not daring to remove your hand since you might throw up in front of him.
"Of course." You stood up, setting the untouched box aside. "Excuse me for a but, I need to go to the bathroom."
"Are you really alright?" Kyojurou asked again, worry was evident in his voice.
Giving him a smile, you suppressed the urge to throw up then and there as you quickly said.
"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"
•••
"You seemed to have gotten a little better," Shinobu remarked, giving you a smile. She couldn't bring herself to say you looked like an absolute mess right now because she too went through the loss of a loved one.
"Thanks." You smiled back at her as you pulled up one of your sleeves, revealing multiple cuts.
You didn't want to be doing this. Shinobu seeing even one of your arms was a very bad thing. But you had no choice, you were injured in battle and Kyojurou was there to witness that, if he were to inquire Shinobu if you're doing better then she'd get suspicious as to why you hid it from her.
You didn't know whether you should be thankful it not but the demon did a good job messing up your arm. You couldn't tell which were the wounds you made apart from the ones the demon inflicted.
"Did the demon like to target wrists? The number of cuts on your wrists are greater compared to the number of cats scattered across the rest of you arm." Shinobu frowned, examining your arm in detail. "This almost seems intentional, like." You bit your lip, of course Shinobu would be on to you, she was a medical expert, "It was done intentionally."
She then looked up to stare at you, trying to discern whether what you were about to say was the truth or not. Trying to figure out if you were perhaps trying to hide something from her.
"Of course not. What reason would I even have to injure myself?" you quickly lied, putting on the best fake front you could muster.
Her eyes travelled to your other arm then to your legs where she she could see something white wrapping around your skin. It didn't take long for her to realize that it may be bandages. She knew it, there was probably more than you were letting on.
She sighed, she didn't have much to go on and she doubt you'd tell her to truth even if she asked. So, much like how you lied to them, she lied to you while she smiled at you.
"Sorry for doubting you."
•••
"(Y/n)-chan!" Mitsuri smiled, walking into the infirmary with Obanai next to her. "How are you feeling?"
"Better." You smiled.
Obanai studied your face for a bit but didn't seem to say anything.
"That's good." Mitsuri walked over to you and placed a pouch of (F/f) on your lap. "I brought you some in case you were feeling hungry."
"Oh," you replied, staring at the pouch before putting it aside. "Thanks for going through the trouble of bringing me that Mitsuri-san."
"No problem." She frowned slightly. Normally you couldn't–wouldn't even think of putting it aside, you'd just start eating it there and then. "So, how are you really feeling?"
"What are you talking about Mitsuri-san?" You smiled, feigning ignorance. "I feel just fine."
"Well, are you coping alright?" Obanai asked.
"Why does everyone keep asking me similar questions?" You complained in a slightly whiny voice, pouting as you put on an act. "Does no one believe me when I say I'm doing fine?"
"Of course I believe you," Mitsuri immediately agreed. "It's just that everyone's here for you and you can open up to us if you have anything to say."
"I know." You smiled. "I appreciate it."
"Though I doubt I'll come forward."
Obanai didn't say anything, he just stared at you while confirming something.
Something was amiss.
He's lived in a household where everyone smiled at him while placing him in a cage downstairs. He was able to tell between the genuine and fake looks and right now, you were giving him a fake smile.
"Sorry for asking, (Y/n)."
•••
"You've gotten slower (Y/n)," Gyoumei remarked, noticing how you weren't as agile as you were before.
"No joke Himejima-san," you thought to yourself.
You didn't even want to be here, you were just supposed to be recovering in the Butterfly Estate before heading home.
Then on the last day of your stay Gyoumei dropped by, asking if you'd like to train with him.
He was basically putting you on the spot and you didn't want him to think anything was wrong, so you agreed, only to regret your desicion.
"I guess I've been neglecting my training since Nii-san died," you answered honestly. The fact that you didn't have to lie was slightly uplifting. "I'll make sure to get back on track."
"No, it's fine." He shook his head, putting the wooden practice swords away. "You should prioritize your mental health first and foremost. We can never do our best if our mind is in a disarray."
You quietly put the practice blade away, tears started to well up. Gyoumei's words brought a huge amount of relief to you and you wanted to confess everything then and there, ask for help and slowly get better.
But you just couldn't. Instead of the words that would ask for help, you spoke words that was nothing but a wall.
"I'll keep that in mind, Himejima-san."
•••
Muichirou walked towards the Butterfly Estate, deep in thought.
He hasn't seen you these past 2 months and frankly, it upset him quite a bit. You two were good friends considering your ages were close, you two got along better than with the other Pillars.
So the fact that you avoided him made him quite sad.
He thought it was just your busy schedule at first, you had just become the new Dream Pillar at the time. But as time went on, it became clear you avoided him. You would turn your head of you two were staring at each other, you'd immediately go the other way if you encountered each other, and you even refused to answer the letters he sent.
