“I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming, get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out, oh
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw you hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown up
When you gonna own up
That you got, got, got it bad”
– “I Won’t Say I’m in Love” by Disney
Chapter 46: Burning Fire
I tried not to think about Tom over the next few days, which was difficult when I saw him at work all of the time. We did not talk much, but his smiles and acknowledgements of my presence were enough to drive me crazy. The anxiety was going to kill me. I kept telling myself I should not even care what he decided. It did not work.
I returned home from work Wednesday evening to find Freya sitting on the couch looking pretty down. “Are you alright?” I asked with a small frown as I set my backpack on the floor and walked over to her and sat down beside her.
“I broke up with Logan,” Freya said glumly.
I blinked. “Then why are you the one upset?”
Freya let out an exasperated sigh. “Because I thought it was going to work out this time! Why do I have such terrible luck with guys?”
“Well, maybe you’re going about it the wrong way,” I said slowly. “If you get to know someone as a friend first before you start dating him, you’ll be more likely to stay together because you already know you’re compatible beyond a romantic attraction.”
“Because that’s worked out so well for you,” she snapped.
I frowned. “If I had stayed in Green Bay, I would be with Aaron right now, so it would have worked. I may have fewer boyfriends, but I also have fewer heartaches. I only go out with someone if I think we may have a future.”
“How do you know he may be the right one?” My roommate pleaded with me with her eyes. “My emotions keep steering me wrong.”
“That’s because you need to let reason guide you. Falling in love is about more than just romantic feelings. You may be surprised, but it’s something I’ve thought about a lot.”
“Then tell me what I should look for!”
“Ok.” I paused as I organized my thoughts. “Like I said, he needs to be your friend. Your best friend, actually. You should be able to tell him anything, even the secrets you’ve never told anyone. And he should do the same. You should both feel comfortable around each other, like there’s a connection you cannot explain. You should always be there for each other, and he’s the first one you would think to go through with a problem. He should make you feel joy, peace, and happiness, even when you’re not together. Lastly, it should be difficult to imagine your life without him.”
Freya had her eyes glued on me, taking in every word. “Wow,” she said in awe, “it sounds like you know what you’re talking about.”
I shrugged and looked away. “Not having many boyfriends has given me a lot of time to think about what I want.” I glanced back at her. “Remember, relationships take work. You can’t expect everything to fall into place just because you’re in love.”
Freya nodded. “Of course.”
My phone buzzed. I slipped it out of my pocket and looked at the name that appeared. “It’s Eli. I have to take this.” I stood up and started for my room.
“Thanks for the advice!”
“No problem,” I said before answering the phone. “Hello?”
“Hi, Lauren,” Eli said through the phone. “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” I said. It was not a lie, though I was feeling a strange mixture of emotions that I could not place. “How are you?” I entered my room and closed the door.
“I’m good. I heard Cooper’s coming to the game in a couple of weeks.”
“Yeah, I invited him.”
“That will be fun.”
“Yeah.” I sat on my bed.
“Lauren, is something bothering you?”
“No. I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Just because you’re a psychologist doesn’t mean you don’t need someone to talk to about your problems as well.”
A wave of guilt flashed over me. Peyton had told me the same thing. “I know. I just like to try to figure it out for myself first.”
“Ok, but if you haven’t figured it out by the time I get there, we’re having a talk.”
“Fine.” I could not say no to him. He was the only person who could get me to talk when I did not want to. The only person besides…
“I’ll let you go so you can get back to thinking. Call me if you need anything.”
“I will. Bye, Eli.”
“Goodbye, Lauren.”
I dropped my phone into my pockets and fell on my back on my bed. I knew what was bothering me. The whole time I was talking to Freya, one person kept entering my mind. I knew it was dangerous to let him get so close, but I had not been aware how far I had gone. The description I had given my roommate fit almost perfectly.
We were quickly becoming great friends. As much as I tried not to, I did feel like there was a lot I could tell him that no one else could understand such as my hatred of the Saints. He always seemed to be there when I needed him, and I had a strong desire to be there for him and with him whenever something bad happened like a heartbreaking loss.
I did not know why, but I felt like I could be myself around him. I always looked forward to seeing him because there was an emotion there I could not describe. Of course I was attracted to him, but there was something far beyond that. As much as we could get on each other’s nerves, there was something that just clicked between us when we were on the same side. It was like nothing I had experienced with anyone else before.
Perhaps worst of all, I was increasingly finding it difficult to imagine the future without him. If this kept up, choosing between the Patriots and Packers would not be a problem. There was something here that I could never have there. I sat up with a start as I realized the horrible truth:
I was in love with Tom Brady.
***
The next couple of days were even worse. I was almost glad that Tom had not come to talk to me yet. Maybe pushing this off would be a good idea. I was in my office Friday afternoon, and I jumped when I heard someone walk in. “Oh, Rob. It’s you.” I gave him a slight smile.
Rob blinked. “Who were you expecting?” He walked over and took his usual seat perpendicular to me.
I shook my head. “Never mind. What’s up?”
“I just wanted to make sure Freya is doing alright. I tried to make her feel better yesterday, but she still seemed pretty upset.” Concern shown in his eyes.
I remembered Freya telling me she had gone to hang out with Rob the previous day because she always had a good time with him, which I found revealing. “She’ll be fine. She’s been through this before; she’ll get over him soon.” I paused and hesitated before continuing. “Aren’t you happy? Do you still have feelings for her?”
“Of course I do! I’m not happy about it because she’s not happy.”
I nodded. “That’s good. You’re going about it the right way, but what are you going to do once she does move on? Do you have a plan?”
A small frown appeared on his face while he seemed to be thinking about the question. It took him a few moments to respond. “I do not really have a plan. I’m just going to continue to be her friend like you said and hope she’ll open her eyes.”
“I can’t believe she’s missed it,” I said incredulously. “She’s analyzed my love life enough; can’t she see what’s happening in her own?”
“You have a love life?”
I rolled my eyes. “Forget about it. Anyway, you may need help getting her to see you as more than a friend. You should try some subtle romantic gestures.”
Rob blinked. “Like what?”
“Like holding her hand and hugging her for a second longer.” I shrugged. “Be creative.”
“I’ll think about it. Thanks for the suggestion.”
I nodded. “No problem. Let me know how it goes. Maybe I’ll come up with another idea.”
“Ok.” He stood up and smile at me. “I should get back to training. See you later, Lauren.”
“Bye, Gronk.”
Then it was silent again. I leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes as I waited for something to happen. It did not take long before the door opened again. I sat up and opened my eyes, immediately freezing upon seeing Tom coming towards me.
I could not read his expression very well, but I could tell he was serious. He did not speak as he walked over and sat next to me. He folded his hands in his lap and stared down at them. Finally, he turned to me and said, “I have made a decision. I am not getting back together with Valerie.”
His words snapped me back to life. For some reason, I felt surprised. “Oh.” My emotions were too jumbled for me to be able to sort them out.
“I am not going to actively try to be around her either. For now, I think it’s best to leave the past where it is. I don’t need any more confusion in my life. If things change in a couple of years and she’s still set on living her, maybe we could try it again.”
I nodded slowly. “I’m glad you figured that out. If that’s what you think is best…”
“Do you want to know why I made this choice?”
His intense gaze caused me to shiver. “No, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway.”
“You said it’s hard to choose between something you love in the past and something you love in the present. I’m choosing to go after what I want in the present. Right here.”
I did not have to ask him what he meant; the fire in his eyes told me everything. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable. “I – you’re wasting your time. I told you how I feel. You tried hard to get me to be your friend, and I am now. Isn’t that enough? I have nothing else to give.”
“I don’t believe you. There is something else between us, and you feel it too.”
I could not take it anymore. I stood up and turned away from him, walking forward a few paces before turning around again. “Ok, I know positive thinking is good, but this is just wishful thinking.” Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? He was going to ruin everything.
“No, there’s something there,” Tom insisted. He stood up as well and started towards me. “It’s been there for a long time, but I did not know what it was. That’s why you kept trying to push me away, isn’t it? You were afraid of what it meant, weren’t you? You’re still afraid. That’s why you’re denying your feelings.”
He had almost reached me now, and I was finding it hard to breath. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I walked backwards, stopping only when I found myself backed up against the wall.
“I think you do. There’s something there… something risky and exciting that is only growing stronger. Like fire.” As he continued forward, his eyes still blazed with the fire he just mentioned.
“Fire burns,” I managed to choke out.
He was now right before me; I could feel his breath on my face. He lifted his right hand and brushed the back of it against my left cheek. I knew he could feel the tingling sensation that spread throughout the rest of my body. “It also brings warmth… brings life.” Before I could protest, he crashed his lips against mine.
This time, I reacted quickly by wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him back. I was unable to resist any longer, though I knew I would pay for it later. I was flooded with a warm, passion, and fire that I had not experienced in the path. Tom moved his arms to around my waist and pulled me close to him. I knew he thought he had won, but he was so wrong.
He could not see that this was not helping his case at all. The fact that I was becoming so caught up in him was evidence that this was far too dangerous. If I let myself give into him, I would risk losing myself and perhaps much more. I had once promised myself to always let reason reign control. I did not know if I would be able to do that with the way he made me feel. My hands moved up into his hair, loving the feel of it. Everything about him drew me in, and I did not know how to stop it.
Tom finally broke away, but he kept his face close to mine. He was breathing heavily, and his gaze was as intense and fierce as ever. He appeared to be waiting for me to respond.
I wanted nothing more than to grab him and kiss him again. I knew if I did that, there would be no going back. I tried to swallow but found my mouth dry. My voice cracked as I spoke: “Fine. I feel something. That does not mean I have to act on it. I have a choice.”
Something else flashed in his eyes, and he leapt back away from me as if he had been burned. “That’s worse, Lauren. You’re saying there’s something wrong with me.”
My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What? No.”
“Why are we even friends if that’s what you think? You’re right; this is a waste of time.” Angry and agitated, he abruptly left the room.
---
I felt numb as I entered my apartment at the end of the day. I bypassed the living room to go to my room, but I stopped when I heard Freya call out my name from the couch. “What?” I said without turning around.
“Are you alright?” my roommate asked in concern. She sounded right behind me now. “You usually greet me when you come in.”
“Tom made his decision.”
She let out a small gasp. “He chose to get back with Valerie?”
I slowly turned around to look at her, my expression solemn. “No, he chose not to. Because of me.”
Realization slowly dawned on her face. “You still think you can’t be with him.”
I nodded. “I know I can’t. I told you it wouldn’t work. Someone would get hurt.”
“But don’t you see how much he cares about you now?”
“Exactly. That’s the point.”
She threw up her arms in exasperation. “You’re making no sense! Why won’t you even try?”
I knew I was not making much sense, but I was unsure how to get her to understand. “I don’t need to try when experiences from the past have taught me all that I need to know.”
Freya crossed her arms and frowned. “Oh yeah? And what have you learned?”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I can’t have anyone in my life that I would not be able to live without.” Then I turned and headed for my room.