"Muichirou-kun!" Mitsuri waved at Muichirou as he entered the Shinobu's Estate.
He eyebrows furrowed as he scanned the room. "Where's (Y/n)?"
This meeting held by Shinobu and was said to be a gathering between Pillars so he had hopes he would see you here, but you seem like the only person who wasn't present in this gathering.
"What I am about to ask needs her not to be here," Shinobu replied as Muichirou took a seat. "So is it just me or has (Y/n) acted a bit weird these days?"
"Now that you mention it she has been eating less these days," Kyojurou shared his knowledge to the rest of the group.
"She also didn't seem that enthusiastic about seeing her favourite snack," Mitsuri said.
"And she's been going to the bathroom after each meal," Giyuu added.
"It's just as I thought then." Shinobu sighed. "She's throwing up whatever she's eating."
The rest continued on with the discussion with Muichirou only listening because he had no such thoughts to share. It seems you've been avoiding him and him alone.
By the end of the discussion, Muichirou's eyes widened as he pieced the things together.
"Does anyone know where (Y/n) is right now?" he asked with great urgency.
"She said she was tired and wanted to rest, so I think she's at her Estate right now," Mitsuri replied.
"Tokito-kun?" Shinobu raised a brow, seeing as Muichirou abruptly stood up, his chair falling onto the ground.
"I need to make sure of something," he said before quickly darting out of there and in the direction of your Estate.
He ignored the others that they called out for him. He had to make sure you were fine. He's heard phrases like “I'm tired, I'll go rest now” before and it was a normal enough phrase anybody could use under normal circumstances but your case right now wasn't normal. And no matter how much he thought about it, with the info he had, there was only one reason that came to mind as to why you'd say that.
You were planning to kill yourself.
•••
Your hands quivered as the knife in your hands hovered over your throat. You stood in the quiet, empty, and dimly lit room. You took one look at the knife as you laughed pitifully at yourself.
You knew that what you were was being a coward.
There were people around you that was willing to help you, support you, comfort you, and yet this is what you arrived at.
A knife pointed at your throat.
It was laughable really, if your parents were here right now then they'd probably tell you how much of a bad desicion this was.
And you knew that.
The last time you talked with your parents, they seemed to have gotten better, they seemed to have accepted but never forgot his death.
You would constantly ask yourself why you couldn't do the same, why couldn't you let go? Why couldn't you accept his death like your parents did?
You knew it was because you weren't a fighter. You couldn't deal with the pain of losing someone who you grew up with and spent a lot of time.
"(Y/n)!" You could hear someone outside, banging on the locked door. You weren't sure who it was but it was obvious they caught on.
You shut your eyes tightly as you inserted the knife into your throat.
You fell to the ground the same time the door was forcefully opened. Your vision started to go black as you could feel your warm blood seeping into your clothes.
You let out a chuckle as you watched a figure, who you think is Muichirou, rush towards you while yelling words that slowly died out and became white noise.
Death sure was cold.
You didn't care if anyone saw you but why did it have to be him? You were fine with anyone but him, he was the one person you didn't want to see you like this.
Your body became colder with each second and you couldn't make out anything Muichirou was saying. Your eyelids slowly fluttered to a close as you drew your last breath.
(Didn't like that ending? Me neither ●︿●, luckily the request had two ending :-D or else I probably would've just left it like that. Anyway, this is what I consider to be the canon ending to this special).
"(Y/n)!" You jumped upon hearing someone was outside your place.
You knew they'd connect the dots soon but you didn't think it was gonna be this soon.
You shut your eyes tight at the same time the door was forcefully opened. You were about to stab yourself when Muichirou slapped the knife away from your hands. You could only give him a surprised look.
"What do you think you're doing?" he yelled, staring at the knife that went to the side of the room before turning to you. "Do you really think your brother would want to see you like this?"
He didn't want to raise his voice while talking to you but he was left with no choice, you wouldn't see the problem here if you didn't.
"You think I don't know that?"
"What was that?" he asked.
"You think I don't know that?" you yelled, staring at him while you let your pent up tears of frustration and self loathing out. "Do you think I don't know that this wasn't what my brother would have wanted? Do you think I want to feel like this? Do you think I didn't know this is wrong?"
His mint green eyes widened, watching as you angrily wiped your tears away.
"I know I'm supposed to be a demon hunter but I don't cope with people's death the same way the others do! I can't be like Shinobu-san or Giyuu nii-san! I'm not strong like you either! I don't want anyone around me to die!"
He didn't say anything, he just pulled you closer to him, patting you on the back in a comforting manner as you cried your heart out.
"I'm sorry for not considering your feelings (Y/n)," he spoke. "But please, you don't have to go through this alone. You can rely on us, you can rely on me. We're all here for you."
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Honestly might be the longest thing I've written in this book.
^Thought process for this special.